Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

image for The Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman Got Married
Choteau resident Noah Pennymaker reading The Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman Got Married

CHOTEAU, Montana - The 61-year-old host of The Late Show with David Letterman has married his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko, 48.

The newlyweds exchanged vows on March 19, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, a small town of about 1,700 residents northwest of Great Falls.

Choteau is noted for three things, nothing, nothing, and nothing.

Last November someone stole the town stop sign. The public library has a total of 28 books.

The local Dairy Queen had a drive thru window but they closed it because the noise from the cash register kept scaring the hell out of the horses.

Choteau is so small that a man had an affair with his own wife. They had to import a town drunk from the next town, 18 miles away.

The town sheriff, Dr. Zackariah P. Grouse is also the town gynecologist which is kind of strange because his patients hate the fact that he refers to their hoohas as exhibit C.

The town's lone fire truck is a 1997 Toyota Tundra pickup with a step ladder, pruning shears, and four seltzer bottles in the bed.

The local Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors only has 7 flavors.

And last year the high school football team The Choteau Fighting Crop Rotators went 0-10.

Head coach Todd "Chewing Tobacco" Peafowl said that this year the school board is just going to have to find some money to purchase the team some football helmets because playing without a helmet ain't worth a tinker's damn.

And now...


10. He can't cook, and his new wife can.

9. He wants to join in on the all-American toilet seat up or toilet seat down argument.

8. He finally figured that 13 years was a long enough engagement.

7. His pet guppy just wasn't that much fun anymore.

6. He lost a bet with Regina that Bruce Willis would never marry.

5. He wants to be able to use this phrase in his nightly monologue, "Last night my wife _________."

4. Regina will still be able to keep her same initials, R.L.

3. He heard Regina was going to dump him for Mickey Rourke.

2. He just looks like a husband.

1. Paul Schafer was beginning to look real cute.

So on behalf of everyone at the law firm, of McCovey, Cottonwood, Kashushima, Haywood, & Rodriguez we would like to express our sincerest congratulations to Mr. David "I Don't Need No Stinkin' Pre-Nups" Letterman.

And we would like to leave Mr. Letterman with the infamous and somewhat recent words of Sir Paul McCartney, "No pre-nup! what the %#$*&@ was I thinking???"

No animals were harmed in any way, shape, or form in the compilation of this list.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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