Prime Minister Gordon Brown today made the ridiculous claim that England is not ruled by Scotland.
'It's ruled by Pakistan and Brussels! Sorry, only joking. No, England is ruled by the English, honestly, it is. When English football fans stopped flying the union flag to please a few immigrants, while you can hardly see Scottish fans at matches behind a sea of their two ancient national flags, that just shows you who rules England.'
'The head of state of England is more Scottish than English, PMs are always Scots now - Tony was born in Edinburgh - other party leaders are either Scottish or have Scottish ancestors - Kennedy, Cameron, Menzies-Campbell - even decent football managers in England are all Scots or foreigners, like Ferguson, Moyes, Benitez, whoever heard of a good English one since Clough? But the idea Scots rule England is absurd.'
And as Mr Brown sent 400 million pounds from England's taxes to Scotland, to build a crappy Parliament building that was budgeted at 40 million, an elderly lady on Waterloo Bridge said: 'The UK has only survived thanks to Scotland's massive oil and gas reserves in the North Sea - they would make Scotland the tenth riches nation in the world if the Union ended - and the millions, if not billions, that come in from taxation on the world's favourite drink of Scotch whisky is another massive earner.'
'Everyone in England wants Scottish doctors, Scottish lawyers and Scottish accountants, and if you need to win wars against Germany the first people the English hire are 'the ladies from hell', the Scottish regiments.'
'But Scotland doesn't rule England, oh no. Even the Scots tongue is now correctly recognised as a seperate language from English - it developed all on its own - Gaelic is thousands of years older than English and still spoken in the Highlands, Scotland is a sovereign, independent nation, and has been since the 900s, and has never been conquered or invaded by anyone. Unlike England, Danes and Normans took it over easily.'
'Scotland has its own monarch, HM the Queen. who by an accident of birth in the 1600s is also Queen of England, Scots Law is used all around the world, including in the USA and Canada, but not England, and the English like the rest of the world need or needed the Scottish inventions of television, telephone, penicillin, anaesthetics, bicycles, stamps, tarmacadam, logarithms, steam engines and digestive bisuits. And they can go to the Scottish-founded Bank of England to get some money, if they want some for a round of golf, played in Scotland as early as the 1400s.'
There are only five million Scots. Scotland doesn't rule England. Honest.
