Irish golfing sensation Rory McIlroy is hovering on the brink of winning the US Masters open golf championship, in Augusta, Georgia, baffling the world on the grounds that the British are usually totally crap when it comes to genteel, refined sports.
Spanish golfing legend, Seve Ballasteros attributes McIlroy's success to the fact that he may be distantly related to former Manchester United footballing legend, Sammy McIlroy, who played in the team that denied Liverpool the treble in 1977 by winning the FA Cup, thus not conforming to British sporting stereotypes.
21 year old Rory has promised as the leaders enter the final day that there is no way he will "bottle it"
Which prompted a fan of US golfing and fornicating legend, Tiger Woods to gripe:
"McIlroy may well win the tournament, but in my opinion it'll be a hollow victory. I mean, the guy is just a kid - he doesn't really understand the ins and outs of international matchplay golf, like Tiger Woods does. Trust me, when Rory gets pole dancing strippers falling at his feet, offering their favours to him - he won't be able to resist the temptation. He'll be off like a dog with two dicks. Just like the next man. And I wonder how he'd cope with being clubbed up the head with a six iron and crashing his car into a tree. Kid doesn't know he's born yet..."
Britons typically over previous decades have only been any good at sports which involve physical violence, such as rugby, which involves being battered to pieces and getting cauliflower ears whilst singing silly songs about the navy, horse riding, archery (with live targets) fox hunting and fighting in football stadia.
"It's nice to think that an Irish British person can play a right proper gentleman's game," one fan said. "We're good at fighting and stuff like that, but I never thought I'd see the day when a Briton would succeed at knocking a small ball down a little hole. Using a stick. At least not on an international level. It reminds me of the halcyon days when Steve "Interesting" Davis ruled the world at snooker. Can we cut off now? I'm filling up...."
More as we get it.
