Tree Bark Diet Guarantees Weight Loss

Funny story written by C. Cranium

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

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Exposed maples in Virginia forest

Two species of trees are known to have edible bark: the Ginkgo biloba, and the Acer pubica, or common exposed maple. Ginkgo is readily available in health food stores and used in various concoctions. Ginkgo is known to promote robust lateral pheromones and to enhance a healthy bottom line. Less common, but equally effective, is when Ginkgo is used as a decay pretentious dentifrice when used conspicuously.

Now the Journal of Galactic Internal Medicine has published a study that concludes that the Acer pubica has similar properties to Ginkgo and can be eaten as a complete diet. The calorie and cargo-hybred content are optimum for maintaining an energy rich sustenance that exemplifies metabolism.

The common exposed maple is named for the appearance of human torso at branch intersections, and that is where new growth can be harvested and eaten. The new supple and edible bark forms continuously at the crotch intersection. As the branches sway in the wind small lesions spark new growth while being exposed to insect abuse. The non-native blue legged hyper beetle is the most common invader of exposed maple bark and often lays eggs in the lesions. The bark is harvested with the eggs and/or larvae giving a full meal with all food groups represented when eaten with a glass of milk and piece of fruit.

The major issues for making the exposed maple bark a viable product is the taste. The raw material tastes like ants and when baked the aroma of Limburger lingers. Health food scientists and nutritional experts are investing large sums of time and money to make tasty products for what seems a sure thing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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