The Winners of "DWTS" "AI" and "BGT" Owe It All To Arkansas
ARKADELPHIA, Arkansas - Once again the little anvil-looking state of Arkansas has shown everyone that its citizens are all definitely 'Team Players,' who not only vote, but vote over, and over, and, over employing their patented Arkansas Power-Voting...
Read full storyThree MP's Actually Aliens: Party Leaders Left In Disarray
It's unlikely Parliament will ever be the same again after yesterday's revelation that three MPs are actually aliens in skin suits. Alien hunter officals were alerted to this alarming discovery by an article in The Daily Telegraph detailing MPs ex...
Read full storyShagnasty to repay 3p overpaid in change by local Newsagent!
City worker & man about town, Teddy Shagnasty has been shamed into returning 3p incorrectly given to him in change by Mr. Khan from the corner shop. Shagnasty's accounting error was discovered by his long suffering German Girlfriend who found...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie's Head Injury Brings Back Memories Of Natasha Richardson
When a stunt malfunction led to Angelina Jolie being rushed to the hospital Friday, there was much concern as the head injury only appeared to be slight but on everyone's mind was the tragic death of Natasha Richardson earlier this year from what app...
Read full storyGuus Hiddink and Susan Boyle are Twins
In a shock announcement today it was revealed that ex-stand-in Chelsea manager Guus Hiddink and Britain's Got Talent runner up Susan Boyle are in fact twin brother and sister. They had been keeping the fact quiet until after their respective finals...
Read full storySusan Boyle's Boyfriend Hurries To Her Side
Susan Boyle, who suffered a nervous breakdown after finishing second at the "Britain's Got Talent" contest, has had her old boyfriend rush to her side in London. Susan, whose location is being hidden at the moment, welcomed her best guy from home...
Read full storySusan Boyle's Relief After Losing 'Talentless' Final
The dowdy Scottish singer, Susan Boyle, who became a worldwide sensation for being so peculiarly normal on the UKs 'Cowell and Morgan Talentless Show', cried with relief last night after coming 2nd in the final. After showing a farewell leg to the...
Read full storyPeople Melt on Hottest Day of Year
A human condition called 'Sun-Melt' is back with a vengeance, after reports of at least 20 people melting on the UKs hottest day of the year. "We have not seen this since the 1977 'Big Heat'," said a London hospital spokesman. The condition attack...
Read full storyAmericans find someone to win a war against
The world was reeling today, though not rocking, as the United States of America finally found a people they could defeat in a war. The Leeward Islands - population 144, industries: sunbathing and swimming, language: vague, vegetation:marijuana, s...
Read full storyChelsea FC part with Carlo Ancelotti
Chelsea FC have sensationally sacked manager Carlo Ancelotti within 6 hours of him being appointed in the role. The 49-year-old Italian left the Rossoneri last night after guiding AC Milan to a third-place finish in Serie A and it was announced this...
Read full story'Sherlock Holmes and the Sherlock Holmes Parodies'
As darkness fell upon London, amateur detective Sherlock Holmes wandered into the living room for his habitual afternoon cup of tea and heron. 'Morning, Holmes', Dr Watson said to him, 'that blasted heron's still sitting on the roof! Shouldn't we go and shoot it, or something?' 'Never mind a blatant and continual drug problem, Witsun', the sleuth replied, his reddened eyes wincing as he put his...
Read full storySusan Boyle Kicked Out Of Scotland
Susan Boyle, the defeated Scottish singing sensation who lost out in Saturday's Britain's Got Talent competition to Diversity, a group of 'streetdancers', has been told she is no longer welcome north of the border, and has been given 7 days to leave...
Read full storyStar Trek Chapter 6: The Trouble With Turse
The Voyage of the Starship Enterprise Chapter Six: The Trouble With Turse Stardate 69670.01 (just before lunch). Captain's log incidental, Captain 'Buck' Kirk reporting. At 06:52 today one of the Enterprise's escape pods was jettisoned unexpectedly after the ship's control system was overridden. The escape pod's trajectory swiftly took it behind the van Halen belt and therefore out of...
Read full storySuBo: The Truth About My Breakdown
'Britain's Got Talent' runner-up, Susan Boyle, has spoken exclusively to me revealing the truth behind her shock admission to celeb nuthouse The Priory. Boyle, 48, spoke exclusively to us revealing the sex-and-drugs tragedy that led to her sensational loss at the 'talent' contest final, and to her subsequent sensational shock admission to the clinic, the final resting place of many a celebrity...
Read full storyDiversity Saves Britain From Satan Cowell!
London- After the final of 'Susan's Got Talent!' on Saturday, scenes of celebration played out across Britain, as it transpired that had Miss Boyle won, the world would immediately have been consumed by hellfire and brimstone. A shady order of Bri...
Read full storyAttempt At Longest Headline In History With As Many Words As Possible For No Apparent Reason Is Made By Spoof Writer
Today, in Springfield, Illinois, an attempt was made at writing the longest headline in history for no apparent reason. At all. Spoof writer Mr Gustav Snardberger said: 'Yes, siree, for too long headlines were just a few words that summarised arti...
Read full storyPrince Harry on being part of a worldwide freak show
'You know, not even gullible Americans wouldn't spot it. I mean, the very people that fought a ruthless war to get rid of British rule, apparently 'welcoming' me. Not even my dad would fall for that load of PR codswallop!' But his mother, Lady Dia...
Read full storyDiversity Admit They Are Shit
Members of Diversity, the dance troupe that emerged victorious from last weekend's Britain's Got Talent competition, have acknowledged that Susan Boyle, not they, should have won the title, and that they, themselves, believe they are shit. And the...
Read full storyAir France Plane In 'Lost' Scenario
Emergency services are this afternoon searching for signs of an Air France jet that disappeared off the north-eastern coast of Brazil, in what has been described as a 'Lost scenario'. Flight AF447 was en route from Rio de Janeiro to Paris, but wa...
Read full storyFrench Airbus vanishes over Bermuda Triangle
Rio de Janeiro - (Merde Alors! Mess): An explosive temporal anomaly over the Atlantic's notorious Bermuda Fryangle sector is being swept by emergency Pentagon surveillance satellites following the disappearance of a French passenger jet today. The...
Read full storyGazza hired as official crier for Arsenal footballer Andrey Arshavin
There is breaking news that Arsenal footballer Andrey Arshavin can't survive a tax rate of 50% on his £4million a year salary. Although he earns in a week the equivalent of two nurses' annual salary, it seems that he really can't afford to live on...
Read full storySusan Boyle Taken To Hospital Singing Clodagh Rogers - I'm Just A Jack In The Box
LONDON, UK - Britain's Got Talent loser, Susan Boyle, was seen being escorted from her Mayfair hotel by ambulance attendants as she was singing the Eurovision 1971, Clodagh Rogers hit, 'I'm Just A Jack In The Box', whilst dressed in bed sheets and a...
Read full storyBrown: I Won't Step Down. Ever.
Prime Mincer Gordon Brown said today he would not step down, despite polls showing NuLieBore could slump to a humiliating (and well-deserved) last place in European Elections this week. Brown, struggling to assert any authority after the MPs expen...
Read full storyPrime Minister announces extraordinary parliamentary reforms
In a bold move the Prime Minister announced today reforms which will change the Mother of all Parliaments forever. Mr Gordon Brown said that the new reforms will not only clean up the current parliament but also save taxpayers £25 bln over a thirty y...
Read full storyAmanda Holden to host Britain's Got MILF in the nude!
After her success on BGT, Amanda Holden, 43 has proposed the idea to her friend Simon who seemed mildly interested, yet thoroughly opposed to the idea. Amanda, 40 who is famous for marrying Les Dennis and turning him into a figure that now resemb...
Read full storyThe Good News
The good news is that there is no news today - Today is extraordinary. It is the first day ever with no news. It seems that everyone has become bored with listening to or reading or watching "the news" since they realised that it does not represent l...
Read full storyDarling's Position Under Threat
Pressure is growing on the Chancellor, Captain Darling, to quit his post following a series of damaging revelations over the weekend. Coming hard on the heels of allegations that he 'flipped' his second home designation forty times in four years,...
Read full storyCowell Confirms 2010 'Britain's Got' Series
Sausage-factory TV talent impresario Simon Cowell has insisted that there will be another series of 'Britain's Got Issues', despite controversy and problems in the run-up to this years' Final. The 2009 show, which saw a 10-year-old girl suffer an...
Read full storyBye-bye, miss American pie
Based on a protocol signed between me, the devil, and my half-brother Tom o Bedlam, a.k.a. the virtuous, I had no choice but to take over the helm of the world. Of course, to fool the masses kind of a coup de'etat was needed. Now, it's time for him to piss off. Can you believe it: 3000 consecutive years? Anyway, I lost patience. Besides, what are brothers for? During these long years, the main...
Read full storyBrutal Bobbies to Stand Trial
London's police department was once known for its good manners, sel-control, lack of weapons and victimization by every petty crook in the city. apparently times have changed as British Bobbies will be appearing in the dock in London's courts for the...
Read full storyIranian Presidential Candidates Debate Facebook vs MySpace
Mir Hussein Moussavi, the challenger with support from the Iranian youth mocked hardline President Ahmadinejad for his use of MySpace. "MySpace, MyAss, Ahamdinejad is such an old fashion fool who stilluses the oldest and lamest social networking s...
Read full storyMiss California and Donald Trump Elope for No Sex Marriage
Miss California tripped over her fake boobs and fell into the waiting arms the The Donald Trump. Trump defended the Beauty Queen and childhood porn star for her medieval views on live and let live matters in the realm of marriage. Miss C is repor...
Read full storyPirate Uses Strap-on Dildo as Pegleg
A Long John Silvers employee/pirate, who asked to remain anonymous, used his girlfriend's strap-on dildo as a pegleg after his girlfriend broke his pegleg while using it as a strap-on dildo. "Blimey," stated the pirate, "Me scurvy dog first mate l...
Read full storyEgyptian Man Cuts Off His Penis For Deli
CAIRO -- An Egyptian man has cut off his own penis and presented it at his local delicatessen in order that they might pickle it for a take-away snack. Police say the man entered the local Subway restaurant and was told that they were out of cold...
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