Written by Rob Stimpson

Sunday, 28 November 2010

The clientele of a pub in Norwich, Suffolk, have allegedly passed up the chance to find out the meaning of life, and the answers to numerous other unanswerable questions, because they chose to ignore what was being said due to the fact that it was delivered in Aramaic with English subtitles.

The incident occurred at approximately 11:30pm in the Red Lion when the pub was nearing maximum capacity. As the customers chatted away and sipped at their drinks, a white vision beamed out on the 50-inch HD ready plasma TV hanging above the bar, stunning the crowd into silence. Before long the face of Jesus Christ appeared, smiling wistfully and winking playfully at those looking back at him in various forms of drunkenness.

It is at this point that The Saviour of the Christians started to tell his audience the meaning of life, revealing why the human race is in existence and what constitutes a successful life. Naturally, Jesus spoke in Aramaic, but had changed the settings on the TV so his words could be read in conjunction with his image via English subtitles. As the foreign words boomed out in Jesus' seductively husky tones, and the subtitles passed at a comfortable rate, some of the crowd grew restless. "Speak English you twat!" shouted one man, while another chimed in with; "We don't want to read, we just want to sit here like sponges and soak up explosions and sex scenes."

The message continued unabated, though, as Jesus moved onto how the human race can eradicate all forms of warfare and gain world peace, as well as how to cure all known diseases. By this time, however, most of the crowd had returned to their own private conversations or vacated the premises, disgusted as they were with the foreign filth being shown on TV, and the pure cheek of The Saviour for making them read subtitles.

As one man exited through the main doors, he was heard saying to his friend: "This is a joke, why are they showing us foreign language crap? Subtitles are for pretentious faggots, reading is for arty types, I just can't do it. Who was that guy anyway? He's never been on TV before or in any films has he? I'll wait for the Hollywood remake."

Luckily for this ignorant fool, Hollywood is planning a remake of the incident, starring Taylor Lautner as a constantly shirtless, buff Jesus, with no mention of the meaning of life or answers to human conundrum, nor any substance at all. Instead, there will be a rather clich├ęd, linear romantic storyline in which the buff, super cute Jesus puts his carpentry degree to good use by trying to win over the heart of the sweet but kooky, as well as painfully shy, Mary Magdalene, played by Megan Fox. It is hotly anticipated, and is expected to smash global grossing records.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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