Red Top mobile hacking drama 'spreads to Maddie phone'
London - A November 2009 spoof news story that 'Maddie cellphone starts bleeping from China' may have triggered attempts to hack into her mobile, QM NewsCorpse sources learned tonight. Madeleine McCann's May 2007 disappearance remains unsolved des...
Read full storyBP Win Pipe Smoker of the year
BP's Deepwater Horizon oil well has won the company the coveted Pipe Smoker of the year award for 2011. "We were quite surprised," said CEO of BP, Michael Barrymore. "Not just about the award, but the fact that it has been a year since we managed...
Read full storyPippa receives postcard from sister Kate
Pippa Middleton excitedly rang the editor of 'Gobsmacked News' to let her know she received a postcard from sister Kate this morning. Kate is vacationing in Canada with her Prince and told Pippa she is having a wonderful time being fussed over and p...
Read full storyNews of the World Really Takes the Piss this Time
Media circles were rocked today by the news that the News of the World may well have done something so pretty fucking unapologetically depraved that you might as well physically climb one hundred flights of stairs to hand over the cover price to a psychopath pointing and laughing at people and their shit lives from a penthouse flat in Canary Wharf as actually buy the newspaper itself. It appear...
Read full storyDavid Haye to continue breaking promises with Lib Dem role
David Haye is primed to continue breaking promises made to the nation after Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said a job offer from his party was as inevitable as the 12-round hammering the boxer suffered at the hands Vladimir Klitschko on Saturday...
Read full storyPamela Anderson has the boobs and bum of a 22 year old, she's 44!
Pamela Anderson has modelled her latest collection of very sexy undies herself and astonished the world because her boobs and bum are those of a 22 year-old and she's just turned 44! Pam has had a pretty raunchy life ever since she left the Baywat...
Read full storyPremiership League TAGs movement gaining momentum-more tarts and girlfriends desperate to be papped
According to the latest story from 'Gobsmacked News' relating to the newly-formed TAGs group - 'Tarts and Girlfriends' are sticking close to their favourite EPL players in order to get papped as often as possible. The TAGs spokeswoman, Lucette de...
Read full storyUproar In America Over Beckham Baby Name
There's been absolute uproar in the American press today, as the Beckhams, David and Victoria revealed that they are to name their baby 'West Side Crip.' Conservative Americans turned their vitriol on the English footballer for naming his daughter...
Read full storyBob the Builder banned from all Burger Restaurants in Yorkshire
'Gobsmacked News' reported today that Bob the Builder has been banned from ALL Burger Restaurants in Yorkshire for at least 8 months. Apparently, Bob the Builder was heading into his favourite Burger Restayrabt for his lunch yesterday and had aske...
Read full storyCrop Circle Discovered In Pensioner's Garden
[Burnley Echo] Conspiracy theorists were buzzing today after photographs were published of what appears to be a crop circle in a pensioner's garden. The out-of-this-world design, which resembles a giant penis, was first spotted by eager-eyed grandmot...
Read full storyA Full Review of WindowBlinds
When I first encountered WindowBlinds I was confused. After all, I live in a second floor apartment which is surrounded by trees. What use would I have for WindowBlinds? The answer came one afternoon shortly after acquiring WindowBlinds, as I was surfing the web in the privacy-or so I thought-of my bedroom. Imagine my surprise,and that of the window washer, when I looked up after pleasuring my...
Read full storyLocal Man Declines Sausage Flavoured Lager
Local man Martin Shuttlecock, in an uncharacteristic fit of adventurousness, travelled to the posher suburbs of London, somewhere near, or even in Kent, apparently for a family double-Christening. The ceremony itself passed off without major incid...
Read full storyChinese In Bid To Buy Royal Family
[AP, Chipping Sodbury] It was revealed today that a Chinese investment consortium is attempting to buy the British Royal Family. Wun Hung Lo, acquisitions representative for the Happy Lucky Investment Company number 4 based in Long Dong province of n...
Read full story'Obama Assassinated' Anonymous
Fox News was surprised to learn that the President of the United States had been assassinated. They had the news on their very own Politics twitter - so it must be true! But this news came from an anonymous source and specified that Obama had been...
Read full storyClose shave for Ryan Giggs
It was reported in 'Gobsmacked News' this morning, that Ryan Giggs, the famous Manchester United mid-fielder (for those readers new to football) did indeed have a close shave three days ago. Apparently Giggsy picked up one of his wife's razors by...
Read full storyMaria Sharapova To Buy £10,000 House In Burnley, Lancashire
Beaten Wimbledon Ladies Singles finalist, Maria Sharapova has been outed as the mystery buyer of a £10,000 terraced house, on Pritchard Street, in Burnley, Lancashire. It is an established fact that Maria Sharapova has a massive fan base in the La...
Read full storyStrauss-Khan says he still likes the film "Maid in Manhattan"
Former head of the International Monetary Fund, or IMF, Dominique Strauss-Khan has publicly admitted that despite all that has happened in recent weeks, he still enjoys "Maid In Manhattan." The 2002 film about Jennifer Lopez falling for a high ran...
Read full storyPremiership League football players have new group of fans - TAGs wanting to be papped
A female reporter from The Daily Tacky reported today about a new group of female fans following the Premiership League football players. The group is calling themselves TAGs, or Tarts And Girlfriends. This group is in no-way attached to the WAGs...
Read full storyPrince Charles 'tried to escape three times' before wedding to Camilla: reports
London - His daughter Princess Charlene of Monaco may have picked up a congenital disposition to flee her nuptials, worried genealogists said today. Fans of Charles reckon he had to be sedated and had his passport confiscated - three times, no les...
Read full storyThe NBA Lockout Causes L.A. Lakers Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol To Take Chinese Lessons At UCLA So They Can Go Play In China
LOS ANGELES - NBA Commissioner David Stern has issued an NBA Lockout. The Collective Bargaining Agreement was tossed into the trash can along with yesterday's newspaper, KFC fast food bags, and the dozens of Starbucks cappuccinos, frappuccinos, and l...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen booted out of Scientology Movement
Nutty fruitcake and general winner, Charlie 'they named it after me' Sheen has been kicked out of the Scientology movement for being too much of a nut job. "I was asked to pass on the bad news," said Scientology's leading light, Tom Cruise. "Me an...
Read full storyLocal Man To Sign Up As Spoof Writer Following Humungous Row
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock today revealed that he plans to sign up for satirical website www.TheSpoof.whatever in order to write accounts of his own misfortunes, as opposed to letting his ex-friend Skoob write about his misadventures and garner al...
Read full storyArsene Wenger To Change His Name To Big Dave Whitehead To Spite Harry Redknapp
The incoming news is somewhat inconclusive, but it appears to be indicating that Arsenal boss, Arsene Wenger, is to change his name by deed poll to Big Dave Whitehead, in order to achieve a greater degree of Anglicisation, and to spite rival Cockney...
Read full storyLong Suffering Wife Of Local Man Wakes Herself Up Snoring Ahead Of Haye v Klitschko Fight
Local woman, Anne Shuttlecock, woke herself up tonight waiting for the David Haye v Wladimir Klitschko World Heavyweight Championship fight, which was being beamed live via satellite from Hamburg, Germany. Insiders say that Anne Shuttlecock fell i...
Read full storyElderly Care 'To Be Knee-Capped At £35K'
London - Those Nazi Tories want to knee-cap scrounging geriatric layabouts who refuse to pay for local authority chemical coshing during the twilight years, a report out today has concluded. This means a new £35,000 'bung' will be required before...
Read full storySpurs challenge West Ham's 14-0 win
Tottenham Hotspur are contending West Ham's 14-0 win in the fixture between the two teams last season. A spokesman for Spurs told me that the 'goals West Ham scored only went in because our goalkeeper was looking at several lightly clad girls who...
Read full storyNottingham Survey on Police Morale Carried Out
The Nottingham council have organised, conducted and financed a survey, on what the Nottingham police officers actually think about the cut-backs of 289 of their number from the Service in the Nottingham area, and how they will affect them personally...
Read full storyMe Love You Thong Time
Amazingly my new found darling replied to the silly nonsense I wrote yesterday. Here is her replying and neverest. My Dearest Beloved and landfill, Me love you thong time when yesterday.Thank you so much for this terrible opportunity you have given me once again.How are you doing,your health and also the satisfying of things over there? To God be glory for bring us together in one dark hea...
Read full storyDisgust at paedo Ronnie Raygun statue
London - Erection of the ten foot bronze monster in London's Grosvenor Square has been met with widespread disbelief. Local Westmonster Council byelaws only permit such public commemoration after a 'decent' period of official whitewashing - usual...
Read full storyBritish Museum - Treasures Of Heaven
Subtitle: saints, relics and devotion in medieval Europe. The stars of this exhibition are beautifully-crafted reliquaries that demonstrate the effort, skill and expenditure that went into housing the purported bits of saints' bodies for the faithful to visit. Historian Ken Lucid went along for a look... What is it with the BM, eh? Last time out it was The Book of the Dead, all about ancien...
Read full storyLatest FaceBook lawsuit--Ex Harvard Professor sues for 90% ownership
Menlo Park, CA - Yet another lawsuit has been filed against FaceBook owner Mark Zuckerberg. Recently retired Harvard professor Jonah Goldman filed papers in superior court alleging that he possesses a written document in which Zuckerberg promises him...
Read full storyFlorida is Being Covered With Asphalt
In the newspaper today, I read: There are 60,000 square miles of paved roads in the United States. That's the equivalent of Florida being covered with asphalt. Imagine that, an entire state covered with asphalt! And is it coincidence that the state of choice is Florida? I think not. Most of the citizenry is over sixty five, anyway. Right? And that gives them the right to drive where ever th...
Read full storySpoof Bike Race: Dunbeath to Helmsdale! The Treacherous Path!
As Seaton, J.O. and Birbee settled in next to their fire, their strange array of transportation did not go unnoticed by neighbouring campers. "Get a load of the "Scottie Dogs", said Jean Le Fete to Morse and a Catholic Priest they'd picked up hitch hiking. "Now, now, young fellow, bless-ed are the....Damned short term memory loss! Alz....something or other, terrible, can't remem...something...
Read full storyCharlie "Fruit Salad" Sheen Has Asked Maria Sharapova To Be His New "Goddess"
SHERMAN OAKS - It is no secret by now that Charlie "Fruit Salad" Sheen is to common sense what Sarah Palin is to geography. The two know deep down inside that they are in all actuality perfect examples of the term invented years ago by then Vice-P...
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