Tonight's Highlights On The Cretin Channel
19:00 Emmerdale HMS Cumberland crashes into The Woolpack on its way to the scrapyard. Marlon is mistaken for a deranged escaped marionette and captured by a circus. Paddy gets his arm stuck up a cow at Skipthwaite Show and is unable to perform his wierd arm movements. Panic at the Farm Shop when they almost get a customer. Jimmy looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Long lost cousin Mel...
Read full storyHow Fergie got conned by The Trillion Dollar Conman
The Trillion Dollar Conman has struck again and this time he has chosen a national treasure as his victim. This target was quite a challenge to the conman because he had heard on the footballing grapevine that this particular character had never kno...
Read full storyAlternative to Voting
The Alternative to Voting campaign is getting up steam and making major inroads into the electorate. The simple message is that the alternative to voting is NOT TO VOTE! Currently the opinion polls are showing the Don't Vote campaign is in the lea...
Read full storyShock , Dismay & Anguish in Hollywood as Suri Holmes Tweets: "Help, I've Fallen & Can't Get Up!"
Paramedics rushed to the Californian Mansion of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes today after a panicked plea from Suri Holmes was picked up by one of her FaceBook friends on her social networking site. "Help, I've fallen whilst trying to get to the loo...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Reveals She Has Developed An "X-Rated Crush" On Her 'Dancing With The Stars' Dance Partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy
HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars contestant Kirstie Alley who until recently was tilting the weight scales at an astounding 409 pounds has confessed that she is falling head-over-heels for her dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, of Russia who is kn...
Read full storySouth African man eaten by crocodiles and they weren't even hungry!
A depressed South African man thought he would do some crocodiles a favour as he waded into their habitat, a crocodile infested river, hoping that they were hungry enough because he had had enough of living. The man could have jumped off of a tall...
Read full storyCondom Manufacturers pledge support to Belusconi's bid for Christiano Ronaldo!
AC Milan president Silvio Berlusconi's bid to sign Christiano Ronaldo has been handed a major boost by local condom manufacturers and distributors. Berlusconi last week said that he was determined to bring the Real Madrid ace to San Siro to add q...
Read full storyNew Bible code clue says Queen's Last Supper this Wednesday
London - Bible cryptographers have found new evidence pointing to Queen Elizabeth eating her very last Beluga caviar canapé this Wednesday. A passage in the Gospel According to Fluke says she's likely to croak it on the night ahead of her 85th bir...
Read full storyVP Biden Nods Off During Hearing Concerning Air Traffic Controllers Sleeping on Job!
Vice President Joe Biden, often accused of being asleep at the switch himself , said there was no excuse for the recent spate of potentially dangerous incidents of Airport Controllers leaving their panels for a snooze or a quickie and blamed Ronald R...
Read full storyHotel Bans Staff From Speaking Welsh
A popular hotel on the island of Anglesey has banned staff from speaking Welsh on health and safety grounds. The management at the Carreg Mon hotel near Llanfairpwll has instructed all staff to speak only English within the grounds of the hotel or...
Read full storyTaj Mahal royal honeymoon is doomed warns Aishwarya Rai
Mumbai - Rumors that Kate and William are heading to India on honeymoon have been met with horror among Bollywood's astro-savvy elite. "By all means take Kate on the ganja trail to Goa," Aishwarya Rai commented, "maybe even Kathmandu for the hashi...
Read full storyVindaloo Eater Murdered in Street Brawl
London: A number of people have been arrested at a Hare Krishna restaurant late last night in connection with the murder of an innocent bystander who was set upon by diners in what appears to have been an unprovoked attack. One witness, a girl, s...
Read full storyCity On Course To Rule The World
The city of Manchester is beginning to calm down now, following City's momentous victory over their illustrious neighbours, United, at Wembley in Saturday's FA Cup semi-final. City fans woke this morning to a new horizon, and the very real possibi...
Read full storyArsenal Cheated
Arsenal were cheated. That's the opinion of thousands of Arsenal fans after yesterday's infuriating 1-1 draw with Liverpool at the Emirates, where both goals came during the period of added time at the end of the game. Match referee Andre Marri...
Read full storyNick Clegg confuses everyone over AV at political rally
The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has totally confused everyone at a rally in Basingstoke over AV. He turned up at the Fanny Craddock Memorial Hall in the town with a Canon RE-350 Video Visualiser AV Presenter and a video on pigeons which he...
Read full storyIron Age War Grave Sealed Off By Police
Police in Derbyshire have sealed off an area after a burial site containing the skeletons killed in what appears to have been a massacre was found by archaeologists digging for trinkets. The burial site contained only the bones of women and childr...
Read full storyEgypt Dissolves Mubarak's Party
The protest movement in Egypt that brought about the downfall of long time dictator Hosni Mubarak was celebrating today with the news that the President's former ruling party had been officially dissolved. Following last week's court order confirm...
Read full storyNATO Accuses Gaddafi Of Using Dirty Bombs
NATO has issued a strong condemnation of Libya's Colonel Gaddafi's use of bombs and weapons intended to cause death and injury amongst his own people. Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen has accused the Libyan leader of "using underhand tactic...
Read full storyChanges To Royal Succession On The Cards
A Cabinet spokesman has announced that changes to the laws on succession are being investigated. The Act of Succession, which has been in place since 1701, prevents any Roman Catholic or any female, from succeeding to the throne of the United King...
Read full storyPornstar Suffers Injury On Film Set!
A serious accident occurred yesterday on the set of an adult movie starring Dick Ramrod, one of the most popular hunks in the porn world. Unbeknownst to his fans, Dick has had a private problem for several years which until today anyway, he's be...
Read full storyAn "Erotically Bare Skinned" Lady Gaga Caught Soaking Up Some Sun Rays In Honolulu, Hawaii
HONOLULU, Hawaii - The infamous singer known as Lady Gaga was photographed on the beautiful Honolulu beach while sunbathing totally naked. It has not really been a very good year for Lady Gaga. She recently took quite a fall as she fell off her pi...
Read full story100 Years of Telemarketing Crap
As you dash out of the shower soaking wet to pick up the phone, hoping it will be a phone call from your boyfriend, who you had been waiting for by the phone all day, is indeed another prince charming awaiting your presence, Mr Telemarketer. But at the same time he awaits every person living in your district. "Hello," an Indian voice greets you, "I am from the Australian Telstra Company. I und...
Read full storyCharles Barkley Says That The Rumors About His Involvement In A Menage-A-Trois With Cloris Leachman and Richard Simmons Are Not True
TUSCALOOSA, Alabama - Charles Barkley, aka "The Round Mound of Rebound," was in Tuscaloosa visiting his old high school English teacher LaFeesha LaSamba Washington. According to published reports 48-year-old Charles or "Snuggle Bunny" as he was kn...
Read full storyRespected Film Professor Fired, Students Claim, "He Made Us Watch Old Stuff!"
Los Angeles, CA - Professor Leon Brensky, a well-known professor at the University of Southern California Film School has been fired after students claimed he forced them to watch hundreds of movies from the 1960's. One student, known only...
Read full storyTime Warner agrees to acquire Orkut
Time Warner Inc. said yesterday that it had agreed to acquire Orkut in a stock deal valued at $5.0 billion, giving Myspace a close rival for the title of the nation's largest operator of social networks. The move is the latest in an aggressive so...
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