Scientists on the verge of making sense
Scientists at Harvard Medical School are beginning to unravel the mystery of making sense. In a ground-breaking project headed by Professor Edith Nash, a wide cross-section of people was tested for evidence of sense, or lack thereof. "By under...
Read full storyHole-in-the-Wall Street bankers scoop $254million Powerball jackpot
New York - "They're gonna use the winnings to short the Euro, heheh!" was one take on what three Greenwich, Connecticut hedge fund managers might do with their stonking $254million Powerball win. The winning numbers - 12/14/34/39/46 + the Powerbal...
Read full storyIndustry Watchdogs slam Pocket Money website
A money loaning web site aimed at children as young as five has been slammed by advertising watchdog, OfCom; the financial watchdog OfFin; and the Children's watchdog, OfPedo. "It took us several months to spot it," said OfFon co-ordinator, Adolp...
Read full storyPope Orders 'Missal Launch' on Salt Lake City, Igniting a Holy War
The Vatican - The introduction of a new Missal, the prayer book that serves as the script for the Catholic Mass, has resulted in a Holy War between two of the world's religions. Upon publication of the new spiritual guide last weekend, Pope Bened...
Read full storyChancellor to deliver Autumnwatch Statement
London - An anonymous Whitehall tweet has confirmed that there'll be bad news about badgers, split beavers and louse hatchlings - all rumored to feature in George Osborne's Autumnwatch Statement in the Commons tomorrow. The Chancellor will discuss...
Read full storyNeil Warnock bans Elvis from QPR
QPR manager Neil Warnock was left seething after the Premier League refused his request to bring in a goalkeeper on an emergency loan following injuries to Paddy Kenny and understudy Brian Murphy. "Paddy has got an enlarged Gluteus Maximus and his...
Read full storyGold coins mark greasy pole in Speaker Bercow's new coat of arms
London - Heraldry experts are pissing themselves silly tonight at John Bercow's foray into deluded hubris and, er, other daft but predictable stuff. The unveiling of his official portrait and personal coat of arms saw much jaw-dropping as a golden...
Read full storyCameron to direct new Mash Up movie
Cameron is to direct a mash up film of all of Cameron's previous films. "It's going to be epic," said Cameron. "It's about a time travelling blue alien who goes back to the Titanic after it sank into the abyss to single handedly take on an acid bl...
Read full storyBarney Frank To Leave Congress: Plans To Breed Gerbils At His Ranch In New Mexico
WASHINGTON - Massachusett's Congressman Barney Frank announced today that he would not run for re-election in 2012, saying that, "He was tired of Washington politics now that his party was not in control of the House of Representatives." Having sp...
Read full storyTwelve Daze of Christmas In Da Hood
My woman Susan is a materialistic soul, but she is also a Vivica Fox lookalike and is thick as a block of government cheese, so you see why I would want to hold onto her. In fact, with the holidays approaching, I made up my mind to propose to her. However, before I could pop the question, she told me that we needed to sit down and have a talk. I assumed the worst: I would be dumped during the h...
Read full storyWilliam made redundant as government strips RAF of search and rescue role
Anglesey - The retirement of RAF Sea King helicopters means Wills and other search/rescue pilots are on the scrapheap - unless they're re-employed by private contractors bidding for the government contract. Whitehall rumors reckon that carriers su...
Read full storyJonathan Ross explains why he's changing his name to Rory Ramiro
It was a bold move that many industry insiders were calling 'career suicide'. Now, in an exclusive interview, British TV presenter Jonathan Ross speaks out for the first time about his decision to change his name to Rory Ramiro. "Look, it's all ab...
Read full storyNHS hospitals cut costs by feeding patients with deadly expensive Asian foods!
NHS hospitals are giving their patients foods which have travelled half way around the globe, are half-cooked, unfit for human consumption, but "lethally cost-effective". This new directive is a means of slashing costs drastically and creating a rapi...
Read full story"We're all ****ed!" says leading Economist
Craig Moleunit, Britain's Leading Economist*, has spoken frankly about the state of the World Economy. He spoke candidly in a recent interview with business magazine 'World Accounting News Kite'. "Basically, we're fucked! Screwed! Shagged! The deb...
Read full storyIrish embassy in Tehran relocates amid 'nasty' address mix-up
Tehran - The legation's splendid North Kamranieh Avenue mansion is being mothballed after years of abusive address mayhem. A global embassy address checker has long listed the Irish embassy as being located at 'No 8, Bomblast Didit Street, Tehran...
Read full storyNASA's Mars rover Curiosity sends footage of stricken Russian Phobos-Grunt probe
Roswell, Nevada - NASA HQ boffins have released video footage of what they say is the Russian Mars probe's final moments before being swallowed up by a UFO resembling a giant space squid. The Phobos-Grunt was carrying a Chinese heavyweight payload...
Read full storyWTF 'Charlotte Church: hole cut in bedsheet by photographers' in Leveson inquiry?
London - Mixed messages and poor audio equipment were blamed at the Leveson inquiry in London today. Rolling coverage into media ethics (sic) erupted into mayhem amid reports of misheard remarks by Ms Charlotte Church. The Welsh siren and singi...
Read full storyPalace staff to join other public sector workers for Wednesday's strike
London - Bang goes Wednesday's investiture ceremony that would have gonged-up former News of the World veterans with glitz and gilt (sic). News that Buckingham Palace's 250-strong brigade of footmen, butlers and assorted ermine fluffers will join...
Read full storyParis Hilton's Crazy Whorse cabaret 'laid bear' - reports
South Dakota - An incident at the Black Hills, Custer County monument complex featuring the LA starlet's burlesque video dance routine is being investigated according to reports from South Dakota. Locals say 'bear abuse' is suspected after a '400l...
Read full storyAirlines to charge British female passengers 20% extra
A dozen airlines, which include those of Britain, the USA, Canada, France and Germany are to start adding a 20% 'fat charge' to the flight tickets of all female passengers holding British passports. This is as a result of a report by the European...
Read full storyWiccan joy as Pentagon builds $80,000 Stonehenge replica at USAF training academy
Colorado Springs - "Silly excuse for naked revelry around a bonfire during the full moon!" is how one scornful US general put it as news of the Pentagon funding broke this week. However for the US military's motley crew of wiccans, pagans and asso...
Read full storyDoctors warn 'Avoid Weak Ends'
Doctors are warning patients to avoid weak ends if they want to live a bit longer. Chairman of the British Medical Association, Dr Timeoff, declared quite openly that being ill could be a problem if you were vulnerable with weak ends. 'Not only ha...
Read full storySuck at Karaoke? There's an app for that
Nobody who likes music likes to be in a pub on Karaoke night. As song after song is murdered by talentless twerps who believe that volume makes up for ability. Now anybody can produce a virtuoso performance on Karaoke night and receive a standing...
Read full storyOccupy Dorking Protestors Target "Review Fat Cats"
The quiet Surrey market town of Dorking is the latest focus of 'occupy' activists. Occupy Dorking protestors have set up camp in the picturesque open-air shopping area, St Martin's Walk. Their protest is the latest action in a series of protests w...
Read full story2 female obese serial killers cause havoc in Ramsbottom, Lancashire!
Two fat ladies (not singing) have been identified as serial killers in Ramsbottom, Lancashire UK, after a series of male, dead bodies, had been fished out of the River Ogden by fly-fishers with nothing better to do. The local police were bemused...
Read full storyThe Porter Ranch, California Police Have Released The Black Friday Pepper Sprayer!
PORTER RANCH, California - Police in the San Fernando Valley town of Porter Ranch have released the infamous Black Friday Pepper Sprayer and are still trying to figure out if they should file charges against her. What? According to Fuchsia Garfunk...
Read full storyMG Rover Re-launched by NASA
Nasa has launched the most incapable machine ever built to land on Mars. The red soft-top MG Rover, tucked inside a capsule, left Florida on an Atlas 5 rocket at 10:02 local time (15:02 GMT). Nicknamed 'Curiously Rusty', the MG Rover will tak...
Read full storyFo'real customers will have to prove 'they're worth it'
Following on from the enormous success of their advertising slogan - 'Because I'm worth it' - Fo'real has announced that from 2012, women will be required to prove they are worthy of buying their products. While the cosmetics giant is remaining sk...
Read full storyCalifornia's Black Friday Pepper Sprayer Who Sprayed 20 Customers Has Been Captured
PORTER RANCH, California - Porter Ranch, the town in the San Fernando Valley resembled 1880s Tombstone, Arizona, more than it did a modern day California city on Black Friday. The Porter Ranch Police Department received calls that a crazy shopper...
Read full storyCrayola makes history
During a recent attempt to insulate Michelangelo's David from the footsteps of visitors, the senior restoration and preservation manager discovered a seam covered with a century of dust. The manager explains:"At first I thought it was a crack, fe...
Read full storyNew York City Ring of Steel Indicative Of Terrorism Cells Rampant In Midtown
The requests that have been put forward by the NY City Police Chief for government grants to cover at least some of the 91 million that is needed to reinforce the city's Ring of Steel in Midtown, has been backed up by claims that the surveillance cam...
Read full storyViagra to go white for Christmas
Viagra, the 'little blue pill', will be white during the coming Christmas festive season. It will also be sold at a fraction of its current price. And one will be able to buy one pill at a time at the price of just 1cent. "It's our Christmas...
Read full storySanta Claus and North Pole get Foreclosed On
In news that will destroy the spirit of Christmas, it has been announced that world's biggest bank Lechers' R Us has just foreclosed on Santa Claus's North Pole Kiddies' R U Enterprise. Apparently, the world's recession has affected even Santa Cl...
Read full storyPaula Deen caught noshing fruit salad in Giada de Laurentiis' kitchen
Paula Deen is a champion for Southern-style comfort food like grandma would have made back in the 1940's, back when people didn't know anything about nutrition and cigarettes were widely believed to cure sore throats and asthma. Now Deen, the Food...
Read full storyFlexicon: The mangled language of online dating
Allow me to introdunce myself. Oh dear, did I just make myself look stupid? Okay, I confess: I swiped that eloquent introduction from a profile I spotted on an internet dating site. You see, I had decided to try online dating and I was spending some time checking out the site, getting a feel for the kinds of people who were on there. It didn't take me long to realise that the search for a per...
Read full storyFlorida Woman Finds Painting Worth Nothing!
A 72 year Florida woman made the purchase of a lifetime recently when she bought a rare painting that could fetch as much as three hundred cents at auction.The painting is one of only six known in existence and the lucky lady found the treasure at a...
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