Ali Bullo's Tips For A Rewarding Life
Turkish born, Ali Bullo is well known for operating a string of kebab vans and shops in Hampshire, Dorset, and West Sussex, where he is widely regarded as the consummate entrepreneur. Not many kebab vendors do a neat sideline in photoshopped nude celebrity calendars, featuring the likes of Charlotte Church, Pixie Lott, and Cindy Beale out of EastEnders, but Ali reckons he makes as much from the do...Read full story
Catching a Ferry This Summer? Beware of Mines!
The German WW2 mine discovered - then lost again - by the Royal Navy yesterday nine nautical miles off the Essex coast, and said to be the biggest since one washed up on the Suffolk coast all the way back in 1946, could mean having to ban all Britis...Read full story
Hairy Porter and the Deaf Leaf Gatherer Part 1
Hairy Porter entered the gates of Hinge and Bracket Hall. The school had a long history in the world of magic and myth, producing some of the worlds greatest tricksters and wizards. On a plaque, Hairy read the names of some well known old boys and girls, that he hoped to aspire too. Sir Robert Maxwell, Jeffrey Archer, William Clinton, Margret Thatcher, Winnie Mandela to name but a few. Hairy...Read full story
Tortoises Die On Their Backs
Oxford, UK: Have you ever wondered what would happen if a tortoise was stuck on its back? The results of a new study led by Prof. Colin Killmore, Professor of Pseudoscience at Oxford University, show conclusively that the tortoise would eventually d...Read full story
More Outtakes From "Jude The Obscure"
The schoolmaster was leaving the village. Everybody seemed sorry. The miller at Cuttercombe lent him the little tilted cart to carry his worldy goods to the city where he was going, some twenty miles off. "But still I am unable to move my worldly goods", said the schoolmaster. "Why be that, sir?" asked the miller, his weathered, flour-dusted visage peering up at the master. "I have no horse"...Read full story
England voted best country in the world
In a recent, totally impartial survey by English people, England was overwhelmingly voted as the best country in the world. One of the reasons England scored so high was our inventive skills. Amongst many other things, we invented time. Without time nothing else could be invented, so by default we pretty much invented everything. We invented America, Australia, and Canada, (apart from the sh...Read full story
Obama's pizza joke alerts the nation to its serious comedy deficit
Washington DC - President Barack Obama thought he'd open with a joke when he telephoned the crew of the International Space Station recently: "I was just dialing out for pizza, and I didn't expect to end up in space," Obama told the astronauts...Read full story
Local Man Cracks Up Watching Total Wipeout On BBC1
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who usually detests the mundane nonsense served up on Saturday night TV, had to admit defeat this evening after cracking up with unrestrained laughter at a pair of BBC offerings - Walk On The Wild Side, and Total Wipeou...Read full story
More Letters To The Editor About Phone Hacking
Dear Sir, I think it is jolly shocking all, thi's about Robert Murdog (Rupert Murdoch - Ed.) and these phone's what he has been hacking. After, all it i's so dear to run a phone line, without the'se hacking going on top of the bill's. I think that Robert Murdock (Rupert Murdoch, you fool - Ed.) should of been forced to pay the bil'ls for all thes'e people what phones' has of been hacked.Read full story
Selby Man In Happy Slapping Incident While Watching John Wayne
A Selby man was sitting quietly watching TV this afternoon when he was "happy slapped" by his wife. Royce Bandersnatch, of Cumberbatch Rise, had been looking forward to watching the classic Howard Hawks western, El Dorado, featuring John Wayne, Ro...Read full story
Porn Star Ron Jeremy Happy Slapped Whilst Planking In Peterborough
US adult movie icon, Ron Jeremy, was recovering today in his room at the Resteasy Motel on the A1 just outside Peterborough, following a happy slapping incident in the city. Mr Jeremy, visiting the UK in his role as a UN Money Shot Ambassador was...Read full story
"Glee" Planning Some Stunning Shakeups For The Upcoming Third Season
HOLLYWOOD - There will be a lot of sad faces at the end of next season's edition of the dramedy Glee. Glee has recently won many awards including Best Use of Cheerleading Uniforms in A Television Dramedy. It also received The Britney Spears Lip...Read full story
Elton John And David Furnish At Centre Of Kate Bush Happy Slapping Incident
National music treasure Kate Bush has become the the latest victim in the current spate of happy slapping attacks in and around London. Ms Bush, creator of such classics as Wuthering Heights, Babooshka and Cloudbusting was reportedly shopping in R...Read full story
Oooops! One of our bombs is missing!
Essex - Fears a stray whale or giant octopus may have swallowed a live 2,000lb (907kg) World War II mine were rife this afternoon. The ageing rusty bomb 'vanished' just as Navy frogmen were winching it into position off the Clacton coast. It ha...Read full story
Rihanna Shaken In Happy Slapping Incident At Sandwich British Open Golf Championship
US R&B icon, Rihanna of the red head, (No hair, just a red head - That's enough of that - Ed) was left shaken during a visit to Sandwich on a flying visit to take in a rather soggy British Open Golf Championship. Rihanna, who sang a song about...Read full story
BBC Haunted by Roy Castle
It has emerged that the ghost of Roy Castle has been haunting BBC Television Centre in London's White City since his death from lung cancer in 1994. Former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq recalls how she was regularly disturbed by the parping of a...Read full story
Brits thinking twice about holidaying abroad this year for economic reasons
Many Brits. are deciding to spend their summer holidays 'at home' as a result of the increasing prices in European countries for even the basics like food, beer and vodka. After pricing out a two week holiday in Spain, British couple, Nora and Pet...Read full story
Martin Shuttlecock's Restaurant Review - McDonalds In Fareham, Hants
What do you do if you're ever stuck (nobody would volunteer, surely) in Fareham, Hampshire, having just signed off the dole after two weeks of not claiming benefit, but with a little time to kill? Well, you could head for West Street - you couldn't really head for anywhere else really. There's only West Street... Skoob Magazine sent our befuddled reporter, Martin Shuttlecock, to check out th...Read full story
Horrified Taylor Momsen In Tears After Happy Slapping Incident In London's Leicester Square
Taylor Momsen, star of the US TV series 'Gossip' and lead singer with rock band, 'The Pretty Reckless' was resting in her hotel suite this afternoon after falling victim to a 'happy slapping' incident in London's Leicester Square, in the heart of the...Read full story
Fox News switches to All Comedy format in Murdoch scandal!
Fox News in a press release last night stated that the cable network was switching to an all comedy format. Without saying that the decision was due to the scandal currently swirling around Rupert Murdoch and his UK tabloid, observers were not in dou...Read full story
Hunger strike gets better of prisoner
Nigel Thornton Mallard Unwin-Rogers was released from prison today after a six year sentence. Who is Nigel Thornton...etc you ask? He was imprisoned following his reluctance to pay a fine of £1,268 imposed when he drove his automobile on the wron...Read full story
Rio Ferdinand of Manchester United all smiles
Rio Ferdinand is all smiles as he discusses the upcoming season. He admits to having moped around in past summers, worrying about United's future but has decided to 'turn his frown upside down'. Rio is laughing in the faces of all the doubter...Read full story
Lady Whip of West Ham: "I am not giving it to you, **** off."
The Dungeon Theatre, West Ham, London: Lady Labour Whip Lyn Brown, West Ham's Dominatrix 'infamous' rant at the Houses of Parliament; "For F***'s sake, move out of my F****** way." "You are such a rude F****** man, you just walked right in front of me." "I am not giving it to you, F*** off." "You just do that and see what happens." "You are harassing me, leave me alone." Lady Do...Read full story
Nonsense People - Who Are They?
Research by boffins at a top university has resolved an ages-old conundrum: who are nonsense people? Science suggests they are a small group descended from Italian immigrants living in a remote village in the heart of Wales. A large team of soc...Read full story
Who's Sorry Now?
Rupert Murdoch has discussed with me his new approach to dealing with the crisis at News International in an exclusive interview to be published in a special edition of Screws of the World. 'I'm sorry for everything' he told me frankly. I asked...Read full story
Banker Wars Part IV: A New Hope Part I
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... It was a time of economic panic and great market uncertainty. Attacked from all sides by angry mobs, bank traders were scattered throughout the galaxy. Everywhere they went, they had to cope with misguided individuals who blamed them for everything, and the Empire which wrongly sought to punish them for perceived crimes. Meanwhile, Luke Stockhold...Read full story
News International 'hacked into' 9/11 corpses
The FBI has revealed that, in the weeks after the 9/11 attacks in the US, employees of News International dug up the graves of victims and 'hacked' into them, removal vital organs, bones and even brains in an effort to find more information. Agent...Read full story
Rebekah Brooks is a 'can't'
Having declined to appear in from of the Department of Culture, Media and Sport's select committee next week, Rebekah Brooks has revealed herself to be a 'can't'. Despite the fact that both Rupert and James Murdoch have agreed to attend, Brooks ha...Read full story
As U.S. Space Shuttle Program Ends, Extraterrestrials Say HOORAY
In some quarters, there's a lot of sadness and nostalgia that the U.S. Space Shuttle Program is ending. Not so in outer space. Most of the folks there are delighted. Extraterrestrials are sick of American attempts to colonize THEIR space. They wish they'd just go home and stay put. One little female extraterrestrial was heard to say, "It's not bad enough that Americans think they ca...Read full story
Man VS Wild Epidemic: Several Admitted To Mental Institution
Scores of citizens in the city of Sofia, Bulgaria were said to be admitted to a local mental institution, in what is being described as a strangely bizarre epidemic known as: Man VS Wild Syndrome. In reference to the popular Discovery Channel tele...Read full story
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony Shockingly Announce That They're Divorcing!
MANHATTAN - Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony had just had dinner and were leaving Manhattan's exquisite Cinderella Cafeteria. The couple dined in the privacy of the cafeteria's luxurious Daniel Boone Elbow Room on an order of Lobster Ne...Read full story
Local Man Unwitting Witness To Daft Bag Leaving Bag On Train
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, once again found himself unwittingly at the heart of another British service industry crisis today, as he innocently minded his own business, waiting for a train at the local station. Apparently in order to board an ele...Read full story
NOAA whistleblower exposes global axis tilt
(Seattle) A former employee of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) announced today that the reason Seattle's weather is getting hotter and wetter is due to an increase in the tilt of the Earth's axis. "This is not just limit...Read full story
Mystery Blonde eludes John Smith of Scarborough, England. Spotted at Niagara-on-the Lake, Ontario
Sadly, John Smith of Scarborough, England, had to return from his vacation slightly deflated. He'd hoped to get photographs of the Mystery Blonde, but was thwarted at every turn. He had no choice but to return to Pearson Airport, Toronto, to catc...Read full story
Women that don't use treadmills more likely to die
A new Study shows women that don't use Treadmill's are more likely to get kidnapped or killed. The study revealed that women who stayed inside their own homes to work out and use their treadmills were 80% less likely to be kidnapped, beaten and/o...Read full story
Man becomes a woman to save his 22 years of marriage
After 22 years of marriage and two children, Mary told her husband Frank that she was a lesbian. Frank thought his marriage was over until he decided to do the most romantic gesture ever: he got a sex change. Mary still loved him, and he stil...Read full story