Written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for Local Man Breaks Wind, Changes Town's Weather Pattern
Funderton's hilltop home, west of Saugus, MA.

Unintentionally saving the small town of Saugus, Massachusetts from the first blizzard of 2011, Barney Funderton, house bound 520 pound man with a love of sausages and cabbage and a propensity for methane production has apparently and single handedly shifted the snow storm up and away from his town.

The effect initially captured on Doppler radar from nearby Boston Logan Airport, a very small but powerful high pressure system had formed around the hilltop just west of the town of Saugus. Innocuous as the phenomenon was at first glance, M.I.T. meteorologists took an immediate interest given the hard shifting of snow patterns and winds around that hill and away from the town. Further satellite imaging showed the anomaly was centered on a single house owned by quarter-ton gas factory, Funderton.

Professor Hayman Yawanta from M.I.T. says that this was a unique meteorological event. "Yes indeed, this was a unique meteorological event". Expanding further to give reporters something other that what they already knew, Yawanta indicated that the weather shift was due most likely to Funderton's bowels.

"We knew from laboratory studies that a sudden influx of lighter and warmer gas rising upwards, could actually disrupt the prevailing westerly flow of weather patterns. We just never expected that to be accomplished by one man", said Yawanta. "Then again, you would have to meet Mr. Funderton".

Assisting the professor in further testing, Funderton agreed to continue his normal gas production while lighting his flatulent with a disposable cigarette lighter. Doppler Radar confirmed that the weather shifting effect is enhanced with an increase in exhausted gas temperature. "Funderton's ass gas is quite a marvel", says Yawanta.

In a related story, Saugus city officials are planning to offer Funderton employment to help influence other unwanted weather. It was still unknown however if the cost of Bratwurst, cabbage, onions and beer to fuel Funderton's bowels were indeed less than the cost of salt and snow removal equipment, but Yawanta expects Funderton's fanny to win out in the end.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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