IRA Terrorist Group Shaft Police
In Northern Ireland, the real IRA are commencing a strategic array of fatal surgical strikes. The defecation of the the once proud Irish Police Burger is now the primary focus of this terrorist group. The policeman's burger was bummed. A youth ca...
Read full storyLohans Va-Jay-Jay breaks silence
(West Hollywood): Long missing from the tabloids, La-Lohan's vagina is ready to mount a comeback. Kitty - formerly known as fire crotch - wants to prove she is ready to work. Often seen at night club openings and dining hot-spots, the troubled st...
Read full storyHell, all this stimulation is screwing over the country Bank of England Governor tells Brown
London - (Fiscal Ass Mess): Bank of England governor Mervyn King warned today that even if the printing presses keep churning out tens of billions in brand new fifty quid notes 24/7 for the next 10 years the country is so screwed over that the word b...
Read full storySudoku Man Dies After Failing To Complete Fiendishly Difficult Puzzle
News just in from Japan about a man who has died attempting to complete a Sudoku grid, highlights the determination and intensity with which the people in that part of the world endeavour to play the tricky number puzzle game. Tushuro Hakamoto, a...
Read full storyFist and foot in mouth Jade to be celebrated; Full English to be followed by some hard core Swedish
To Ongar in Essex where a cloud of melancholy hangs over the town following the premature death of its most celebrated resident, Jade Goody. The Essex horizon, normally obscured by the smoke from burning tyres, schools, mattresses or abandoned ve...
Read full storyMen like coffee more than girls!
… You can make coffee as sweet as you desire. … A cup of coffee always looks good. … Coffee smells good. … Coffee tastes good. … Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. … You can have a good conversation with coffee. … You can have coffee anywhere, anytime, and not get arrested. … You can have as many coffees as you desire. … Coffee doesn't care what you look like.
Read full storyBoy George Forms A Prison Band
LONDON - George Alan O'Dowd, better known as Boy George, lead singer of the 80's band Culture Club has reportedly formed a prison band. O'Dowd is serving a 15 month prison sentence at London's Petula Clark Prison For Blokes for reportedly handcuff...
Read full storyTom's Cruise Blooming Awful Says Critic
One of the World's top movie critics has blasted Tom's cruise - using harsh words such as 'boring', 'weird' and 'simply awful' - definitely NO thumbs up! Roger Ebert, who has the easiest job in the world, told family and friends that his next door...
Read full storyDwain Chambers in new drug enhancement suspicion
Disgraced sprinter Dwain Chambers was at the centre of a storm when it was revealed he had been caught speeding. "It wasn't the fact he was 10 miles an hour over the 30 mph limit that aroused suspicion, it was the fact he was on foot at the time."...
Read full storyJade Goody biopic planned
Renee Zelwegger has been chosen to play Jade Goody in the upcoming Hollywood feature. "I'll be able to use my Bridgit Jones accent again although I will have to Dick Van Dyke it up a lot." said miss Zellwegger. Madonna will be playing Jade's moth...
Read full storyGeorge Clooney Caught Stroking Angelina Jolie's Vagina - Brad Pitt Doesen't Give A Toss
Actor Brad Pitt is said to be 'not bothered' after catching best friend and heterosexual actor George Clooney stroking his wife's vagina when he returned home early from filming his latest movie. Clooney, who is a frequent visitor to the home of J...
Read full storyFritzl monument to be erected
The small township of Amstetten, Austria, have revealed plans to erect a small statue dedicated to the infamous Joseph Frizl What the local council, led by Mr. Hans Pedo Pfile, declined to mention was it would be constructed entirely out of used t...
Read full storyEnglish women to replace men in their national football team
The FA today announced that women were to replace its men as players in the national team. 'Well', FA chief Donald Duckov said, 'when we've been reduced to playing people like John 'Buster Keaton' Terry and David 'Can only take free kicks' Beckham...
Read full storyGolden Balls
All over the UK there is one type of establishment that is bucking the trend and expanding fast. Pawnbrokers are spreading rapidly and as the recession bites, they are becoming the preferred way for thousands of people to raise much needed cash. Some of the success is due to the change in the public's perception of Pawnbrokers. A few years ago, Pawnbrokers were seen as unscrupulous places whic...
Read full storyPolice Hunt Cold Cure Criminals
Following the story this week regarding the Fishermen's Friend robbery, and the excellent coverage afforded on this site, more details are emerging regarding the group thought to be responsible. Rather than the confectionery thieves first considered...
Read full storyHoodwinked A.I.G. Bonus
A.I.G. executives received bonuses after threatening the nation's economy. Hello? Even the Queen of Hearts must be scratching her head. Since when is incompetence rewarded with a bonus? Short answer: When the incompetents guard the hen house, the pig...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse To Portray Ann Coulter
HOLLYWOOD - Producers of the Warner Brothers motion picture Ann Coulter - The Wicked Witch of The Yeast have signed Amy Winehouse to play the lead. They said that the resemblance is amazing. Both women are 6 foot 3, both weigh 87 pounds, and neit...
Read full storyTheo Walcott Banned!
Theo Walcott has been banned for life from playing football, even for his home town team, after he proved positive for actually being a whippet. The Arsenal player, who plays unders Terry Henry's old number, is in fact a rare form of whippet. This...
Read full storyThe news celebrates its 100th birthday
News has been around for a very long time. Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "N...
Read full story'Scotland doesn't rule England, honest!', Brown's ridiculous claim
Prime Minister Gordon Brown today made the ridiculous claim that England is not ruled by Scotland. 'It's ruled by Pakistan and Brussels! Sorry, only joking. No, England is ruled by the English, honestly, it is. When English football fans stopped f...
Read full storySmall Woodland Creatures On Ice
Hard to credit it now, I know, but that first pilot of what became Small Woodland Creatures On Ice did point the way to the future of television. In an age when even the most sautéed couch potato was growing weary of the vainglorious and talentles...
Read full storyComments From Andy Rudey
What is it these days with people serving you at restaurants or at a grocery deli putting on rubber gloves? It's like they're going to have to operate on the chicken you ordered before they serve it to you. It always makes me apprehensive. What if, say, the night before two people were in the back room or kitchen secretly about to have sex and the woman suddenly says, "I won't do it unless...
Read full storyProsecutor Calls Phil Spector "Demonic Maniac"
A prosecutor told a jury that Phil Spector's history of violence against women was like a game of Russian roulette that ended with the shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson at his hilltop mansion, her remarks bringing forth a grimace and long forke...
Read full storyBarack Obama makes speech on American rescue plan
Here is the President's speech, made at the Alhambra Lincoln roadhouse in Washington DC: 'I have a dream, brothers and sisters, and Klansmen, I have - uhm mmm, baby - a dream that one day Bushes and Obamas can stand together, and make phoney speeches about things they know nothing about. I have a dream!' And as an old lady burst into applause at this, he continued in a Messianic Luther King...
Read full storyWoolworths to open again!
After a dramatic turn of fate Woolies is to re-open. William Woolworth, the last of the Woolworths is to start over selling what Woolworths was famous for, wool. In recent times, with help of the recession, wool sales are on the rise. 'People love to...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan: "It Would Be Nice If People Knew The Real Me..Me Too
From all appearances, all that time in the unsolicited spotlight hasn't left Lindsay Lohan unscathed. The frequently hounded star has spoken out exclusively to a whole group of reporters that follow her everywhere she goes! News, relaying that...
Read full storyDavid Letterman Finally Gets Maried
David Letterman said he and long long long longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko had a bumpy trip to matrimony last week, last year, last 23 years in fact. During a taping Monday of CBS' "Late Show," Letterman said he and Lasko married March 19 at the...
Read full storyEngland To Set Up Border Fences And Patrols To Stop Immigrants From Scotland Reaching London To Beg
The UK Government has announced plans to set up a border fence to run parallel with the ancient Roman wall built by Adrian Mole and have armed border guards to patrol it to deter illegal Scottish Immigrants reaching London Tube Stations. "Everyday...
Read full storyUK Terror Threat Rises
The threat to the UK from terrorist groups has increased, according to a new report on counter-terrorism published today. The report said that it had become easier than ever before for such groups to create a "dirty bomb" which could cause widespr...
Read full storySleeper agent discovered under bridge
LOS ANGELES -- Federal prosecutors have charged alleged El Quattro sleeper agent Jimenez Villalobo with lying on official documents and to an FBI agent, failing to register with the Justice Department as a foreign agent and engaging in money launderi...
Read full storyCharles' Margaret Thatcher Infirmary opening coronary for tragic reality monarchy queen
London - (Sordid Tories' Ass Mess): "We found her puking her guts out and writhing in excruciating agony on the throne room floor," a Palace flunkey told reporters following the news that the Queen had had a severe reaction to Prince Charles' offici...
Read full storyFritzl in cheeky lawyer request
It has been revealed today that evil Austrian All-Rounder Jo Fritzl attempted to get representation by a British semi-professional legal company due to their 'No Win; No Fee' policy. CEO Fathima Clalve explained, "We received a phone call from a...
Read full storyRescue plan for hostages slowly coming to fruition
Relief of the 1500 Greenodd residents held hostage by Somali pirates in Mogadishu is materialising day by day. Superintendent Harry "snapper" Organs of Q Division is in charge of forming ideas and coming up with suitable remedies to the ongoing crisi...
Read full storyWar Hero Beaten by Teenage Gang
A war hero was in shock last night as he was beaten by a gang of hoodie clad teenagers in the UK's final of 'Antiques Roadshow - Name your price'. The one off charity special gave the contestants the chance to guess the value of the objects on displa...
Read full storyNation's Toxic Assets to be Stored at Nuclear Waste Facility
President Obama announced today that the nation's toxic assets will be stored at Yucca Mountain Repository, to remain undisturbed for tens of thousand of years. "It is hoped," Obama said, "That by that time somebody will have developed the ways and m...
Read full storyFungal disease team beat India to win the second test.
A major talking point ahead of the second Test between New Zealand and India has been the launch of new fungal team, NZ prepare to launch against India. The pitch for the match starting on Thursday emerged as a potential concern when New Zealand C...
Read full storyIs coffee better than women? We explain why!
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 5. You can always warm coffee up. 6. Coffee comes with endless refills. 7. Coffee is cheaper. 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 9. Coffee never run...
Read full storyWomen In Tech: Ada Lovelace Day
So apparently today is Ada Lovelace Day, when we should "publish a blog post on Tuesday 24th March about a woman in technology whom we admire". This is, of course, something I'm happy to do - many women have driven the advancement of technology over the years. So, in the spirit of the event, I'd like to dedicate this post to a woman who, I feel, contributed significantly to the development of t...
Read full storyIPL vs IPL
Stake Holders: Indian Politician, BCCI, Cricket South Africa, ECB Recent event folding between Indian Politician League and Indian Premiere League is turning out to be an embarrassment for the entire 1.1 billion population if the news source are to be believed. Anyhow the match is going on and I am bring you some of the live commentary of this game directly to your computer no matter where...
Read full storyThe Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman Got Married
CHOTEAU, Montana - The 61-year-old host of The Late Show with David Letterman has married his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko, 48. The newlyweds exchanged vows on March 19, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, a small town of about 1,700 residents northwest of Great Falls. Choteau is noted for three things, nothing, nothing, and nothing. Last November someone stole the to...
Read full storyA Rebuttal to "Jade Goody"
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody. Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody, Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody - Jade Goody Jade Goody Jad...
Read full storyRaspberry Sherbert's Photo of Albino Asshole Wins Picture of the Year
Great novelist and recent renowned corpse Kurt Vonnegut became famous for comparing blood on snow to raspberry sherbert. Now his bastard son by one of the many cartoon figures from the Saturday morning animation, Strawberry shortcake, Raspberry Sherb...
Read full storyStrip Searches of 13 year olds Incorporated in No Child Left Behind
In the final days of the Bush- Whips-Cheney administration, a school regulation allowing the strip search of 13 year olds was wriiten into the NCLB law. Administration lawyers just before they would be unemployed and looking for jobs as deplorers of...
Read full story'Morning-After-Bush-is-No-Longer-President Pill' Sweeps the Nation
A federal judge has decided that the Morning After Bush is No longer president pill (RNTUHAP) should be released to the world wide public. The medicinal formula developed by Less & Less Murkier allows, when taken properly, a clear perspective...
Read full storyBelow Decks - An Aside - The Cook's Reflections
The ship's cook, that mangy scurvy seadog Skoob, slumped over the table, head in hands, looking terribly disturbed, which in truth was not an unfamiliar situation for him. Having battled with the French, navigated the red mist, turned out the most excellent leg of man (with Leeds United tattoos on the skin) Skoob was feeling rather like a man defeated. Upon entering the galley, Bosun McCarth...
Read full storyLegal Age Of Smoking And Drinking To Be Lowered To Help Stimulate Economy
The Government have voted unanimously to lower the age of drinking and smoking to 14 in a bid to aid the ailing economy. Gordon Brown is expected to announce the new measures on Wednesday. A spokesman said "It is a great idea - the more kids we...
Read full storyPresident Obama - an equal opportunity offender!
Los Angeles, CA - President Barack Obama offended many Americans the other night when speaking 'off the cuff' to 'Tonight Show' host, Jay Leno. When asked how he looked while bowling at the White House, the President stated, "It looks like the Speci...
Read full storyPirate Ship Runs Aground - Spielberg In A Blue Funk
Panic ensued today in Hollywoodland as rumours that the much vaunted TheSpoof.com magazine section story, 'Below Decks' was reputed to have run aground. Executive Producer/Director Matt Spielberg was reportedly in 'a blue funk', according to the w...
Read full storyJapan Bombs United States! (again...)
USA - Yesterday, March 22nd, 2009. A date which will live in infamy! The United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the baseball forces of the Empire of Japan. The United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the...
Read full storyAre Manchester United In Meltdown Mode?
Following Manchester United's second defeat in a week, and Liverpool's triumphant resurgence, scoring four against Real Madrid, four at Old Trafford against United, and five at Anfield against Aston Villa, pundits have been asking the question: Ar...
Read full storyGoody stuffed in Unnatural Hystery Museum expo
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Jade Goody is to be stuffed in a new cryptozoology exhibition at London's Unnatural Hystery Museum. The legendary self-publicist's post-taxidermy body will form part of a spectacle of creatures from myths, lege...
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