Torres Chelsea Nightmare Continues - Still Firing Blanks - Viagra Advised
Another night at the office for £50 million out of sorts Chelsea striker, Fernando Torres. Another disaster. This time the office was Old Trafford in the Champions League quarter final, second leg, which saw the Spaniard substituted at half time as h...
Read full storyHMS Ark Royal lost in the Post
Further embarrassment has been heaped on the Royal Mail today, when it emerged that the historic aircraft carrier, HMS Ark Royal, had been lost in the post. The retired former aircraft carrier had been listed for sale on the auction website, Ebay...
Read full storyAshley Cole And John Terry Spotted Laughing After Champions League Disaster
An independent witness claimed last night to have seen Chelsea and England stars Ashley Cole and John Terry laughing as they boarded the team bus at Old Trafford following their team's season ending defeat in the Champions League quarter final second...
Read full storyChicharito Leaves Chelsea In Tatters
Chelsea's season ended ignominiously here at Old Trafford tonight, at the precise moment that Javier Hernandez, aka Chicharito pounced onto a Ryan Giggs cross to score as half-time loomed in the Champions League quarter final second leg. That goal...
Read full storyConcrete Evidence for Noah's Ark on Ararat
ANKARA, Turkey (BS) - American explorers searching through the presumed wreckage of Noah's ark report finding large mounds of coprolites. This discovery is hailed as concrete evidence supporting the biblical account of creation. The book of Genesi...
Read full storyBangkok Bus Fares To Rise For Seventh Decade On The Trot!
Bus fares in the Thai capital of Bangkok are set to rise for the seventh decade running, according to an ungrateful woman sitting near me on the 515 this morning. FORMULA 1 Fares in the city are astronomically low compared with anywhere else on...
Read full storyAbramovich to sell Chelsea if they lose to Man Utd!
Roman Abramovich has promised to burn all his bridges across the Thames if Chelsea get the "blues" and are blown away by the awesome "Red Army" tonight in Manchester. Roman has invested millions and wasted millions on his favourite toy and failed...
Read full storyChurch of the Anarchist closes its doors for the last time
The UK's first, last and only Church of the Anarchist, is closing its doors after being open for just one month. "We were meant to be the Church of the Antichrist," sighed founder, Bill Garcon. "The sign-writer couldn't read my handwriting though.
Read full storyMother Furious As Toddler Necks Margarita Mix At Restaurant
A toddler is recovering after being served a margarita instead of apple juice at a popular restaurant. 15-month-old Dominic Dill-Reese began saying 'hi' and talking to the walls after taking a sip from his cup at the Detroit eaterie. Said his...
Read full storyMotorists "Delusional" Claim Engineers
A third of motorists are happy with the state of Britain's roads, a survey has revealed. The figure of 32 per cent is down from 64 per cent who were happy with the roads when the survey began in 2008. Carried out by the Institute of Civil Engin...
Read full storyGillian Duffy slams feckless Libyan Democrat Nick Clegg
Rochdale - The 66 year-old humbug debunker buttonholed Clegg during a trip to Lancashire today where he was auditioning in a Herman Munster lookalike competition. She asked him why he'd let ex-Gaddafi Foreign Minister Moussa Koussa off the hook ju...
Read full storyBizarre head 'n shoulders images of Simon Milton RIP appear in UK red tops
London - Weirdly photochopped pics of Boris Johnson aide Sir Simon 'Paradise Lost' Milton have appeared in British tabloids. The ex-Westmonster Council CEO died suddenly yesterday 'with the Mayor of London at his bedside' according to Daily Smeare...
Read full storyTrump: "The Cleveland Indians (9-0) Are Really NY Yankees in Disguise!"
Donald Trump appearing on The View last week mocked the Cleveland Indians saying that he had investigated them thoroughly after their amazing start this year and found they were actually NY Yankees players in disguise. When challenged by Whoopie Goldberg, he said "I've spent a lot of money on this, believe me the entire thing is a fraud. These people in Cleveland have seen the movie, Field of...
Read full storyLots of bogus nuptials involve foreign hired slags says Archbishop of Canterbury
London - A number of so-called members of the royal family may be involved in sham marriages the Archbishop of Canterbury has warned. A Church of England crackdown on sham royal weddings has deplored the use of non-British slappers 'during the nat...
Read full storyFat Birds - Have They Got It Right?
Overweight females - they're horrible, aren't they? Flabby, unkempt, stinking and sweaty armpits, sagging breasts and with puffed-up faces like hamsters with a stuffed pouch, just some of the undesirable attributes a fat bird can claim as her own, as she sidles along through her sad life munching Mars Bars as if they were going out of fashion. But wait just a minute. Before we go judging these...
Read full storyHuge Royal Wedding Street Party given the go ahead
Despite the best intentions of jobsworths in councils up and down the land to thwart the good intentions of people to hold local street parties in celebration of the Royal Wedding, the residents of Dartford have won their appeal to hold their street...
Read full storyCameron Says it in Black and White
Prime Minister David Cameron, in his capacity as First Lord of the Treasury, criticised Oxford University for only admitting one black student in the last academic year. It was gently pointed out to the PM that one student from the Caribbean had b...
Read full storyDavid Cameron Urges UK to Have A Party On Wedding Day
The Prime Minister wants Britons to celebrate the Royal Wedding with bunting and street parties. But it has emerged that it is the skills of an assistant that have enabled his opinions to be made public. He is reported to be urging people to fi...
Read full storyKirstie "Bad Luck" Alley Has A 'Footwear Malfunction' And Loses Her Left Dancing Shoe On 'Dancing With The Stars'
HOLLYWOOD - In the twelve seasons that Dancing With The Stars has been on the air there has never been a celebrity dancer who has had the bad luck that Kirstie Alley is experiencing so far this year. Last week her partner Maksim "The Ukrainian Kid...
Read full storyWelsh Tories Will Ring Fence NHS Savings
The Welsh Conservatives have pledged to ring fence any savings made from the NHS budget. Nick Bourne, leader of the Conservatives in Wales, made this surprising but firm commitment in a Radio Wales Phone-In on Thursday. That's the good news.
Read full storyCher to award Nobel prize to Fukushima reactor managers
Fukushima - According to my source, Cher's hairdresser, Cher is traveling to Japan now to award the Cher Nobel prize to the Fukushima management team. The prize goes to the nuclear accident of greatest proportion and drama, and is only awarded whe...
Read full storyBougherra Rejects New Rangers Deal
Rangers' international defender Madjid Bougherra may be leaving the club at the end of the season after turning down a new deal. The Algerian, who was signed from Charlton Athletic in 2008 and has a year left on his contract, is keen to leave befo...
Read full storyFrance Impose Ban On Smiling in Public
A woman in the South of France has been detained by police after being caught smiling in a Marseilles street. France is the first country to pass legislation prohibiting anyone from "facially expressing positive thoughts" in public. The Frenc...
Read full storyDoerr Wins Short Story Award
Short fiction writer Anthony Doerr has won this year's Sunday Times Short Story award for his latest offering, The Deep. The American, who recently won the Sory Prize in the USA, beat off a host of strong competitors to win the £30,00 prize, whic...
Read full storyWilliam Hung Caught Caressing Jesse James' Fiancée Kat Von D's "Sweater Dandies" At Grauman's Chinese Theater
HOLLYWOOD - William Hung who appeared on season three of American Idol was recently caught in an uncompromising position at the famed Grauman's Chinese Theater with the fiancée of the ex-Mr. Sandra Bullock, Jesse James. Hung, who originally change...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann Said "Something" Intelligent
An inside source on Capital Hill claims that during the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Michele Bachman said "something" intelligent. There is no word on exactly what she said and apparently both members of her own staff, and members...
Read full storyAmerican Public Realise Obama Actually Only Reasonable Option for 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a recent poll, Americans have conceded that Obama is 'most okay-ish' for winning the 2012 Election. "I mean, the Republicans don't have ANYONE," said Dr. Robert, a political scientist, "Even Newt whatshisname is depressed...
Read full storyJapanese Nuclear Crisis Has Spawned Godzilla
Tomoyuki Tanaka, the creator of Godzilla, was apparently predicting the future in his landmark film. It has been reported that a pet iguana whom resided in a nuclear power plant office, and ironically was named "Gojira" after the iconic movie monster...
Read full storyKate Middleton, Sarah Ferguson, and Winnie Figgyfurst Attend An Amy Winehouse Concert In Liverpool
LIVERPOOL - Three of England's most well known women recently flew to Liverpool, to attend an Amy Winehouse concert. Kate Middleton, Sarah Ferguson, and Winnie Figgyfurst had a grand old time as they sat in the first row at Liverpool's famed St. B...
Read full storyMark Ballas of Dancing With The Stars Lifts Up Pia Toscano's Spirits By Taking Her Out To Dinner And Then Dancing
HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars Mark Ballas last year placed third along with his partner the fantastically 'non-gifted' dancing diva daughter of the great Alaskan huntress Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin. And this year Ballas has a shot to again ma...
Read full storyThe View's Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg Nearly Come To "Blows" Over Their Marijuana Issue
LOS ANGELES - The head host of The View Barbara Walters, 81, is literally fit to be tied after getting into an argument with co-host Whoopi Goldberg over the question of marijuana. Goldberg, 55, has stated that there is nothing wrong with pot and...
Read full storyThe Royal Family Announces That 'Kiss Me Kate' Beer Will Be The Only Beer Available At The Royal Wedding Reception
LONDON - Representatives for the Royal Family have announced that the only brand of beer which will be available at the Royal Wedding Reception will be the newly developed beer Kiss Me Kate. The beer was developed in honor of Kate Middleton who on...
Read full storyPointy Ears Is Latest Plastic Surgery Craze; Star Trek's Mr. Spock Furious
Step right up to the operating table and get your pointy ears. Yep, that's right. Forget about big boobs or a perfect nose. It's elf ears that people are demanding these days. Mr. Spock isn't happy about it. Not at all. "These folks are a...
Read full storySpoof Newz for Kidz! (EDITION TWO)
Hello! This is the Spoof Newz for Kidz! I'm Inhopeless's niece, Eloise, aged 9 and a half. Inhopeless says that I'm really clever for counting to a half, and he says that I can write this. Goody gumdrops! I love writing! I got sticker for writing about chocolate cake in school. Miss loved it. The 'z' makes it all cooler. Here are the news stories that the mean, mean grown-ups won't tell you.
Read full storyExercise Found to Be Most Useless Skill in World of Work
LONDON - A study of over 3000 employees and workplaces found out that, out all the lessons on the UK education curriculum, P.E./Games ranks last in importance. "What will it do for me?" said Dr. Castel, who paused to work out the cosine of 0.34 in...
Read full storyTea Party to Team Up With Al-Qaeda in Bakery Shop Ownership
NEW YORK - In Harlem is an new shopfront selling cakes, cookies and the odd doughnut. What makes it different is the people who run it. The Tea Party and Al-Qaeda have funding shortfalls - and due to low public approval rates, have not been able t...
Read full storyObama Motors Now Facing Massive Recalls and Class Action Suits as Steering Wheels Start Falling Off...in Traffic!
Things are continuing to unravel in Obama Land as Government Motors (GM) was forced to announce another massive recall after a steering wheel came off one of their budget model cars built by a member of the United Auto Workers Union who couldn't be...
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