Written by Jean Le Fete

Monday, 4 July 2011


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image for Spoof Bike Race: Dunbeath to Helmsdale! The Treacherous Path!
Helmsdale or Bust

As Seaton, J.O. and Birbee settled in next to their fire, their strange array of transportation did not go unnoticed by neighbouring campers.

"Get a load of the "Scottie Dogs", said Jean Le Fete to Morse and a Catholic Priest they'd picked up hitch hiking.

"Now, now, young fellow, bless-ed are the....Damned short term memory loss! Alz....something or other, terrible, can't remem...something," said Fergus.

"Shit?" asked Morse.

"What?" asked Fergus.

"You can't remember shit," said Morse.

"That's a bit personal young fella, I took one this morning though."

"Never mind," said Morse, "Look Jean, don't go causing no trouble, we don't want to be the Ugly American's over here. Remember we came over here to meet our fellow Spoof Writers from England."

"Oh I know that," said Jean, "But lordie, I just can't resist rubbing in the fact that our bikes are about 200 times superior to the crap they are riding."

And with that Jean left Morse to deal with Fergus and approached the other camp pushing his state of the art Italian Abicci twenty-five speed.

"Excuse me." said Jean.

J.O looked into fire and said nothing, Seaton and Birbee looked up.

"I couldn't help but notice your bikes aren't exactly state of the art," said Jean in what he thought was a converational tone.

Seaton looked at Birbee, then gave Jean the once over, he was wearing designer cyclist clothing by Martha Stewart, goggles, and a Gucci helmet.

"Zounds," was all Seaton had to say.
"Double zounds," said Birbee in a bored tone.
"What the fu.." said J.O.

"I have an Abicci, would you like to take it for a spin?" asked Jean.

"I have an a bitchy at home I've been married to for twenty years," said J.O., Seaton and Birbee broke up laughing.

"Jean this isn't a good idea," said Morse in his ear in a low voice.

"Oh come now Morse, the British are very civilized and proper and were just going to have a conver..."

J.O. pulled a switch blade out and pointed in Jean's general direction, "A conversation?" asked J.O. in a menacing tone, "What the hell have we got here lads? Is this little Yankee trying to school us on bike riding?"

"He was just trying to be friendly," said Morse, "He doesn't socialize well, he mostly sits in a tree writing for The Spoof - U.S."

"The Spoof U.S.?" asked Birbee, "You mean that bleed'n spinoff Mark's been on about!"

"Slash his tires J.O." said Seaton. J.O. started walking towards Jean's bike.

"J.O.?" asked Jean Le Fete, "Wait a minute, don't I know you?"

"You might, you freakin' pud, if you read the Spoof about the British event of Wimbledon, now let me look at this bikie of yours matie," said J.O., "Nope, can't says I fancy it much with air in the tires." With that J.O. plunged his switch blade into the front and rear tires, but they didn't go flat as expected.

"What the fu...k," said J.O.

"Quite a vocab you have there mate," said Jean,"Those are Armadillos, they don't need air."

"Arma-what-o?" asked Seaton.

Jean sighed annoyed with their ignorance, "Armadillos, they are airless tires. Since when is Wimbledon just a British sport?"

"Since Mark said so dip! And while were at it, why the hell do you resemble a freakin'gerbil?" asked Birbee.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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