Stupid Person Attacked by Wild Otter
A stupid boy was attacked by an otter yesterday. The youth was capturing the cute little otter on his cell phone when all hell broke loose. The otter was sunning himself on the grass when the boy approached saying, "oh, look at the cute little o...
Read full storyMonday's trainwreck astrology: Wikileaks claims Bill Clinton and JK Rowling 'are Prince William DNA parents'
London - (Death Star Stuff): The poison pus of public orifice that is William Jefferson Clinton is finally ready to burst. Forty years of covering up this putrid boil are being exposed in a damning Wikileaks revelation. This coincides with Mon...
Read full storyWikileaks Dumps Several Trillion Private Conversations; Countless Families, Friendships Sundered
Wikileaks today publicly dumped several trillion conversations held between billions of individuals, most of which were assumed to be private. The conversations reveal deep personal feelings of hatred, animosity, vindictiveness, pettiness and other b...
Read full storyPalin Lashes out against North Dakota Dictator Kim Jong-il
Sounding more presidential than ever, Sarah Palin took time out from her reality television show and book signing engagements yesterday to speak out strongly against Generalissimo Kim Jong-il. "America cannot stand idly by while a foreign dictator...
Read full storyBody Found In Alley Behind Night Club
ST. LOUIS, Missouri - Police report that an unidentified young male found the body of a young woman in the alleyway adjacent to the Up Beat night club. The body was that of a young unidentified female, clothed in a tight black mini-skirt and pacing...
Read full storyMark Lowton voted "UK's Weirdest Crush"
It's official. The highly effective editor of "The Spoof" website has been voted the United Kingdom's "Weirdest Crush", in a new poll run by the obscene magazine "What?" The magazine that noboby has ever heard of asked the entire UK population...
Read full storyNewby, Isle of Wight, plans biggest and best Santa Parade in the history of the town. It WILL include a Susan Boyle float.
Newby residents are filled with excitement about the annual Santa Claus Parade, which is to take place on December 15th. The organizers of the parade say that it will, indeed, be the BEST Santa Claus Parade in the history of the village. They d...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Sheds Good Girl Image Becomes Stripper
Miley Cyrus turned 18 recently that makes her legal to do whatever she pleases. Her first order of business is to shed her goody two shoes image. To achieve that goal she has taken a job at Harazy Girls in Los Angeles California. It seems kinda cr...
Read full storyGrandpa Ganja's Emporium (The Cop) #5
FADE IN: EXT. DAY. Shot of Grandpa Ganja's Emporium. GG sweeps the sidewalk, nods to passerby, turns and starts inside. INT. Usual scene. Smoke eddies, CHESS PLAYERS in inaction, BETH at the table chats with 80-year-old CLARA with walker. CLIENTS at tables smoke, drink coffee, eat cookies. GUITARIST strums softly in a corner. GG crosses with broom and goes into backroom. CLARA …was...
Read full storyLaredo Border Patrol Agents Confiscate 2 Million Nude Counterfeit Vampire Dairies Action Figure Dolls
LAREDO, Texas - Agents of The United States Border Patrol stationed in Laredo have just confiscated what they are calling one of the largest counterfeit smuggling rings of all time. Border Patrol Director Aspinwall L. Tiffinmiffin, 53, stated that...
Read full storyKoreans 'Not Chinese'
North Korea's President, Cum Ill Stung, has criticised their Chinese neighbours: 'We Koreans are not Chinese' he declared 'the Chinese cuisine is inferior to the Korean. They grow fat and lazy. We are lean and fit.' This surprise announcement, whi...
Read full storyIreland Leaves the Eurozone
Ireland's newly appointed Prime Minister has taken the financial world by surprise by leaving the Eurozone and turning to the £ as the basis of its currency. 'The IMF can stuff their exorbitant rates of interest. If we go bankrupt we will shake up...
Read full storyMotorist organisation recommends spray paint to evade snow happy traffic wardens
Motoring organization the CA (Car Association) is advising drivers across the UK to take cans of yellow spray paint on their journeys tonight after receiving reports of weather happy parking wardens exploiting snow obscured parking spaces on the say...
Read full storyTaylor Swift: My Breasts Are Larger Than Those Of Kristen Stewart!
After being kidded about her small breasts by stand-up comedians for over two years now, a frustrated Taylor Swift suddenly stated that she is larger than Kristen Stewart! Hearing this, actress Kristen Stewart told reporters "How does she know? Sh...
Read full storySarah Palin Demands That President Obama Invade South Korea Immediately!
WASILLA - Sarah Palin sat smiling on her frozen front porch in her home on Lake Lucille, which she has dubbed, Casa Moscow. The former governor of the Iceberg State repeated the statement that she had made to Glenn Beck that the United States has...
Read full storyAliens Desert Planet
The question of whither we are alone in the Universe has been answered. Governments across the globe have come forward to confirm the existence of extraterrestrial beings on our planet. The reason for this honesty is the aliens are leaving the pl...
Read full storyPsychic Pets Hypnotize Owners
UCLA has done a study that has reveals, domesticated pets are controlling their owners through telepathic manipulation. Ever find yourself taking the dog out for a walk, when it's the last thing you were intending to do? Ever find yourself petting...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Protests January White Sale after ' Black Friday' Stimulus Scheme Leads only to Riots and Mayhem
Michelle Obama, protector of the obese, champion of 4 meals a day for starving US children whose parents can't be arsed, railed at plans to go ahead with January White Sales after her husband's promise of 'change' failed miserably with his grand Bla...
Read full story"That's a Shame That's Britain's Got the Coldest Night Ever," says Explorer Lost in Arctic Circle
LONDON & GOD KNOWS WHERE - As Britain is launched into the coldest winter ever, one man emphasises. His name is Tom Tucker, lost in the Arctic Cirlce since two weeks ago. How we managed to interview him is a mystery. "Well, howdy," said Tuc...
Read full storyU.S Government Announces, The Future Is Past
The United States Government announced today that the future is a thing of the past. Governments generally think of the future as something off in the distance. Recent economic downtrends have eaten up the anticipated future. In essence, we have no f...
Read full storyKIT offering Basketball
Asham Ambed Arrorya, Director of Trining at the Kabul Institute of Terrorism, speaking recently at an evening meeting of the local Kiwanis, stated, "We will soon be offering some special basketball training at our faccility. We had never considered i...
Read full storyHeston Blumenthal's Christmas Pudding Recipe Stolen
Heston Blumenthal is in a state of shock tonight after his Christmas Pudding recipe got stolen by another well known Superchef. To make matters worse, this other chef, who just happens to be Scottish, wants to sell the pudding at a leading supermar...
Read full storyShock as Man Dies From Old Age
BIRMINGHAM - A man today died of the incurable disease of 'old age'. Jack Summers, 87, died of a dilberating condition known colloqiually as 'old age', but known medically as senectus, which is latin for 'old age'. Old age affects nearly everyone...
Read full story"Sexist Bastards!........you like my ass?"
Sarah Palin appeared on the Sean Hannity program last night and, once again, took off on the media. "Sexist Bastards," Palin said in a harsh voice. "It's hard enough to be a woman in every day life, but running for political office just makes you a target for these slime balls!" "I agree with you," said Hannity. "You deserve better than that, Sarah. Everyone should be judged on their qualificat...
Read full storyAmerican Bible Belt to Form New Nation
DALLAS, TX - A consortium of the southern states has split off from the United States of America. The new country will be accepted into the United Nations, and will be named the Union Provinces of Christ or the UPC. This will reduced the numbe...
Read full storyObama Almost Trampled on "Black Friday" during Stampede to Scoff New Version of "Grand Theft Auto" at Toy Store!
It was announced today that Barry Obama's recent injuries were incurred when he slipped out of the grasp of his Secret Service handlers and was almost trampled to death at 3 a.m. as a horde of frenzied shoppers ran him over trying to scoff up the br...
Read full storyOn Second Thought: Defense Ministry Declines to Commission HMS Astute saying "It's more important to fund free Education than War Mongering!"
The Ministry of Defense today said the reason they recently made the captain of the ill fated Billion Dollar Sub HMS Astute redundant after he recently ran it aground on a mud bank, was that the ill named ASTUTE was no longer needed after a commitmen...
Read full storyWilliam pulls out : Kate says it happens to many men.
Prince William flew from Heathrow Airport last night on a scheduled Air Kamchatka flight after having broken off his engagement to Kate Middleton. Air Kamchatka operates flights between London and Kamchatka in the Russian Far East, but Buckingham...
Read full storyGlobal warming hits UK?!
The effects of global warming are having a devastating effect on the UK. Sandy, boiling hot windy deserts, drying up of lakes and rivers, rising sea-levels, livestock dying because of lack of water and food. Cactus and palm trees are replacing...
Read full storyPub Clientele Ignore Meaning Of Life Due To Subtitles
The clientele of a pub in Norwich, Suffolk, have allegedly passed up the chance to find out the meaning of life, and the answers to numerous other unanswerable questions, because they chose to ignore what was being said due to the fact that it was de...
Read full storyTrouble from Bert
'My art teacher is becoming a real pain' Penny told her mother. 'I thought you got on very well with him.' 'I did. But now he's been moaning that I take up too much time talking about football. He's noticed that everything I do has someone scoring a goal.' 'Well, he has a point.' So Penny went back to Bert and told him he had a point. 'In future I will not just concentrate on goals. Wh...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Found in Undergroud Drug Tunnel with 10 Tons of Pot and "real big bong!"
US DEA and Border patrol agents arrested Country Folk Singer and 77 year old icon Willie Nelson when they found him sitting on bales of marijuana and strumming his guitar while singing "Hello Walls" in a sophisticated half mile tunnel leading from...
Read full story"Su-Berb" Bulgarian Beelzebub blasts Blackburn back to Black country!
A certain 'Bulgarian Beelzebub' who has been criticised for his phlegmatic performances since being a member of the "Theatre of Dreams" company answered all of them yesterday. He came out with a point to prove and blasted his opponents and critics...
Read full storyWikileaks Leak Sensation
Your correspondent has obtained access to Wikileaks leaks that are not going to be leaked! These sensational revelations have become a virtual torrent of piss and are causing major problems to the sewers of Britain. The main area where wikileaks i...
Read full story'Wannabe' terrorist just got Punk'd
PORTLAND-- Taking their cue from Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas. Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed...
Read full storyMcKeith gets No 1
Gillian Mckieth got her first No 1, "It's fainting time", last night, beating Chico's "It's Christmas time" and Gino's "essence of Italy song" to the top chart spot. The song tells the story of a doctor who constantly faints and gets about a milli...
Read full storyI Want To See My Daughters Cry.
I want to see my daughters cry. I want to look down, across my chest, and see them surrounding my deathbed, staring at me, crying. I am preoccupied with my death. I had children so late; I was 38 when my oldest daughter was born. I am 41 years older than my youngest, and 14 years older than my wife. I constantly feel like the grandfather playing daddy, a father and husband a generation older th...
Read full storyCivil Servants Taught To Breathe & Stand Up Straight
It has been revealed that the Foreign & Commonwealth Office has spent £120,000 on teaching civil servants to breathe and stand up straight. This is despite having to make cost savings of £300 million in its annual budget. Deputy Under Assistan...
Read full storyFroch Defeats Abraham; Super Six Still Alive
Helsinki, Finland-Carl Froch was declared the winner by unanimous decision in the last Group Stage 3 fight of Showtime's Super Six World Boxing Classic on Saturday. In a post-fight interview, Abraham stated that everything was going according to...
Read full storyPalin gives Glenn Beck Dressing Down over Korean Crisis Gaffe
In yet another example of just how far along Sarah Palin has come from the days of being accused of not knowing her geography, it is being reported that she is now taking on Glenn Beck by letting him know just exactly how wrong he is about the Korean...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Popped by Border Patrol for Pot Possession
Willie Nelson's band wagon was pulled over today at a Border Patrol and Nelson and 2 others were arrested for possession of six ounces of marijuana. Border Patrol agents were initially looking for illegal aliens when they spotted Nelson's unmarked to...
Read full storyMan Finds Band of Gypsies Living in His Fallout Shelter
Martin Shuttlecock sort of knew something was amiss when a few weeks ago, he found his gazebo lying on its side in his back yard. The gazebo had been standing for years without incident, but suddenly was atip and askew and there were no winds really...
Read full storyThe Estate Of Twilight Zone Creator Rod Serling Is Suing The Producers Of The Twilight Saga
ROCHESTER, New York - Noted East Coast attorney Myron Leftowitz, who represents the late Rod Serling's estate, is suing the producers of The Twilight Saga. Leftowitz is claiming name infringement in regards to the word 'Twilight.' He stated that R...
Read full storyDistracted Airport Security Police Viewing "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" and "The X Factor" Fail to Screen McKeith/Palin Duo Smuggling Thanksgiving Turkeys Dressed as Sex Students Bound for North Korea; Economy Unaffected
(LAX) - In a scene straight out of Hollywood, distracted airport security police officers neglected to properly screen a pair of travelers who closely resembled Sarah Palin and Gillian McKeith this past weekend. The two allegedly were smuggling Th...
Read full storyShock: Local Man Spreads Weather Related Fear Across County
Danny Thomas, 32, today sensationally told people what they already knew. Upon walking in to a local shop and filling his basket, and then approaching the till, Thomas, rubbing his hands together in a friction related warming action, told those as...
Read full storyVietnam Introduces "Domino Theory" of Western Bankruptcies
HANOI, Vietnam - Government trade and finance officials are warning of a global "domino effect", where financial defaults in one Western nation would induce further defaults in neighboring nations. Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung explained, "Thos...
Read full storyNew tunnel discovery panics the Tea Party
Agents from the US Border Agency and the Drug Enforcement Agency have revealed that a new tunnel has been discovered running between San Diego and Tijuana. The tunnel is lined with breize blocks, has a railway(what!!!), electricity and a state of...
Read full storyPrince William does not wish to be King. Wise man!
Prince William has announced that he does not wish to become King. He is of the opinion that his father would be best suited for the job. After all, Charles has been preparing for this position his whole life. No fool this young man William. He...
Read full storyShock: Man's Exit Ruined By Door Closer
A local man's angry exit was ruined this evening, by a common manual surface mounted door closer. The man was entertaining visiting friends at his local pub, when the incident occurred. Barry Butress was drinking in The White Lion, when the con...
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