Flexicon: The mangled language of online dating

Written by Flexicon

Monday, 28 November 2011

Allow me to introdunce myself. Oh dear, did I just make myself look stupid? Okay, I confess: I swiped that eloquent introduction from a profile I spotted on an internet dating site. You see, I had decided to try online dating and I was spending some time checking out the site, getting a feel for the kinds of people who were on there. It didn't take me long to realise that the search for a perfect partner isn't about common interests, physical attraction or even compatibility. Oh no. When it comes to looking for love online, it's all about the typos.

As I poured over people's profiles, it seemed there was no limit to the ways in which language could be mangled, and meaning misrepresented. Now, I'm as open-minded as the next girl, but I draw the line at 'pubic displays of affection'. And who on earth would want to meet somebody 'well-manured'? A polite gardener? Judging by the number of people who enjoy 'winning and dinning', there's nothing better than jubilantly banging saucepan lids together. Or perhaps you're more of a 'homobody', in which case you're possibly on the wrong site.

Considering that your internet dating profile is your personal calling card - your opportunity to present yourself at your absolute best - I was surprised how many seemed to be thrown together without even a quick check over. And then there were the letters...

The first man who contacted me, emailed me thus: 'Good mourning!' I thought good grief! Another told me that I was 'whitty.' I know I'm short but he didn't have to rub it in. And on it went. One chap was hardwokking' - I could just picture him relentlessly stir-frying - the next led a 'petty busy life', which I took to mean he ran around all day doing bugger all. Yet another wrote that he was 'gaol oriented', which is not something I'd be bragging about, although he seemed a step up from the guy who was looking for his 'parter in crime', which obviously meant he just wanted a patsy to drive the getaway car.

In time I became despondent. Was I, like so many others on the site, 'searching in vein'? Looking for blood in all the wrong places? And then it dawned on me: I was not conversant with the language of online dating. Maybe there were others like me. I felt it was my mission to compile these peculiar words and expressions, and add helpful definitions, to produce the world's first flexible lexicon.

And so Your Daily Flexicon was born. Please join me each day as I reveal the words and phrases guaranteed to keep you single for a whole year. Your Daily Flexicon is the essential guide for the online dater, or indeed anyone who has a thing for typos, malapropisms and plane baad speling.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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