Pressure is growing on the Chancellor, Captain Darling, to quit his post following a series of damaging revelations over the weekend.
Coming hard on the heels of allegations that he 'flipped' his second home designation forty times in four years, employed someone to carry around the bags of cash he'd made in expenses and claimed a second-home allowance on 11 Downing Street while actually letting the property to 113 Albanian illegal immigrants, the damaging new information revealed today could spell the end of his career as Gordon Brown's glove-puppet.
A leaked document from the Fees Office shows that Darling has claimed an incredible £427,013 since 2007 on 'Just For Men', claiming the cost under 'eyebrow upkeep and maintenance costs'. This was supplemented by a £31,942 claim in 2008 for a set of hedge-trimmers, under the same expense category.
The second, more damaging, allegation centres around the Chancellor's relationship with the Prime Minister. Information obtained under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that since the 2009 Budget, the Chancellor's arse has lost the ability to grip, and Darling reportedly now slips off the Prime Minister's arm too easily, making it hard for Gordon to do his ventriloquism act.
Though the PM has publicly backed Darling, saying, "Alistair's sphincter is still tight enough to grip ma wrist", sources within the Cabinet have hinted that Brown is seeking to replace Darling with Ed 'Blinky' Balls, whose ability to flex his sphincter in time to Doris Day songs has long been a hit with both Gordon Brown and Peter Mandelson.