Written by Inhopeless

Sunday, 28 November 2010

image for "That's a Shame That's Britain's Got the Coldest Night Ever," says Explorer Lost in Arctic Circle
Of course We've Got It Much, Much Worse than that Speck You Can See Here.

LONDON & GOD KNOWS WHERE - As Britain is launched into the coldest winter ever, one man emphasises.

His name is Tom Tucker, lost in the Arctic Cirlce since two weeks ago. How we managed to interview him is a mystery.

"Well, howdy," said Tucker, from Texas. "I just picked up some signals on my satellite phone here. BBC Radio 4. Says Britain is in a cold spell. Yeah it's such a shame. You know. That obviously beats being stuck in a white, frozen wasteland with a non-responding GPS, and a compass that keeps moving. My iPod stopped working fifteen hours ago. But nah, I feel for the Brits."

Tucker was on an Arctic Expedition to find polar bears in the wild.

"Of course, due to the Arctic Treaty, we can't mine this place for oil," he said. "And for good reason. I have no clue where the fuck I am."

According to voice logs from the crew of his expedition, they decided to play a practical joke on him stating: "He has his GPS radio tag, we can find him."

"I was hearing that people had to start out five hours earlier in some places to get to work," he smiled. "Oh yeah. That's a real shame. You know what else is a real shame? Having to eat only a slice of bread every day to keep myself alive. But hey, at least I've been losing weight, burning fat off. You want some bread?" Our reporter refused, and instead offered Tucker half his warm turkey baguette.

"Where'd you get that from?" he asked. Our reporter told him that their was a United Nations mobilie outpost not far from here.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Weather, Snow, Cold

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