California's Black Friday Pepper Sprayer Who Sprayed 20 Customers Has Been Captured

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 28 November 2011

image for California's Black Friday Pepper Sprayer Who Sprayed 20 Customers Has Been Captured
Some of the Black Friday shoppers waiting outside the Walmart store in Porter Ranch, California.

PORTER RANCH, California - Porter Ranch, the town in the San Fernando Valley resembled 1880s Tombstone, Arizona, more than it did a modern day California city on Black Friday.

The Porter Ranch Police Department received calls that a crazy shopper was in the Malwart store and she had pepper sprayed a total of 20 fellow Black Friday customers as they all lunged towards the displays of Xbox video game players, Wii video games, and the latest Justin Bieber CD.

Fuchsia Garfunkel with The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle, who was at the store covering the event, said that she was standing in line with what she estimated to be about 9,000 Black Friday customers.

Miss Garfunkel said that as soon as the doors opened the humongous crowd started running in and it looked like the Kentucky Derby except that instead of thoroughbred race horses it was more like quarterhorses and plow horses plodding in.

She said that one blue-haired female customer, who appeared to be in her late 80s, was wearing industrial steel toed boots and hollering "Geronimooooooo!"

Another woman who looked to be about 7 months pregnant, and who was holding a 10-month-old baby, put out her foot and physically tripped two elderly women causing one to get run over by an elderly man in a wheel chair.

Garfunkel said that she could hear people using every derivative of the "F" word known to man including friggin, freakin, frackin, fruckin, fluckin and several more.

One woman was dressed in football shoulders pads and was actually wearing a San Diego Chargers football helmet. She managed to get to the front of the crowd fairly easy as she was ramming everyone with her helmet.

And then just as she made it to the front where all the electronic gadgets were located a woman wearing a pink bandanna, a Lady Gaga T-shirt, and lavender shorts that were three sizes too big suddenly reached in her bra and pulled out a can of pepper spray.

She hollered out for everyone to get back. Someone shouted out that the can was not loaded. The woman then proceeded to pepper spray the crowd.

Pzzzzzt! Pzzzzt! Pzzzzt! Pzzzzt!

Everyone was screaming and yelling. One woman in a walker tried to kick her ass but she missed landing on a baby stroller. Another woman, who appeared to be in her early 90s yelled, "Quick someone tackle the crazy-ass bitch so I can grab a Wii video game for my great grandson."

But the woman was bound and determined. She kept on spraying.

Pzzzzzt! Pzzzzzt! Pzzzzzt! Pzzzzzt!

Finally, two elderly women, later identified as the 87-year-old Picante twins, Elvira Jo and Jo Elvira of Granada Hills, managed to each grab a hold of one of the pepper sprayer's legs and slam her onto the tile floor a total of four times before the pepper spraying skank let go of the pepper spray can.

The pepper sprayer composed herself and took off running towards the exit. She was last seen running at a high rate towards the Ronald Reagan Freeway.

The Porter Ranch Police Department has stated that The infamous "Malwart Black Friday Pepper Sprayer" has been captured. They are not releasing her name at this time, so the news media is referring to her by the fictitious name of Naomi Coulter.

The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Reporter will bring you further details regarding the infamous Porter Ranch Malwart Pepper Spraying Bitch when they become available.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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