News of the World Really Takes the Piss this Time

Funny story written by Dr Jon

Monday, 4 July 2011


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ha ha, tum te tum, what me, worry?

Media circles were rocked today by the news that the News of the World may well have done something so pretty fucking unapologetically depraved that you might as well physically climb one hundred flights of stairs to hand over the cover price to a psychopath pointing and laughing at people and their shit lives from a penthouse flat in Canary Wharf as actually buy the newspaper itself.

It appears that in order to make money from a publicity campaign they had started on the subject of Child Abuse (that's a publicity campaign on the subject of child abuse in case you weren't paying attention) the paper arranged for the affairs of a dead child to be illegally interfered with by a private eye so they could write a fucking news story.

This appears to have perhaps dicked with a Police Investigation and may have upset a lot of people.

However, the Newspaper continued to sell very well during that period, which is clearly a good thing for the person who edited the thing at the time, and the Australian she worked for. So, no one need worry.

In fact, no need to worry at all. We have celebrity news! Cheryl Cole. You like Cheryl Cole eh? Think about Cheryl Cole. We know some mildly diverting stuff about her. Think about that. Football. Ah. Football's great. Football football football. Lovely football. Think about football.

Don't, for one minute, think about what goes through our turgid little minds when we sit down and work out how to chisel money out of the sort of random fucking misery that could suddenly descend on you tomorrow. Because it's not you today is it? It's someone else. Today, it didn't happen to you.

Oh look, John Bishop. He's funny. Ho Ho Ho.

When stopped in the street, Barry Cade, 47, told me "This isn't a particularly fucking funny spoof, is it? I mean, is there anything remotely fucking funny about this? Is there one single fucking thing that is in anyway amusing? What, after all, is the point of trying to be a fucking amusing smartarse when this has happened? Eh?"

"I'll probably just buy 'The Sun' and read about it in that. Or see what Sky News has to say about it. Or wait for the News of th.. oh, right."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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