More Begging Letters To The Editor

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Sunday, 10 April 2011


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Could You Help A Girl Like Lucy Clappe Disentangle Hair Colour Advice From Cod's Head Cookery Tips?

The effects of this most confusing condition are truly bewildering. So I am doubly grateful for your time and understanding today. I, for example, have the random dislocation variant of the disorder, but there are many other ways in which sentences may be mixed, transposed or swapped. Donations will be gratefully received and will help us to work towards the rehabilitation of sufferers. This is the case both for the sufferers, who are trying to make themselves understood, and for those who are trying to understand them.

Yours faithfully,

This affliction causes the sufferer to mix up their sentences in a variety of ways. I would like to bring to the attention of your esteemed journal the plight of those unfortunate people - among whose number I am to be accounted - who suffer from sentence dislocation disorder.

Stanley Thruppler,

Communication requires enormous reserves of patience and can often break down altogether.

Dear Sir,

Dear Sirs,

may I make a plea for old toads? This is the time of year called Spring, when all the world (apart from those parts that, apart from us who are in Spring, are in other seasons according to the parts of the Earth they are a part of). I have lost the thread now. It is all down the the enormous bracket I have just done. I shall revisit.

This is the time of the year when all the world (apart from the parts that, apart from us, are, apart from us who are in Spring, in other seasons, being situate in other parts). I have done it again. Let me try again, as Charles Aznavour sang to Dorothy Lamour in the song "Gigi".

This is the time of year when it is Spring with us. Let me not dwell on other parts or zones of the world's climactics. Thoughts turn to life and youth is full of joy de viver. Many is the pond brimming with amphibian life. But what of those amphibians who are not so favoured? I refer of course to our aged toad-life.

This is a hard time for old toads. Not as fleet of foot or slick of leg as of old, they can struggle to attain the best parts of the swamp. Hence, they can be "high and dry" on the banks. Many will dry out and become food for passing crows, otters or stray badgers and the like who learn to come down off the mountain in Spring in search of stranded ancient toads who have dried out. Wandering gypsies will often pick up a dried old toad and give it to their young. The poor toad will then suffer through its last hours being hurled about like a "froglike frisbee", hung with hooks through it as a mobile in the caravan window, or simply thrown to the tribal dogs.

I am sure these heart-broken images will strike up a cord within your heart for old toads. Please give generously. With your help our volunteers will be out on the moors with our spray-bottles, proffering life-giving water to drying toads, and gently pushing the stranded toads into the comforting swamp pools, where they may safely hide from predatorial tooths, tongues and claw.

Yours etc,

Sally Forthe,

Dear Sir,

I am writing an appeal for help to appeal to your readers to help us. We work on behalf of those who, through no fault of their own, are never quite able, and I am sure your readers' hearts will go out to these unfortunate individuals, who have been afflicted with this ailment quite accidentally and in random fashion, and are never quite able, can not quite manage, as I say, to ever quite come to, or ever quite get to, or just never quite manage to quite finally make it to, though they will keep trying, with heart-rendingly futile efforts, to strive to get to, to attain, that which, sadly, frustratingly, heart-breakingly, they can not quite accomplish, or bring within their grasp, that ever-elusive goal, the attainment of which might bring such joy to their fear-darkened little faces, if only it were to be brought within their pathetic compass, but which they can never, as I have said, ever quite manage to reach.

Yours faithfully,

Ernest Trumpeter,

Dear Mr Lowton,

as an avid reader of your esteemed journal, enjoying the thousands of pages of naughty celebrity tales contained within its thousands of naughty celebrity pages, may I appeal to you on behalf of a special group of folk?

In 1732, Queen Sophia Dorothea attempted to orchestrate a dual marriage of Frederick and his sister Wilhelmina with Amelia and Frederick, the children of her brother, King George II of Great Britain. I myself am a fellow-sufferer. We endure a tortuous life, since our condition - for which there is no known cure - involves the regular insertion into our correspondence of random historical narratives from histories. The high degree of inbreeding amongst the Ptolemies can be seen from the possible ancestry of Cleopatra VII. This causes a great deal of distress and confusion to all concerned, as you will appreciate.

After his electoral defeat in 1874, Gladstone resigned as leader of the Liberal Party, but from 1876 began a comeback based on opposition to Turkey's Bulgarian atrocities. Many are the broken relationships and familial ruptures as a result of this condition. As an example, I could cite the case of a History Professor who was moved to sue for divorce when he could no longer bear to read his wife's correspondence from abroad (she was a travel writer), as the historical insertions in her narratives made him feel that she was being satirical about his professional acumen. This policy was followed until AD 39 or 40, when Caligula received an exiled member of the Catuvellaunian dynasty and staged an invasion of Britain that collapsed in farcical circumstances before it had even left Gaul.

I feel sure that I am on safe ground when I appeal to the kindness of your readers in this matter. Some scholars see a trend towards refeudalisation in the later Renaissance as the urban elites turned themselves into landed aristocrats. With your help, we can continue such work as our Historical Tours in which we endeavour to familiarise sufferers with the historical realities behind their random insertions. Pascal's most influential theological work, referred to posthumously as the Pensées ("Thoughts"), was not completed before his death.

With your help, we can carry on this vital work. Prostitutes have long plied their trades to the military in many cultures. For example, the British naval port of Portsmouth had a flourishing local sex industry in the 19th century, and until the early 1990s there were large red light districts near American military bases in the Philippines.

Yours sincerely,

Maj. Eustace Shinwell-Bladderstone (Retd.),
Tunbridge Wells

My Dear Sir,

I am writing to appeal for help - whether in coin or in kind, it is up to the generosity of those thus inclined. The help is for those who are subject to the condition called those who speak and write entirely in the form of an admixture of fashion journalism and 19th-century cooking recipes. This is how it was described to me by Lord Weathercocke, who has done so much for these people, his late wife being a sufferer for many years until she went mad and became a celebrity chef.

I will not say much more, except to thank in anticipation and gratitude all those who have read my plea and might feel moved to offer help.

What I will do is to enclose an addendum in the form of a letter from a friend of mine, Miss Lucy Clappe, who suffers from this condition.

yours faithfully,

Hermione Silkworme,

letter from Lucy Clappe:

Dear Sir,

A Cod's Head and Shoulders, perhaps, require more attention in serving than any other. The new hair colour hues to choose from are vast, so you can definitely find a bold hair colour which will suit the 2011 hair trends perfectly and make a real fashion statement. In carving, introduce the trowel along the back, and take off a piece quite down to the bone, taking care not to break the flakes. The transformation achieved through the help of hair colour is absolutely amazing, so add a splash of colour to your tresses and you'll definitely be the attraction everywhere you go. Put in a spoon and take out the sound, a jelly-like substance, which lies inside the back-bone. Don't be afraid to plunge into the fabulous world of hair colour as it can definitely help upgrade your look! A part of this should be served with every slice of fish. The bones and glutinous parts of a cod's head are much liked by most people, and are very nourishing. Make sure you choose clashing colours which will instantly brighten your look, making you stand out.

Yours faithfully,

Lucy Clappe (Miss),

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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