Grant Again Fails To Capture Elusive CMA Award
NASHVILLE, TN. - The 45th Annual CMA Awards have come and gone, but longtime country and western singer Onus Grant's anger at being snubbed yet one more time remains. "You have to know what I know about the dirty business of country music to reall...
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Obama Spent Veteran's Day With "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3" Addicts
HAWAII - During today's press conference, President Barack Obama admitted that he spent the better part of this past Veteran's Day visiting with recovering video game addicts at John Hopkins Internet Recovery Center in Baltimore, Maryland. "As an...
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Harrier Jump Jet fleet flogged off to America in $400 million deal
London - Grounded last year by the Strategic Sitting-On-Da-Fence and Security Review the vertical take-off and landing warplanes have been snapped up by US Marines in an RAF car boot sale at Brize Norton. Pentagon sources confirmed the purchase b...
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Goal Celebration School ahead of World Cup
With goal celebrations becoming ever more complicated, Trent Training, based in Tyneside, have set up a new training regime for professional players to teach them new goal celebrations. "Obviously," said Trent Training Teaching Co-Ordinator, Alan...
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Child Psychologist Slams CBeebies.
A leading child psychologist has hit out at BBC children's channel CBeebies over its new cartoon series 'Horace The Hearse''. Dr. Simion Templer claimed the show "endangers children's understanding of bereavement and grief" with its depictions of...
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Vladimir Putin Calls Obama "Embryonic Bolshevik"
MOSCOW - Vladimir Putin was just chosen as the winner of the second Confucian Peace Prize by an obscure cultural organization, the China International Peace Research Centre, from a field of nominees that including Bill Gates, Angela Merkel, Kofi Anna...
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Freddie Starr ate Fatima Whitbread's testicles
Comedian Freddie Starr was dramatically rushed to hospital yesterday after eating Fatima Whitbread's testicles on I'm A Donut Get Me Out Of Here. The pot-bellied scouser suffered an allergic reaction to the Bushtucker Trial but dismissed reports t...
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Prime Minister reveals Plan for Constitutional Change
It was confirmed by the Prime Minister today that plans for a far-reaching constitutional change that will involve the introduction of a new convention, that mystic instrument usually used by British politicians to cover up any sort of injustice infl...
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"Evenin' All!" - Shop workers enticed to train as special constables for 2012
The Metropolitan Police have asked retailers to free up shop staff on full pay (minimum wage?) to work as special constables with full Police powers...as in 'cannon fodder'...during the olympic Games debacle. The programme called (ironically) ESP...
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The Uterus And Romney
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced what women may or may not do with their uterus. Or, what he and the government say women may or may not do with their uterus. It's a citizen's arrest if women cross Romney's uterine line. While he is pr...
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China hails Putin 'pisstaker of the year'
Beijing - The universally despised Chinese military dictatorship has awarded the Global Piss Process' ultimate gong to Russian Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin. The pint-sized evolution throwback beat off fellow nominees Bill Gates, Angela M...
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Occupy NY is over and the local rodents are desperately unhappy (or happy)!
NY, today: The Occupy NY movement is over as police and security guards cleared the rabble away because it was an eye-sore for the public and they didn't achieve anything anyway. Bankers, brokers and the mega-rich are happy to see those protesting...
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London 2012: Surface-to-air missile defences for Olympic Games
Surface-to-air missiles could be used to protect the skies over London during the 2012 Olympic Games. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said they would be rolled out if military top brass decide they are needed. Mr. Hammond told us, "We're intendin...
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Rare yellow diamond 'is a fake'
Geneva - A plot to flog off a 'rare yellow diamond' has gone pear-shaped Interpol sources said today. Brilliant refraction by the 110.3 carat 'Sun Dance Squid' - said to resemble an octopus' testicles, er...tentacles! - makes the stone worth an e...
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"Is that a gun or are you excited to see me?"
In yet another shock announcement it would appear that the UK is woefully short of around 11,000 security staff to oversee the forthcoming Olympic Games fiasco in 2012! Upon hearing this shock announcement President Obama immediately summoned his...
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Tevez: The real reason for his depression
Carlos Trevez cuts a lonely figure as he walks the streets in the early hours of the morning in Argentina. Most of the world press are reporting he depressed as he isn't playing regularly football but we know the truth and there are two reasons. T...
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Bryanair to pay airport staff 50p per overweight hand luggage bag spotted
Airport staff are being offered a 50p bonus for every Bryanair passenger they catch with oversized or overweight hand luggage. The new scheme at Liverpool John Lennon Airport encourages handlers to crack down on passengers, who then have to pay th...
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News International Shocked by Horror Number
News International is shocked by the suggestion that 28 of its journalists requested phone hacking enquires from Glenn Mulcaire - who carried out the hacking on behalf of NI. They are asking the Leveson enquiry into hacking to take a course in ele...
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The Occupy Wall Street Protesters Are Planning On Disrupting The GOP Presidential Campaign With A 'Vote For The Worst" Strategy
NEW YORK CITY - The Occupy Wall Street movement keeps gaining in popularity and in strength. A spokesperson for the group Trevor "iPhone" Gibbyfair stated that the protesters have really been encouraged by the kind words from such noted celebriti...
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Botulism sauce recipe traced to Gaddafi's infamous 'Duntossin' mansion
London - Investigators probing Saif 'As Houses' Al-Gaddafi's North London gaff said today they've found the sauce of a botulism outbreak. Police frogmen paddled about in a London N2 pool used to cook up toxic crap retailing at £1.99 for 400ml at I...
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Herman Cain Seeks Out Wiener
In a shocking development today, GOP nominee Herman Cain has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Wiener (Democrat-New York)to be his Vice Presidential running mate. Cains handlers said Herman wants America to know that a Cain-Wiener ticket m...
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Janet Jackson is actually Michael Jackson In Disguise
A shocking discovery was made today. Janet Jackson is actually Michael Jackson in disguise. One fan wrote in their diary, "I always wondered why it was you never saw the two of them together. And Janet's face looked funny after Michael got his sur...
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University Challenge: Oxford Students Serve Up Spicy Dish - Including A Brief Discussion On The Appropriateness Or Otherwise Of A Saucy Metaphor
Two Oxford colleges cooked up a tasty dish for gourmands of University Challenge in a second course match this week. Worcester College edged out Queen's at the coffee course and duly take their place in the quarter-finals. We're becoming very familiar with Worcester's likeable foursome of Dave Knapp, Jack Bramhill, Jonathan Metzer and skipper Rebecca Gillie - this is their third appearance t...
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Due To The NBA Lockout, Many Cheerleaders Are Joining Cheerleading Squads of Pro Basketball Teams in South America and Europe
NEW YORK CITY - Well the NBA lockout continues. And it appears that both owners and players aren't even close to settling their differences. Sports Territory Magazine is reporting that one of the NBA owners has said privately that he is seriously...
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Jesse James Finally Admits That He Did Cheat On Kat Von D - But Only With 19 Women!
WEST HOLLYWOOD - After weeks and weeks of denial, Jesse James has finally decided to tell the truth. "Messy" Jesse spoke with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk and he said that he could not keep it a secret any longer. He confessed that he...
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I'm Kim Jong Il - Your Lunatic BFF
Hey there. Remember me? I'm Kim Jong II. Ring a bell? No? Back in '06 I was the man. I detonated a low yield nuclear weapon off the coast of North Korea. How crazy is that? Plenty crazy. That's sniffing airplane glue, huddled in the corner of a rat infested basement writing cryptic Greek messages on the wall and screaming about ants and Wilfred Laurier crazy - but oh no. 2 years ago everyone was t...
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Drag Me To Hell - The Joys of Public Transportation
The poster advertisement at the bus terminal shows a picture of a guy who looks as though he accidentally walked in on his roommate's hot girlfriend taking a shower, and has sprawled out on a plush comfortable couch, hands laced behind his head, just reliving the moment. The caption reads "Get Ready For Comfort". Poster guy has a laptop, an I-Pod, a stack of books, and what appears to be a rather...
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The Statue of Liberty - A solution to America's debt crisis.
With America's debt crisis spiralling out of control, the Federal Reserve has called on all Government Departments to review their portfolios to look for any cost saving or revenue generating opportunities. In a leaked memo from the National Park...
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The Dregs of History (6) Bartwald the Brain-damaged.
Bartwald lived from 1152 - 1184 and was the premier jouster of his time. He performed many times in front of Henry II. Undeniably the star of sport, he had a serious following throughout England and neighbouring European countries. This consisted mostly of young women, including a large proportion of the Royal Court. It would be fair to say that he was the forerunner of the modern football star.
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