An Excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons" Part Five
An excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania. Rose Princesses would never have breasts small as hers, far too small for a girl that age, another cause for heartache and some derision. Of course, she knew the boys who were the cream of the crop would not date her at all, unless she put out, and she had put out to a point, loneliness being a terrible thing...
Read full storyRoyal Freak Hospital shrink to probe Vincent Tabak
London - (Bi-Polar): As the Royal Freak Hospital's pre-eminent Professor of Forensick Psychiatry Dr Einstein Flintstone is regarded by peers as at the top of his game. "Ya, but mostly that's Blind Man's Bluff und Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey, haha,...
Read full storyI Resent the Phrase, "We're Pregnant"
I resent the phrase, "we're pregnant." It's like, "We're going to the Super Bowl." Indeed, not: Those who put the uniform and suffer the injuries are the ones who go to the championship game. While we can root them on, and congratulate them on a great win, we are merely invested lookers-on. The father's role in conception is vital, of course, but the process of embryogenesis is one that we...
Read full storyHow To Avoid being Eaten By SHARKS While on Spring Vacation!
GAINESVILLE, FL - This time of year college students start putting away their books and start planning for Spring Vacation, once again only weeks away. This annual rite of passage means making new friends and non-stop partying. And as their parents v...
Read full storyAsshole To Be Elected to Office
2011 is just barely underway, and yet Washington D.C. is already abuzz about the 2012 elections. On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, all U.S. Representative seats and many Senate seats will be up for grabs, along with quite a few governor's races and legis...
Read full storyWhy Mubarak is Giving Up...the real story
President Hosni Mubarak has decided to quit after a visit from Barack Obama's envoy Frank Wisner. What was actually said to make the Egyptian president change his mind? In an exclusive interview with The Vagina Observer we learnt the following from M...
Read full storyGM Mandates Total Recall; Stops Production of Volt After Reports of Hundreds Frozen to Death in Snowbound Cars With Dead Batteries!
There was a slight glitch in the President Obama's commitment to electric cars touted in his recent State of the Union address, as reports are coming in that hundreds of Hybrid car owners have been found frozen to death in massive traffic tie ups fr...
Read full storyCat Sits on Jury
A cat named Sal has been called up for Jury service in Boston, USA. The owners of the cat have pleaded that the animal doesn't understand or speak English but a request to be excused jury service has been denied. This historic event is due to some...
Read full storyFacts of Life
While I've realized that people LOVE to read funny shit, I've also come to the conclusion that they HATE reading a lot more. So here are some short, sweet, straight to the point, Facts of Life: - Is anyone out there still founding new cities? Are you telling me, somewhere in the world there's a Johnsonville Townhip, Founded October 2010? - I hate when people say "Speak of the Devil." So,...
Read full storyPolice Crime Website Poses Problems
A controversial website appears to have been hacked into by cyber criminals. When In Seine News researched the level of crime in the surrounding streets of a pub in Shrewsbury, he found, first of all, that there was no page - which seems to imply...
Read full storyU.K's Cheapest Footballer Sold For Just 13 Pence
With headlines ablaze over the fantastical transfer figures being bandied about this week, Sports Frustrated decided to seek out the U.K's lowest priced footballer. Fernando Torres, once trusted and revered Liverpool team member, now just a big tu...
Read full storyMexico ambassador to London rattled by Top Gear's 'outrageous, vulgar and inexcusable insults'
London - (Madre de Dios!): His Excellency Eduardo Medina-Mora Icazais is mightily pissed. A UK TV show's belittling of the legendary Mexican motor car industry has left him shouldering the nation's hurt. The 30 January broadcast carried some pr...
Read full storyCommander Comrade Dalglish bolsters 'Anfieldgrad'
This is 'Anfieldgrad', filing a NEWS REPORT from the banks of the River Mersey. We, the surrounded loyal defenders of 'Anfieldgrad', issue the following statement from Cmdr Comrade Dalglish; "On January 6th Army of Von Hodgson, whilst suffering the fiercest cold Winter, battle fatigue and desertions, was relieved of his command and I took over the leadership here at Anfieldgrad." "We have b...
Read full storyMotorist avenges self on D.M.V.
An Illinois motorist has walked out, on the D.M.V.'S Drivers Services Facility, leaving behind his drivers license renewal. During an interview, the motorist, who asked only to be identified as a German-American, stated that, for the twelfth time,...
Read full storySnow Expected to Wallop Bermuda Wednesday
Hamilton, BERMUDA - Emergency relief supplies are headed to the island nation of Bermuda in the North Atlantic Ocean as a once-in-a-lifetime blizzard is quickly crossing the United States. The snow that is blanketing a third of the US is expected to...
Read full storyHow to: Sell Rubbish Media (e.g. Books, Films, Music TV Shows)
So, there you are. You are the marketing guy. The higher-ups have given you a month to come up with an advertisement for the product. That's okay, right? WRONG. You've viewed the thing. It is worse than FOX News. How the hell are you gonna sell the damn thing? Suffer no more, as Inhopeless Business Solutions (TM) will help solve your problems. It's literally in the name. Inhopeless. Get it? Bec...
Read full storyTree Bark Diet Guarantees Weight Loss
Two species of trees are known to have edible bark: the Ginkgo biloba, and the Acer pubica, or common exposed maple. Ginkgo is readily available in health food stores and used in various concoctions. Ginkgo is known to promote robust lateral phe...
Read full storyKing of Jordan Fires The Entire Government: "Egypt, Smegypt; Pay Attention To ME!"
The king of Jordan, upset over all the attention Egypt is getting while its citizens call for reform, has dismissed his entire government Tuesday and appointed a new Czar and Prime Minister with orders to implement political reform. American to Engl...
Read full storyLocal Man Breaks Wind, Changes Town's Weather Pattern
Unintentionally saving the small town of Saugus, Massachusetts from the first blizzard of 2011, Barney Funderton, house bound 520 pound man with a love of sausages and cabbage and a propensity for methane production has apparently and single handedly...
Read full storyDr. Drew Passes On Ted Williams For Spinoff Show "Homeless Golden Voice Guy Rehab.
Dr. Drew Pinsky, the "Board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist" who routinely violates the "do no harm" clause of the Hippocratic Oath by exploiting famous f--k-ups on "Celebrity Rehab", has passed on trying to detox homeless, gold...
Read full storyBlow for Viagra
The UK drug company Pfizer's Research and Development sector in Kent is to close with a loss of thousands of jobs in the Government's job expansion programme in the private sector. Viagra, the main drug to emerge from the Research has sagged in pu...
Read full storyPros and Cons: Supervillainy
Nearly every day, someone chooses a life of supervillainy. The reasons are many. Here are the many pros and cons of the choice. PROS: - Don't have to follow law - Can do anything - Makes for interesting fights with Police - Get cool catchphrases CONS: - I hate you. - I hate you. - You're evil. - Did I mention I HATE YOU? - Everyone else will hate you - Good overpowers bad, like wat...
Read full storyReturns on the North West Passage and the price of Bolivian Copper
I have not taken my eyes of the screens all morning. The price of oil is changing by the minute. I have also liquidated my China bonds and suggest you do the same. I have instead invested in Cuba. I'm getting in while it's cheap and recommend a little flutter. I would start with no more then 5.5% a share and stop when it reaches 69 (to avoid the unpleasantness of last time.. I think you know what...
Read full storyHow to: Write a Spoof Story
So, you want to write a spoof story, eh? Finding it hard to come up with something to rival the works of Inhopeless, and of his e-colleagues, like <censored> and <censored> and the former spoofer Censored? Well, this guide will get your hypothetical and proverbial ball rolling: 1) A good headline. Write the blandest, most boring, most ill-worded title ever. You'll get kudos fo...
Read full storyVirgin rail introduce new service
Richard Branson has introduced a new service for his rail company. Rolling out the red carpet at Euston station last night, Mr Branson gathered gave us this statement. "The new service if for passengers travelling to Europe and long haul journe...
Read full storyCarrie Underwood's Cover Version of Tammy Wynette's Big Hit 'D-I-V-O-R-C-E' Goes To #1
NASHVILLE - Country music's version of The Rolling Stone magazine, Yippee Ki Yay Weekly has just announced that Carrie Underwood's cover song of Tammy Wynette's 1968 hit, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" has just reached the top of the country music charts. The so...
Read full storyBoehner: "Smoking Makes Me Cry!"
Majority Leader of the Untied States Congress, John Boehner, appeared on Fox News this past Sunday and was asked by host Chris Wallace about his smoking habit and the fact he seemed to cry quite a bit. Boehner grew red In his face, his mouth quivered as he clenched and un-clenched his hands. He seemed to be having a hard time finding the right words and said, "I cry because I smoke a lot." W...
Read full storyLocal Man Shocked When He Finds Everyone Else His Age is Dead, Or Have Lost Sense of Humour!
Local Man, and sometimes Spoof Writer, Melvin Wordsmithe, well recovered from his walk about in an attempt to find 'good news' to write about, was shocked today when he found out no one else his age still lives or can laugh about the phenomena. Th...
Read full storyWhen Irish Spies Are Smiling
Dublin - (Mata Hari Mess): A KGB scam using Irish ID theft in the Anna Chapman espionage saga has led to the expulsion of a Russian diplomat. Dim-Eatery Rasputin from the legation in Dublin has been ordered back home following the discovery of fra...
Read full storyDenise Richards, Proof God has a Sense of Humor
Following a series or recent reports targeting the trials, tribulations and extreme good times had by one, Mr. Charlie Sheen, former wife and mother of Charlie's two daughters, Denise Richards, has declared that a porn star friend of Mr. Sheen was no...
Read full storyTanja 'as in ganja' or Tania 'as in banya'?
Bristol - (Pedantic): The Bristol Ram pub's clientele worries continue to focus on Vincent Tabak's American girlfriend. Lunchtime chatter overheard today has patrons divided into opposing camps over the pronunciation of Ms Morson's name. "I'm w...
Read full story"Ménage à twat: America and Political Bottom Feeding!"
Le Monde is reporting today on the three women most prominent in American politics these days. Sub-titled: BOP-ing the vote in America, it features biographies of Michele Bachmann, Christine O'Donnell, and Sarah Palin (BOP). "The Americans are alw...
Read full storyEgypt Travel: Foreign Office Advice
The Foreign Office has today issued urgent travel advice to holidaymakers planning a trip to riot ravaged parts of Egypt. Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said "The events taking place in Egypt are truly horrific for words. We have taken the unpr...
Read full storyChelsea Clinton Marriage on "Slippery Slope" as Husband Quits Arranged Marriage to Go Skiing!
Chelsea Clinton is reportedly 'devastated' as news leaked that her husband, hedge fund guru, Marc Mezvinsky, has quit his job, quit his 5th Avenue Apartment, and quit her, fleeing to an upscale western skiing resort known for snow bunny 'Bunga-Bung...
Read full storyHollywood Promise For Katie Price
Shrinking violet Jordan, or Katie Price when she wants to be taken seriously, has just announced she is well on the way to becoming a Hollywood actress. Speaking from the opening of an envelope in Covent Garden Katie said, 'I've been sent hun...
Read full storyCrime hotspots website meltdown as millions key in Blairs' address
London - (Glitches): Connaught Square residents have told of their disgust as a new criminal hotspots website named them the nation's Number One. "Surely we're only the second worst in the country," Dame Dilys Pillpoppa said today, "what with Buck...
Read full storyObama Tackles Housing Crisis in US: Squat to Own!
President Barack Obama has decided to tackle America's Housing Crisis head on by kicking off a blockbuster marketing deal ahead of the impending 2012 elections to insure he regains his base and gets them out to vote! Dubbed "Squat to Own", the pro...
Read full storyRed tops drag Little Maddie into Joanna Yeates funeral
Bristol - (R.I.Pizza): Morning headlines in today's Daily Smearer have confirmed the nation's worst fears. News of 'Our Jo's' parents' alignment with Kate and Gerry McCann has startled many, including lawyers for Vincent Tabak. Readers are gobs...
Read full storySpoof Writer Reunited With Family; Found 3200 Miles Away Two Years after He Went Missing!
There were tears of joy spread today in the little town of Punta Gorda, Florida, as the family of Melvin Wordsmithe are set to gather round him after a remarkable discovery when he was found nearly two years after going missing from the family's bac...
Read full storyReality TV Programme Actually Has A Result
It was champagne all round at Channel 4 Headquarters this week as one of their reality programmes actually served a purpose and someone actually purchased something. Dave and Angela,a lovely couple from Dorset, second marriages both of them and no kids,had quite a lot of money to spend on their dream home in the sun. What normally happens on these programmes is we sit and watch as the lovely...
Read full story'These fees are crazy' FA
The closing of the transfer window just after the fees for some footballers have risen to £50 million or more, has caused the organisation Fall About to react with derision. 'How much do you get for a dive?' asked one FA member 'when I saw one foo...
Read full storyCher Lloyd 'Mobbed' At Airport: Dial-A-Crowd Get Out Of Hand
Cher Lloyd, the loathsome stick insect from ITV's The X-Factor and Cheryl Cole-Tweedy's clone, was mobbed at Heathrow airport yesterday, when 'fans' went wild. The 'singer' had been in L.A for a few weeks, shopping, and pretending to be important,...
Read full storyCrash Horror in Crime Wave
The interactive website providing street by street information on CRIME IN YOUR AREA has crashed after a chase through the streets of Birmingham. Police are not saying how many people have been injured or killed in the crash but ambulances from ot...
Read full storyAndy Caroll joins Liverpool, told to get a hair cut
Andy Carroll, the hero of Tyneside is set to become the hero of Merseyside, but only if he gets a hair cut. "It was bad enough that Torres used to wear a headband," said lifelong Liverpool fan and Newcastle boss, Alan Pardew. "But Andy wears a scr...
Read full storyTina Turner Rocks Egypt
The next concert date for Tina Turner is Feb. 4, 2011. Not so weird for a 77-year-old foxy rocker 'rollin down the river'. The venue however is pretty unusual - it's at the Pyramids and its sponsored by Hosni Mubarak. Appearing with Tin...
Read full storyJustin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato Ride The Fastest Roller Coaster In The World Hitting Speeds of Up To 285 MPH!
LAKE CHARLES, Louisiana - Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato, who was just recently released from a rehab clinic after a three month stay, were invited by the CEO of the South's newest and biggest amusement theme park to attend the opening...
Read full storyHollywood's First and Only Gay Motorcycle Gang, 'The Hells Tinkerbelles' Is Forced To Disband Under California's New 'Don't Ask Cause We Can Already Tell' Rule
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Southern California the land of earthquakes, mudslides, The Dodgers, Santa Ana Winds, wildfires, smog, the Lakers, wine, Miley Cyrus, and sprayed on tans has added another notch to its Gucci belt. The Los(t) Angeles Watchdog Witn...
Read full storyOld Boomer Hit Parade: Bye Bye Youth
Bye Bye Youth (Sung to Bye Bye Love) Yet another oldie to tap your toes to, whether you're rockin' to the oldies in your favorite rockin' chair or buzzin' past the nurses in your brand spankin' new mobility scooter. Who better to parody than the Everly Brothers, who are still alive to sing along to this one. Bye bye youth, Bye bye agility, Hello senility, I think I'm a gonna cry-y. By...
Read full storyArkansas Town Overrun by Poop-Slinging Monkeys
Just when Arkansans thought it was safe to go outdoors after surviving one of the worst bird die-offs in recent history, comes news out of Beebe, Arkansas that hordes of poop-slinging monkeys have been terrorizing whole neighborhoods. "I just cain...
Read full storyRichard Simmons' Tweet Causes Massive Crimewave
Richard Simmons singlehandedly caused a spike in vending machine theft when he tweeted a Wall Street Journal article about recession-fueled vandalism. The article focused on hi-tech crime prevention techniques, but may end up causing more thefts...
Read full storyTeabagging - What's That All About?
Skoob News, despite being under the radar these days, has found out what teabagging means! And to be frank - it's a little bit of a shocker... Why do people insist on describing weird practices with everyday type names? Here at Skoob News, we t...
Read full storyRepublicans and Democrats hold a Beer-partisan Meeting at the White House
Washington DC: A bipartisan meeting of Republican and Democratic lawmakers occurred in the Oval Office today. President Obama wanted to take advantage of the new "era of good feeling" and compromise exhibited by the mixed seating arrangements during...
Read full storySpoofer Told to Stop Being So 'Serious' On Site
BIRMINGHAM - Inhopeless, a spoofer, was told to 'chillax'. The spoofer had written some self-critical and experimental work that was just wierd. He has also wrote about Price Wars, and the declining standards of movies in the future. "The gu...
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