Obama blames CIA for Christmas Day jet bomb
US President Barack Obama has for the first time realised that an offshoot of the CIA planted some chemicals in a bag belonging to a Nigerian man with a history of mental illness. He said that as he was now seen by the world as a feeble leader with n...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Says Aretha Franklin Is A Moose
What's happened to the R-E-S-P-E-C-T woman? That's what 350-pound Kirstie Alley wants to know. "She can't have any respect left", Alley told UP2. "She better stay out of the water or Captain Ahab will be going after the great black whale next!"...
Read full storyNewly inflated Pam Anderson to carry Vancouver's Olympic torch in the nude - IOC old farts not amused
VANCOUVER: Vancouver's favorite aging babe has decided that when Jack the Rogue call's Vancouver's Olympics "the best" - he is "damn well going to mean it". To put a little extra oomph into the torch running relay, Pammie has added an additional...
Read full storyThe numbers were against us
Year 2030. The Congressional Budget Office was correct back in 2009 when they projected the interest on the national debt, $14 trillion, would consume the *entire* federal budget within 20 years. The federal government had default on its debt and confiscate everything of value to carry on business as usual a while longer. Programs have been cut for millions of people. Global warming has taken...
Read full storyFour Vols Arrested for Illegal Gun Possession; Immediately Drafted by Washington Wizards
Four Tennessee Volunteer basketball team players were arrested and charged with various gun and drug possession charges in Knoxville. The players, otherwise known as the Tennessee Wise Guys, were on there way to the campus to "score some season highs...
Read full storyCamilla Bowles Has Agreed To Be A Contestant On Next Season's 'Strictly Come Dancing'
LONDON - The lovely, charming, and athletic as the dickens Camilla Bowles has finally agreed to be a contestant on next season's Strictly Come Dancing reality dance show. Strictly Come Dancing's producer Ellsworth Cruxton has been trying to convin...
Read full storyHomer Simpson thinks Duff beer is good
Homer Simpson is the only person on the planet who thinks Duff beer is good as most people claim its Duff. We interviewed Homer at home just as he was opening another bottle of Duff Beer and we asked him what he likes about Duff beer "Its the best...
Read full storyTiger takes up darts
Tiger Woods has today announced that he has taken up darts as he thinks its only in golf you try to get birdies. Woods is being coached by Phil the Power Taylor 14 times World Darts Champion who has told us that its early days coaching Tiger but t...
Read full storyHulk Hogan to run for President in 2012
Professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has announced at a press conference that he wishes to run in the 2012 election for President of the United States. At the press conference held in Orlando, FL Hogan stated that he is tired of seeing Presidential c...
Read full storyThe Exxon Valdez Oil Spill Strikes Again
Following the Exxon Valdez oil spill on March 24th, 1989, the United States ordered all future oil tankers to have a tugboats out looking for anything the big boats could hit in the future. They especially wanted the Bligh Reef to be avoided becau...
Read full storyBarak Obama is Osama Bin Laden
Unsurprising results of a thorough nottoosure investigation have now proven that Barak Obabma is in Fact Osama Bin Laden. Ace reporter Peter Pisshead produced today TOP SECRET documents from the Pub. Proving the two had never been seen at the sam...
Read full storyPlayboy Museums To Open Across The U.S.
Hugh Hefner has decided that, with the readership, make that viewership, of his magazine down nearly ten percent, he needs to make money elsewhere. So, this morning a representative of the magazine announced that there will soon be the first ever...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Already Dating Joe Jonas
That was a quick three-month fling that Taylor Swift had with Taylor Lautner and the paparazzi loved the double-Taylor headlines but it now appears that Taylor Swift has had her eye on Joe Jonas for some time. Even though Joe spent the Christmas h...
Read full storyHarlingen Man Still Looking for Missing Screw, Risks Losing Family
For nearly eight months, Harlingen area resident Christopher Baker has been searching for a screw that somehow fell out of his Sharp Viewcam personal camcorder posing little more than a mild inconvenience. So far all efforts to locate the missing...
Read full storyDuck Decoy Malfunction Left Unexplained
A Harlingen area family was left puzzled on Sunday when a duck decoy they had placed in their backyard to attract real ducks failed to perform to plan. Christopher and Adriana Baker were both approached by their two young children early that after...
Read full storyArea Cat Barely Let In 5 Minutes Ago, Already Wants Out
A Harlingen area cat who was just let in the house five minutes ago, already wants out according to a local man. "It defies any reasonable explanation", Christopher Baker said of the family's pet cat Mario on Monday. "He'll be sitting out on the b...
Read full storyArea Man Wondering Why He Buys Bananas Anymore
Harlingen area resident, Christopher Baker continues to wonder why the supply of bananas he bought a week ago have gone uneaten. "I don't buy a lot, like four or five at the most", Baker commented. "You would think that someone in this house woul...
Read full storyNew Car Smell Spray Fails to Live Up To Expectations
After a trip to the local Dollar Tree, area shopper Christopher Baker was crushed to discover that the 64 oz bottle of new car smell spray he purchased for exactly one dollar failed to live up to his high expectations. "All I can say is that it s...
Read full storyBarbecue Sparks Pretend Call for Help
A barbecue at a local area family's home sparked a pretend call for help Sunday afternoon. The youngest daughter of Christopher and Adriana Baker of Harlingen proceeded to call for assistance after witnessing her father lighting the grill in prep...
Read full story10 Minute Trip to Petsmart Results in 3 Hours of Begging for a Cat
For area mother, Adriana Baker, a recent trip to the local Petsmart for hamster bedding turned into an experience she would like to forget. "I can't explain how it all started and I suppose it should have occurred to me in advance but it didn't",...
Read full storyFamily's New Pet Possessed By Devil, Experts Say
The Baker family of Harlingen has a new pet and experts are speculating that it may be possessed by the Devil. 'Ginny', an otherwise unremarkable guinea pig was recently acquired by the family's matriarch, Adriana Baker from the wife of a principal i...
Read full storyArea Man Can't Believe The Mess The Girls Made in the Bathroom
After getting out of bed around 2:45am Thursday morning for a drink of water, area resident Christopher Baker could scarcely believe his eyes when he peeked into the guest bath and noticed the total mess the girls made in there. The girls in quest...
Read full storyFamily Owns 50 Cookbooks, Having Chicken For Dinner Again.
A Harlingen area family that has collected no less than 50 cookbooks over 20 years is having another uninspired dinner of chicken and macaroni with cheese for the fourth time in three weeks. According to Mrs. Adriana Baker and her husband Christo...
Read full storyCrotch Bomber May Lose Penis
The al-Qeada operative who tried to blow up an airliner over Detroit "may lose his sexual appendage," according to a reliable medical source treating Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The source says what is left of the 23-year-old Nigerian's penis wil...
Read full storySouth African Violence Against Refugees Shows Some Didn't Get the Point of "District 9"
Polokane, Souh Africa - In border regions near Zimbabwe a flood of refugees has created social tension and violence that shows that not everyone got the message behind the film District 9. The New York Times reports of murders and vigilante actio...
Read full storyNewest Watergate Tape Discovery Reveals Nixon Was Called Tricky Dick Because of Eighteen Inch Prehensile Penis
A full generation after the Watergate break in and successive cover-up, a new White House tape discovery is adding additional insight and information about former President Richard M. Nixon. This tape reveals that the man reviled as "tricky Dick" go...
Read full storyDanish police shoot a prophet
Danish police have shot and wounded a prophet in Kartoon, near Copenhagen. The prophet, Mohammed Momaddman from Somalia, had tried to show the world the basic decency of the religion of Islam, by attempting to massacre hundreds of harmless Kartoon...
Read full storyRise of the Somali Nutters
A Somali man has been shot in arse I mean Aarhus in Denmark after trying to kill a Danish cartoonist just because he done a cartoon of the prophet Mohammed. Pirates from Somali are also causing bother to any passing ship or rowing boat of the coas...
Read full storyClinton in dubious electoral form
Washington DC, Saturday. Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, has been spotted running naked around the capital today whilst shouting electoral slogans such as "vote me in for Prez in 2012" and "give women a chance." Fed up with accumulating frequent...
Read full storyLimbaugh Rushed To Hospital Has Near Death Experience
Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a hospital in Honolulu over the weekend and was in a coma for two hours. On gaining consciousness Limbaugh said he had had a near death experience. Reportedly, he told doctors that he felt himself leave his body and float...
Read full storyEarth Girls Are Easy
A survey of intergalactic planetary explorers of the cosmos has revealed that girls from the planet Earth (known colloquially as 'The World') are the easiest in terms of 'getting in the sack'. Mr. Spock, Ming the Merciless and Alf were just some o...
Read full storyMy New Life As A Woman
My secret is out, I'm no longer a man, I came to Thailand, Instead of Japan, And all of a sudden, As I daydreamed one day, I had queer cravings, I thought I was gay! Went straight down to Yanhee, Told the doctors down there, "I'm fed up being macho Remove my cock hair!" But, oh! The translator! He was such a fool! Not only the cock hair, But also my tool, Was hacked of with gusto,...
Read full storyTiger's Caddy Now Seen Humping Bags at Heathrow!
An iconic caddy, formerly 'on the bag' for Tiger Woods, was seen last week humping bags for hire at Heathrow during the Christmas Rush. Caddying since he was 6, and a low handicap golfer himself, suddenly found himself out of work as Woods was dr...
Read full storyNBA Players Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton To Meet On Main Street At High Noon
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Two NBA basketball players reportedly each drew a pistol on the other in the urinal room of the Washington Nationals dressing room. A witness, Finnster "Broomstick" Fickler, who works as the nighttime custodian at The Verizon Ce...
Read full storyThe Progress Report: Obama's Stimulus Package
Experts from several universities as well as all major new organizations have reported today that the $787 billion stimulus package has disappeared without a trace. Several government agencies including the FBI, IRS, Federal Reserve as well as the 53...
Read full storyDawn French & Jennifer Saunders Call It Quits After 30 Years!
LONDON - The most popular female comedy team in the history of the United Kingdom has thrown in the towel, or rather the whimsical washcloth. Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders who worked together making millions of Britishers, Spaniards, and Ukrai...
Read full storyTeam Blackwater Finds Immunity Cheat in "Operation Iraqi Freedom"
Baghdad- Team Blackwater, a group of independent contractors, found a cheat code in their legal game Operation Iraqi Freedom. The professional first person shooters were the first to find the loophole, left by the designers when it was released in 20...
Read full storyOkay Now, Where Did J.Lo's Booty Go?
NEW YORK CITY - Jennifer Lopez danced and danced and did not fall down once. Instead she thrilled the 750,000 at Times Square and let everyone know that La J.Lo is back! Lopez danced and pranced her booty off in a $95,000 diamond-studded chocolate...
Read full storyBob Crane's Murder Now Ruled Difficult and Lengthy Suicide
Bob Crane was an American disc jockey and actor, best known for his performance as Colonel Robert E. Hogan in the television sitcom Hogan's Heroes, which ran from 1965 to 1971. Crane appeared in a number of other career crushing shows, including Poli...
Read full storyCalifornia Leads Nation in Available Workers
For nearly three decades, a steady decline in available labor resources had plagued California's employers. Despite eight years of business-friendly initiatives put in place by the Bush administration, many of the state's business owners continued to...
Read full storyDrugged Limbaugh's Heartless Antics Fail to Ruin Obama-Pelosi Hawaiian Beer Summit
HONOLULU, Hawaii - The best doctors in Hawaii examined the loudest bile slinger in America, but were literally unable to locate the source of Rush Limbaugh's alleged chest pains after he was admitted to a local hospital, according to a doctor's repor...
Read full storyMove Over Rover, Let Rory Take Over!
AT&T, one of Tiger Woods' previous megala dollar sponsors before the Tiger was being exposed as an all time two timing hound dog and porn industry reverse fluffer, is rumored to have approached Rory Mcilroy about stepping into the #1 role model p...
Read full storyDanish Muhammedy Comedy Cartoonist Almost Gets Sliced and Diced
The Denmark Attack League is reporting that Kurt Westergard, the famous cartoonist who portrayed the Profit Muhammed for what all religious deities are........was almost cut up and turned into evening Bar-B-Q material by a Muslim revenger. Jacob...
Read full storyBLM Managers Plan to Round UP 2,500 Mustangs To Supply UK Horse Meat Demand
Bureau of Land Management Officials announced an interesting plan to make profit out of approximately 2,500 wild Mustang Horses roving the free hills of Nevada. Bart Cutlery, speaking for BLM, stated that the horses are "prime cut" for UK consume...
Read full storyDoes size really matter?
It's a man's worst nightmare - to have pictures showing he is not well-endowed circulated on the internet. Photos of a naked Jeremy Clarkson have been dropping into email boxes causing extreme embarrassment for a man who delights in all that is Al...
Read full storyKim Jong Il marries Lindsay Lohan in absentee ceremony
Third-world dictatorships routinely condemn criminals in trials where the defendant is absent, but Kim Jong Il, the midget tyrant ruler of North Korea, has established a new international precedent. Abel Rodriguez, Senior Reporter of The Spoof, ea...
Read full storyO'Bama Gives Way to Clinton & Gates; Yemen Fate to Be Decided
The latest Richard Reid Wannabe via Yemen may have brought a dud of a diaper device on board the plane he was trying to light up for X-Mas fun, but the results 28,000,000 people in Yemen will see from his kitchen moth ball cooking escapade will not b...
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