'You know, not even gullible Americans wouldn't spot it. I mean, the very people that fought a ruthless war to get rid of British rule, apparently 'welcoming' me. Not even my dad would fall for that load of PR codswallop!'
But his mother, Lady Diana, Princess of Sleeping With Anything If It Moves, disagreed. 'Look, just because I shagged anyone and everything, even my horse, doesn't mean I've produced a couple of freaks as my offspring. And don't forget, their father is my second cousin, twice inbred.'
Some have suggested that an upper class, inbred freak shouldn't be in the news at all, and indeed shouldn't receive a small fortune for simply being an upper class freak, but Lady Diana again disagreed.
'When one, you know, is an upper class freak, well, what can one do? One has to do the decent thing, and marry one's cousin, and then shag everyone else one can, don't you know. I was only unfaithful twice - once with James Hewitt, and once with the entire male population of the United Kingdom. Plus India.'
Not even the celebrity-obsessed citizens of the United States of America are even vaguely interested in the appearance of an upper class freak. Enough to make you start drinking coffee, instead of tea.
