The Porter Ranch, California Police Have Released The Black Friday Pepper Sprayer!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 28 November 2011

image for The Porter Ranch, California Police Have Released The Black Friday Pepper Sprayer!
A photo taken of the infamous Black Friday Pepper Sprayer. (Photo by an unnamed customer).

PORTER RANCH, California - Police in the San Fernando Valley town of Porter Ranch have released the infamous Black Friday Pepper Sprayer and are still trying to figure out if they should file charges against her.

What? According to Fuchsia Garfunkel, a reporter with The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle, who witnessed the stupidly senseless pepper spraying act, the answer is really a "No-Brainer" and it's a resounding "HELL YES!"

Miss Garfunkel remarked that the pathetic excuse for a woman took a can of industrial pepper spray which she had hidden in her bra and sprayed it in the faces of 20 individuals who were simply out looking for bargains on shopping items like Xbox video game players, Wii video games, and the latest Justin Bieber CD.

None of the shoppers deserved to have pepper spray sprayed in their faces and eyes by some crazed lunatic who is the type of individual who will drive 30 miles out of her way to save two cents on a can of creme style corn.

The Porter Ranch Police Department apprehended the bottom-feeding, scumbag woman and then released her after she refused to talk.

Damn, that was easy. I wonder why other criminals have never thought of that one? In other words just keep quiet. Don't say a damn thing, and bingo you'll get released.

"Okay sir or madam you are free to leave the police station since you aren't going to answer our questions. Thank you. Have a nice day. Oh and here is a nice parting gift for you."

The Porter Ranch men in blue need to arrest her pepper spraying ass, throw her in a jail cell, and send a clear message that this type of outlandish, criminal behavior will not be tolerated.

And if the men in blue do not send that message then what can we expect next? some woman or man at a little league baseball game pepper spraying the opposing team parents sitting in the stands?

Or perhaps, when a motorist is stopped for having a burned out tail light she or he can reach underneath the seat and pepper spray the officer who asked to see his or her driver's license.

Or maybe a day care teacher can take a can of pepper spray and hit her unruly kids with a couple of shots just because they did not put the Lego's away in the proper colored coded boxes.

Pepper spraying cannot be allowed to become the next pie-in-the-face fad. It cannot be allowed to be used as a tool by any Tom, Dick, or Harriet to subject lawabiding people to that horrible act.

So the unnamed Black Friday Pepper Sprayer, who the media is referring to as "Naomi Coulter" needs to be arrested, tried, and put in prison for at least two years.

She needs to be locked away with the big bad girls who will show her that she is not the tough ass bitch she thinks she is.

Law enforcement authorities, lawyers, and judges really need to put a stop to this new "Fad" before it gets out of hand more than it already has. Today it's Walmart, tomorrow it could be Macy's or Saks Fifth Avenue.

And now the word is that the Bravo Network is already developing a show to be called I Got Your Pepper Spray, in which two contestants stand face-to-face and on the count of three begin pepper spraying the hell out of each other until the first one falls down.

The winner wins a cash prize of $2,000 and the loser gets an ambulance ride to a nearby hospital emergency room. An inside source said that three people are being considered to be the show's host; Joan Rivers, Ann Coulter, and Ricky Gervais.

In a related story. Sales of pepper spray since the post Thanksgiving Day incident have gone up by 900%. So you see what Officer John "Pepper Spray" Pike and that Black Friday Pepper Spraying Bitch have already done?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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