Susan Boyle's Relief After Losing 'Talentless' Final

Funny story written by Lord Bonzo

Monday, 1 June 2009

image for Susan Boyle's Relief After Losing 'Talentless' Final
Susan Boyle's An Egg

The dowdy Scottish singer, Susan Boyle, who became a worldwide sensation for being so peculiarly normal on the UKs 'Cowell and Morgan Talentless Show', cried with relief last night after coming 2nd in the final.

After showing a farewell leg to the audience, she ran to the dressing-room and sobbed her eyes out in sheer relief, said a source.

"Susan told Simon Cowell that she would commit suicide if the public voted her as the winner. She had found the pressure of being in the limelight too great." This source continued, "Susan's behaviour had dramatically got worse this week. She spent her days boiling, frying, poaching and even singing to eggs."

After a recent fracas with journalists and being close to a nervous breakdown, 48-year-old Susan was whisked off to a secret hide-away with a close friend after reaching "The Talentless" semi-finals.

"I became very concerned for her mental health," said the friend. "Susan was acting quite bizarrely at times. Most days, she fried at least 40 eggs; boiled a further 50; and poached around 70. She didn't eat any of them but merely gave the food away to passing vagrants."

As a child Susan kept several chickens as pets but was traumatised when the favourite called 'Cluck-Cluck' was killed by her mother. "One day she came home from school and was given chicken for dinner," continued the friend. "It was only at the end of the meal that Susan was told she had just eaten Cluck-Cluck!"

Boyle's erratic behaviour finally boiled over when an hour before the final, she threw eggs at the judges.

"Simon was not best pleased," smiled the source. "Fortunately, his butler carries six suits wherever he goes. Piers Morgan, on the other hand, can only afford one so had to clean it himself."

After dosing Boyle up on tranquillisers, a decision was made to make the dance group 'Diversity' winners. At moments of emergency, ITV call on the population of China to vote. "They're told to phone the specific 'Talentless' number of the chosen artist to gain a prize," explained a show insider. "This ploy has been successfully used since UK phone-in competitions began - in case something goes wrong."

These prizes include Prince Charles mugs; A picture of the Queen; and a biro with an image of Prince Harry.

"They are very popular with the Chinese," continued the insider. "Some have amassed large collections of Royal merchandise."

Meanwhile, Boyle has been whisked off to the celebrity re-hab clinic 'The Priory' for a condition called "eghaustion".

"She will be weaned off the eggs," said a spokesman. "And helped to relearn what a normal life is."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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