Florida Woman Finds Painting Worth Nothing!

Funny story written by Bobby Bou

Monday, 28 November 2011


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A 72 year Florida woman made the purchase of a lifetime recently when she bought a rare painting that could fetch as much as three hundred cents at auction.The painting is one of only six known in existence and the lucky lady found the treasure at a yard sale and only paid five dollars for it.

Maureen Hutchins of Chiggabug,FL has been going to yard sales for over 40 years but had never found anything so worthless before.

"I've bought some really useless things but nothing like this painting. I collect anything worthless like old calendars, single used skis, stained clothing, movies on Beta tapes, empty perfume bottles and such," said the full-time hoarder. "Although I do a lot of research on antiques I occasionally make a mistake and pay too little for something. Last month we picked up a beautiful Tiffany chandelier for 10 dollars and when I got it home I said " What the hell am I going to do with this thing?". I put it out in the garage but I never got to sell it cuz my husband backed the car too far inta the garage and he done smashed it. Other wise I guess I been lucky. I'm mostly a teapot collector. got me nearly thirty of em."

Mrs Hutchins bought the painting 4 years ago while yard-saleing with a friend.

" I saw the painting tucked into the corner of the garage. The frame was moldy and the painting was all dirty. What a filthy piece of shit. I had to have it. I just thought it would look good in our trailer home. I hanged it up in the bathroom to hide a hole that my husband had done punched in the wall."

The 12×24 painting hung on her bathroom wall until it was spotted by her daughter who had been to the Museum of Bad Art just days before.

" We are very excited to have this piece with us. A Cat With Crabs should will bring a record low price at auction," said expert appraiser Zephon SinClaire. " We've had a lot of pre-auction disinterest in this particular piece. The auction will be held next Tuesday of course and will be televised live on Pay Per View. It is very rare that we find a painting that is completely worthless and in such good condition. Security will be nonexistent because of the rare nature of the piece."

The painting was done by the unknown artist Roseanne Cotes. Cotes lived in Florida from 1992 to 2010 and despite taking three art courses at the local senior center, she had no aptitude for painting.

"She had no clue about shade,shadow, or scale," said Paul Brandone, curator at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston ."This is what made her such a terrible painter and so uncollectable. She had absolutely no talent whatsoever and in fact was she banned from many art supply stores. Currently there are two Cotes hanging at the Museum of Bad Art (http://museumofbadart.org) and there is another Cote hanging on the boiler room wall in the Guggenheim."

When asked what she was going to do with the money from the sale, Mrs Hutchins replied, "Well, I ain't going out and buying a new washer machine yet. If it sells for 3 dollars we'll get about a dolla fifty after paying the auction house. I'm going straight down to Dollar Tree and I'm buying something nice for myself. Maybe I'll get a bottle of that hair conditioner that smells like kerosine or maybe a coupla frozen dinners."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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