Written by Ellie James

Sunday, 10 April 2011

image for Helicopter hunters to kill feral pigs around Fort Worth
Feral Hogs humping at Founders Park

There are roughly 1.5 million feral hogs in the Lone Star state. Feral hogs prey on livestock, knock down fences and crap all over crops. Many Texans are fed up with the destructive beasts that are descended from hogs that were brought over by Spanish explorers. Feral pigs are omnivorous and have even been known to eat joggers, mall walkers, construction crews and street musicians.

It's no surprise then that hunters, homeowners and tourists alike are excited that a bill in favor of hunting feral pigs from helicopters is working its way through the Texas House of Representatives. Representative Sid Miller (R- Stephenville) authored the bill and has publicly stated that he is tired of seeing them outside his favorite Starbucks. Feral pigs can be found throughout the state and are encroaching upon Historic Fairmont in Fort Worth, and Sundance Square in downtown Fort Worth. People have reported that Sundance Square security officers as well as the Fort Worth Police Department feral hogs have been chasing police officers patrolling on their bicycles.

Local spray paint artists have suffered greatly as well. Artist John Thomas Kemp recalled the following encounter, "I was just sitting there spray painting this futuristic piece of flying pyramids when I looked up and saw a pig staring at me. At first I thought I was high so I kept spray painting. Then all of a sudden, this bicycle cop pulled me out of the way and started shooting. He saved my life. I feel bad I accidently painted his bike when he tackled me. Mr. Kemp has tried setting up his business inside the Movie Tavern on West 7th, but people have been complaining of fumes. "Business has suffered. No one at the Movie Tavern wants to watch me paint shit. They just want to watch movies. Fucking hogs!"

Kara Fugimoto, a long time Fairmont resident and president of the Near South Side Vegan society, was opposed to the shooting of feral pigs in her neighborhood. She changed her mind though after the feral pigs killed all the feral cats on her block that were keeping the feral rats in check. "I miss the feral cats. They could climb. But these pigs? What good are they really? I look forward to the SWAT team or whoever hanging out from helicopters shooting the pigs. I mean, we can't even walk our dogs anymore!"

Feral pigs were recently sighted near Cowboy Stadium. Rumors have spread that they have hired retired Texas Rangers to patrol the grounds in order to protect those who work and attend events at Cowboy Stadium. When asked, Jerry Jones had no comment. A source who has asked to remain anonymous said that the Dallas Cowboys were doing everything to protect the stadium, and that did include hiring some Texas Rangers. "Not the police men like Chuck Norris in Walker Texas Ranger, no. The baseball players. They live just down the street, and they have bats."

Not everyone is for killing the hogs though. Jonah Burns, Vice President of the Near South Side Vegan society as well as Judith Gains, PETA member, are organizing protests to protect the hogs. They plan a rally that will coincide with the start of feral hog hunting season which is July 4th.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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