How Come No One Wants To Hear My Bitter Rants? A Charlie Sheen-Related Editorial

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Sunday, 10 April 2011


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The following is a special editorial by Verle Bunsen, Jr., an aluminum de-burring inspector at the Vectron factory in Elyria, Ohio.

How come no one wants to hear my bitter rants? This Charlie Sheen guy, every time he opens his mouth a crazy rambling rant comes out, and they run it on the news every time. His clips get up to ten million hits on You Tube. Audiences are lining up to see his Torpedo of Truth tour. Me, I've been rantin' for years, just ask the guys down at the plant. Don't you think it's time they put me on TV?

It seems Americans can't get enough of a middle-aged has been unloadin' on everybody and everything in sight. Well, here I am.

I can do rants better than him. Why won't they put me on the news. I've called the networks, they just hang up on me. Is the problem that I'm not good lookin' enough? I can lose a few pounds, I'll even buy a hairpiece.

His biggest controversy came when he started puttin' down Two and a Half Men, his own TV comedy show. He called it drivel. Shit, that's nothin'. You want me to put down a TV show. How about ALF? You know, the hilarious wisecracking alien that was always eatin' the family cat? Well, let me tell you something-he was a faggot. No kiddin', I saw him on 34th Street givin' a hand job to a bum. You know what else sucks? The Big Bang Theory. I've never did understand a thing those kids said. Take that, America! Am I tellin' the truth here or what? Can you handle it? Also anything on the Home and Garden Channel. I've got no problem with broads on the TV, but they better be takin' it off, you know what I mean?

Charlie Sheen got into trouble for calling Chuck Lorre, the creator of his show, by his Hebrew name, which was Hymie or something. People said it was anti-Semitic. That's no problem. If people want to hear racist stuff, I've got a great joke about a Jew who sells a used toilet to a Pollack. It's hilarious, I tell you.

Just give me a chance, I'll make your news shows better. Charlie Sheen, he's got problem with women? You think that's interesting? No problem. I've got a daughter won't even talk to me, after what I did to her.

Okay, maybe I'm not as handsome as Charlie Sheen. But I'll do it for half what he gets. I'll even take over his role on Two and a Half Men, no big deal. I'll get hooked on crack too, if that's what the people want. I aint gonna call myself a warlock though. That witchcraft shit is against my religion.

Seriously, how come the phone aint ringin'?

Could it be I've got it all wrong? Could it be his popularity has nothing to do with what he says? Could it be that we just react to whatever the media throws at us, like dumb puppets dancing to the music of some morbid, sinister carnival controlled by forces that we cannot see? Nah, it couldn't be that.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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