£50 Million Striker Torres Insists: "I'm No Jaffa"

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 10 April 2011


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Here - have a crisp. Smerky Baycon Flayva Ya Knaa Man Torres

Chelsea's £50 million striker, Fernando Torres apparently confided to friends last night that an old episode of British sit-com, Only Fools And Horses was ruining his life.

The episode in question revolved around used car dealer, Boycey, who, desperate to have a child with wife, Marlene was referred to by the show's star, Del Boy Trotter as a "Jaffa" - effectively implying that Boycey was "seedless" (as in the renowned Israeli orange citrus fruit.) and thus incapable of impregnating Marlene. (Who talks well posh in real life.)

A close friend of Fernando Torres revealed that the hilarious comedy show has had a devastating effect on the out of form Spanish striker.

"Being a Jaffa," explained Torres's close female friend, "equates with firing blanks. Which is just about all that Fernando has done since his £50 million transfer from Liverpool. He's singularly failed to hit the back of the net, and the pressure is getting to him."

In the game against plucky Wigan Athletic yesterday, Torres once again fired blanks and performed like a proper Jaffa; his sole contribution being to wrap himself in a passionate embrace with the hapless Wigan goalkeeper as Florent Malouda popped the ball home for the match winning goal.

"He was all over me like a gay plague," the Wigan keeper complained. "I wouldn't have minded so much if I was gay, but I'm not! While I was attempting to prevent the ball from crossing our goal line, Fernando was caressing my face and wiggling his bottom against my tummy. I was shocked! I thought he was in love with me or something. As it turned out, he doesn't really want to get jiggy with me - he was just trying to prevent me from playing the ball. Which to be honest is a huge relief. I mean, nobody in their right mind would want a £50 million Spanish striker cuddling up to their cojones. It's just wrong is that."

Even stunningly dull BBC MOTD pundit, Alan Shearer was adamant that Malouda's goal should have been disallowed, saying:

"Torres was aaaall ower the keeper there man. Ah divvent think that's reet fair like and that. It should've bin a free kick man. Ah divvent recall gettin' that clurse ter me wyfe recently lyke. An that."

Fellow pundit, Mark Lawrenson agreed: "Torres was closer to the keeper there than that Julie Christie was to Donald Sutherland in that there 'Don't Look Now' movie what they fillumed in that Italian place - the one with all the canals and stuff. And he still couldn't score. I reckon he couldn't score in a -"

"Moving on," Anchor Gary Lineker timely interrupted. "Wolves were a bit shit today. They even let Phil Neville score as they went down 3-0 to Everton."

"Why aye man, that's reet," Shearer reportedly quipped off-camera. "Burrah still reckon yer man Torres is a Jaffa..."

"Indeed Alan," Lineker (also off camera said.) "Anyone fancy a crisp?"

"Why aye man I'll hev summa that man Gary...Huv yers got smerky baycun flayva?" quipped Shearer.

At which point, SSN had had enough of Jaffas and crisps and went to the pub.

Further hilarity from Alan Shearer and Co as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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