Police Crime Website Poses Problems

Funny story written by IN SEINE

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


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The police are no longer in their offices - they are on the streets!

A controversial website appears to have been hacked into by cyber criminals.

When In Seine News researched the level of crime in the surrounding streets of a pub in Shrewsbury, he found, first of all, that there was no page - which seems to imply that there were no crimes committed. He knew very well that there were alcohol-fuelled fights in these streets to which police were called on most nights of the week. Also 3 of the regulars had been burgled the week before.

On a second attempt, to gain access to the website an entirely different picture emerged; it showed that 8 people in the same street were caught for motoring offences (4 for speeding, 1 for driving while banned, 1 for driving with no tax and 1 for curb-crawling.) There were 2 people found urinating in a public place. 2 people were found to be carrying knives, whilst 2 more were found to be 'looking daggers' at each other.

5 people were caught sending indecent images over the Internet, 1 person was discovered selling stolen goods on eBay, whilst 3 more criminals were discovered using Google Earth to look for Stately Homes and Churches of the area for lead-flashing on their roofs. An alarming number of young people were found to be in breach of their ASBOs - of those 75 awarded to that particular street, 31 were engaged in under-age sex, 4 were dealing in drugs, 2 were arsonists, 6 people had not returned their library books on time and therefore incurred a penalty, a further dozen young people were discovered buying cigarettes and alcohol underage. The remaining 20 were all members of 2 gangs who were involved in a turf war.

A total of 72 people were working whilst claiming benefits. There were 5 prostitutes in the street on a regular basis and that includes 2 males!

"My oh my, haven't the police been busy?" This is just a snapshot of 3 roads in Great Britain - the problem is that these roads only contain a total of 125 houses and represent the coverage of 0.08 policemen. Somehow the figures just don't add up! It would appear that everyone is a criminal!

Finally, our investigator typed in the postcode of the Houses of Parliament in Westminster. His comment: "This venue should not be called the House of Commons, it should be renamed the House of Problems"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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