Tonight's Highlights On The Cretin Channel

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Monday, 18 April 2011


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The Testcard Was Better: A Television Of Yesteryear Yesterday

19:00 Emmerdale
HMS Cumberland crashes into The Woolpack on its way to the scrapyard. Marlon is mistaken for a deranged escaped marionette and captured by a circus. Paddy gets his arm stuck up a cow at Skipthwaite Show and is unable to perform his wierd arm movements. Panic at the Farm Shop when they almost get a customer. Jimmy looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Long lost cousin Melchizedek Dingle turns up. Zak has an operation to remove his cap. Nobody does anything at the chocolate factory and Aaron acts like a sulky cunt at the garage, where they all stand around arguing with their clean overalls rolled down all day. The mystery of Melchizedek Dingle deepens: why does anybody watch this shite?

20:00 Eastenders
Dot is rushed to hospital with nicotine poisoning and Ricky looks stupid. Meanwhile, Phil whispers something about a geezer and a lock-up while setting fire to Pat Butcher. A blonde bimbo drowns in her own make-up at The Vic. The refuse collectors mistake Ian Beale for a bag of shite.

20:30 Coronation Street
Kevin wins Gormless Twat of The Year 1932. Jim is arrested, so he is, for Offences Against Comic Irishmen With Chips On Their Shoulders, so he is. Ken, with all the charisma of a bar of lard, bores himself to death while Dierdre looks even more like a strangled turkey. Steve wins Widow's Peak of The Year 1976 and Norris lands a new job as the pink hippo in Rainbow. Rita's hair colouring is visible from space. Dev is a posturing, oily old ham.

21:00 Heston Blumenthal Entertains
The culinary genius treats guests Stephen Fry, Giles Coren and John Sergeant to dog saliva soup, haddock's blood ice cream and mutton crumble, all washed down with a selection of freshwater fish cordials. Finally, they all gather around a shrine and worship Heston's ego.

21:30 River Cottage Claptrap
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall welcomes in Spring at River Cottage by slaughtering a lamb, cooking devilled eels in slurry and sodomising himself while his French wife drinks nettle wine and fellates the local morris dancing troupe.

22:00 Britain's Got Talent Highlights
Will the dancing alpaca get through? Can the Amphibious Shove Ha'penny-playing Lollipop Ladies from Cirencester make the grade? Our money would be on Sally 69 The Masturbating Contortionist, if she hadn't been banned. Meanwhile, the scaffolding's up but the builders haven't started on The Hoff's rendering yet: get a move on guys!

22:30 The News
The world thrown at us in idiot-proof chunks.

23:00 The Secrets Of Livingstone's Braces
Fresh from his adventure to Captain Scott's hut, Ben Fogle travels to Central Africa, where the Bungolulu tribe keep David Livingstone's braces in a shrine. As Fogle observes: "I think Livingstone would be amused and humbled to know that his braces are cherished. It bears witness to the kind of man he was. A man who wore braces even in the teeth of the African winter."

23:30 CSI: YOY

00:30 Why Are Religious Programmes Being Marginalised?
Ann Widdecombe talks to a cardboard cutout of the Archbishop of Canterbury about the increasing trend to shove religious debates to the end of the daily TV schedules.

01:00 Pygmy Basketball From The Congo
The Kngakwa-Gbungwi v The Bgna-Gnbgugbni in the Henry Morton Stanley Trophy.

02:00 Body Trouble
A woman with a hairy tongue and a man with a scaly arse and flatulence. (rpt.)

03:00 How To Look Like A Fat Bastard
Ludicrous mincing queen Gok Wan lies to ugly women about their repulsive bodies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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