Chuckle Brothers to lead HBOS
Alistair Darling has today installed leading children's TV entertainers The Chuckle Brothers ("to me, to you") as joint CEO's of Halifax/Bank of Scotland with immediate effect. The pair, real names Antoine and Julius Fitzroy-Chuckle have absolute...
Read full storyRoss, Wilcox to head ITV Spring Schedules
Johnathon Ross is to present a new ITV show, insiders have announced. Titled "Ross's Rollicking Rock and Roll Revival Revue", the show will be seen as a positive step in the 49-year-old's rehabilitation after the "Sachsgate" affair. ITV bosses, al...
Read full storyTruck Nuts Really Are Reproductive Organs
Drive around anywhere in Rural America and you will see pick-up trucks with something hanging from the trailer hitch. Called truck nuts, truck testicles, trailer balls, and many other names, these dangling items look like a scrotum containing two 'n...
Read full storyTheSpoof.com Announces Big Writer Layoffs
TheSpoof.com, the leading pundit for making the politicians that run our lives miserable, has announced that it will be making huge layoffs in 2009. Citing both a down turned economy and the loss of its greatest source of US material, the Bush admini...
Read full storyStocks & Shares Advice
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company. Due to uncertain market conditions,...
Read full storyObama Brushes Off "Slave Trade Issue"
On his accession to the American "throne" Barack Obama has been informed that the state of Virginia's General Assembly is to withdraw its unanimous and "profound regret" for the state's role in the slave trade. Virginia one of the American states...
Read full storyTop 10 Ways To Improve Your Life
Everybody wants to make their life a little better. We've sent out a score of interviewers, and had them talk to blokes wandering around aimlessly in front of our building, and composed a list of the top 10 ways for anyone to make their life better. * Win The Lottery * Marry A Rich Person * Get A Job * Drive A Sports Car * Eat More Oysters * Cure A Major Disease * Change Identity With S...
Read full storyThree Wise Monkeys Statues to Change with Obama Presidency
The famous three wise monkeys symbol, representing "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," will be changed in view of the media's attitude towards President Barack Obama and his carte blanche attitude and actions. The symbol of three wise monk...
Read full storyFlorida priests' stolen $800 million collection plate funds vanish in Madoff Ponzi scam
West Palm Beach, Fla - (OMFG! Mess): Two Catholic priests who stole more than $800 million over the last 20 years from St Vincent Ferret's Church collection plates have lost all the filthy lucre in Bernie Madoff's Off-the-Wall-Street Ponzi scam. F...
Read full storyFlorida Sinks Into The Sea!
Aggressive sand mining techniques in central Florida have finally tipped the scale. Late yesterday afternoon, a sand mine in Keystone Heights was accidentally dug through the bottom of the state, allowing the Atlantic Ocean to rush in. By The star...
Read full storyTop 15 Worst Selling Books Of 2008
According to the New York Times, these are the worst selling books of 2008 as listed by their publishers: 15. The Joy Of Sox 14. Winnie's Cooking With Pooh 13. Chicken Shit For The Soil 12. Mr. Toad's Make Love Not Warts 11. Horton Can't Hear Himself Fart 10. Twenty Centuries Of Pope Humor 9. A Proctologist's Guide To Goose Hunting 8. Dealing With Howler Monkeys Near Th...
Read full storyM-Theory Proven With Lost Socks
Socks that become lost in your washer or dryer are now being investigated as indisputable proof that M-theory is, indeed, a valid hypothesis to explain all existence. Apparently, vibration along the strings that make up all matter in the universe...
Read full storyIs It Love?
The question of whether a person loves us or not is as old as civilization, and probably even older. But for all that being around for thousands of years, it remains one of the most difficult things to ascertain in our daily lives. Margaret Foley has published a new book, "Examining the Emotions," which finally tells us how to recognize love as the real thing, using nothing more elaborate than...
Read full storyUS cosmetic surgeons inundated with requests from American men to have their ears "enlarged to look like Prez. Obama". Prince Charles thrilled to bits!
LOS ANGELES - Cosmetic surgeons in the US are being deluged with requests from American men to have their ears enlarged "to look like Prez Obama". Dr. Wyatt Eardley. Chief of Surgery at a well-known Hollywood clinic said "There has been such a rev...
Read full storySir David Frost reveals Nixon interview secrets
Following the recent release of the "Frost/Nixon" movie, which recounts the interviews in which Sir David Frost interviewed former President Nixon in 1977, Sir David has today recalled some of the lesser known parts of the interview saga. Frost fi...
Read full storyToxic shock death of French ex-President Chirac's poodle
Paris - (Shaggy Dog Mess): Former French President Jacques Chirac's lapdog 'Sarko' has died of toxic poisoning after biting his master. The feisty little mutt had been on prescription quaaludes for the last six months after developing spontaneous...
Read full storyDid the BBC 'Spooks' series accidentally out Michelle Obama?
London - (Spooky Mess): Did the BBC's gripping espionage series 'Spooks' inadvertantly out US First Lady Michelle Obama as a Russian spy? That is the latest intelligence poser baffling the US Joint Chiefs of Stuff after they viewed the UK spy dra...
Read full storyCriminal Caught On Facebook
In Wellington, New Zealand police have arrested a safe burglar by using the popular social website Facebook, not only to identify him, but also track him down. Queenstown police in southern New Zealand posted security-camera footage and pictures...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh: "I Hope Obama Fails"
CLEVELAND, Ohio - Conservative talk show host, political commentator, and basic GOP crybaby Rush Limbaugh told Fox TV host Sean Hannity that he hopes the new president fails. Limbaugh who is 58, is visibly upset with himself because he has allowed...
Read full storyHow To Spot If Your Bank Is In Trouble
Worried your bank might be in difficulty? Top financial experts have revealed a foolproof guide into how to spot the tell-tale signs. The first thing to look for, they say, is does it have the word "Bank" in it's title? If it does then you can be pretty sure, yes it is having financial trouble, and could implode at any minute. If you are worried about your bank, they recommend that you go to...
Read full storyBeyonce Has Original Idea - Jay Z Steps Back In Amazement
The fact that Beyonce Knowles today had an original idea left the showbiz elite in La La Land in tatters. "I don't believe a word of this," Shakira told me. "That woman's been imitating me since at least the year 2002." Jennifer Lopez joined in...
Read full storyOprah Winfrey Lends The U.S. $2 Billion
CHICAGO, Illinois - Talk show host, media mogul, and the new Secretary of The Treasury Oprah Winfrey has just announced that she is personally lending the United States government $2 billion. Ms. Winfrey, owns five mansions in five different state...
Read full storyObama "Hits The Ground Running" On First Day In Office
President Barack Obama "hit the ground running" on his first day in office, but alert Secret Service agents caught up with him halfway across the White House lawn and brought him back. "He never even got close to the fence." said Secret Service...
Read full storyRoss Returns to TV Screens
Chat-show host Jonathan Ross is set to return to our screens tomorrow, following his three-month suspension by the BBC over the 'Sachsgate' phone-message scandal. Ross, whose estuary-accented quips have garnered him millions of fans and millions o...
Read full storyObama Sworn In A Second Time After Chief Justice "Flubs" Oath
President Barack Obama was sworn in for a second time yesterday after concerns that Chief Justice Robert's stumble over the oath of office might pave the way for Obama's historic inauguration to be challenged. "It is important that America, and...
Read full storyChurchill dog put down
The bulldog that has appeared in Churchill insurance television adverts for years has been put down. Its owner, Mr. Victor Reeves, said:'Yes, I had to do it. For many years Churchill was Britain's favourite dog, bringing a smile to people's faces...
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brother Verne Troyer Is Favourite To Stay Small
As Celebrity Big Brother approaches its exciting conclusion on Friday night, bookmakers have made Verne Troyer, the Hollwood movie star midget dwarf-type person, favourite to still be small long after the show has finished. Verne, who stands only...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp & Tottenham Hotspur To Star In 'Carry On Up Wembley Way'
News from White Hart Lane today that haggard-looking Tottenham Hotspur boss, Harry Redknapp, is to star in the first decent new film in the 'Carry On' series for more than 30 years. The film, titled Carry On Up Wembley Way, is a send-up of Spurs c...
Read full storyPlant A Tree For Cleaner Air
I recently made myself some friends and enemies when I undertook to make my town a little greener. It seems that some people were not pleased by the planting of several 20 year old oaks in the center of Main Street last Saturday. I guess no matter how hard you try, people will prefer to stick to their own personal agendas, like trying to flee the tornado that tore through south of town, resulti...
Read full storyNorman's Green Car
A friend of mine drove up to the house last week in his old Dodge, but it was sporting a brand new leaf green paint job. We talked about it for quite a while, and I even complimented him on the even coating he had achieved using a short nap paint roller. In the end, though, I was forced to break the news to him that "going green" means something a little different. All things considered, this w...
Read full storyLocal Inventor Ridiculed
Deerfield, Iowa - "Red" Ryder has been publicly ridiculed in his hometown of Dry Springs again this week. Apparently his application for a patent on his new self-powered automatic lawn mower has been rejected for a very unusual reason: Patents can't include the use of a live animal. "Red," who was disappointed by the rejection of his fifth patent application this year, stood outside the local p...
Read full storyHamas Hit The Road
In what is being hailed as an unprecedented stroke of world good fortune, Hamas rockets fired into Israeli territory stopped early today. After several hours of excruciating quiet, several spies were sent through well-known infiltration tunnels to de...
Read full storyNew Study: Wetter Air Means Dumber People
In a groundbreaking study that has lasted more than ten years, CalTech researchers have proven that the human IQ is affected by fluctuations in humidity. This discovery, which culminates the total invasion of 1000 ordinary people's lives for the enti...
Read full storyTom Cruise films survive another assassination plot
Today in Germany, an eleventh assassination plot against Tom Cruise films failed. Some have found it almost miraculous that Cruise's films - that have become more and more extreme and intolerant to audiences over the years - have not yet been killed...
Read full storyBarack Obama, The Second Black US President In History
History was in the making yesterday as Barack Obama, the first black US President in history, was sworn in again, making him the second black US President in history. The Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, John Roberts, administered the oath a...
Read full storyRevealed, why the roads are busy in the rain
A nationwide traffic survey conducted over the past ten years has revealed what many people already knew: There is more traffic when it rains. "It's a peculiarly British phenomena," said Kara Vanette, from the Office of Traffic Control. "No other...
Read full storyCupcakes are back
They're back! Cupcakes are on the market again, and they're back with a vengeance. No more nice cupcake - these cupcakes are mean! Watch out when you're taking off their paper - they will give you a paper cut! They'll piss in your mouth while y...
Read full storyBoy George: "Hey Guys, Wanna See My CD?"
LONDON, England - England's newest convict is none other than George Alan O'Dowd, aka Boy George, ex-member of The Culture Club. Boy George who is 47, has been sentenced to 15 months in Prison. He is currently incarcerated in London's Petula Clark...
Read full storySesame Street's Big Bird Missing Since US Airways Hudson River Cruise
Yellow feathers found in the engines of the US airways flight that transformed itself into the first Hudson River Cruise ship suggest that PBS's Sesame Street star Big Bird may have been the cause or innocent victim of the airline crash. Public t...
Read full storyObama meets the first test of his Presidency: A Jonas Bothers' panty raid on the White House sleepover party
Washington, DC - Early this morning behind closed doors of the Oval Office of the White House, the Jonas Brothers finally got to meet the new president of the United States of America, Barack Obama, like they wanted. Only it was not under the idyllic...
Read full storyObama Thrown Off "So You Think You can Dance!"
Barack Obama, America's supposed cool new dude presidente, has suffered a sudden blow in the first night of his presidente-ncy. Unbeknownced to the new Black in chief, the judges of TV hit show, So You Think You Can dance, were scoring the ballroom d...
Read full storyAmerica Not Perfect Going into Obama's 2nd day; Bring Back Bush Movement Mounted
Famously fickle Americans with attention spans framed by a commercial every twelve minutes for three generations have abandoned Barack Obama after one and a half days in office. US voter and sunspot collector, Joel Blink said that he voted for...
Read full storyObama Slips That Castro Paid Him to Leave Guantanamo Bay
Obama accidentally let it slip to reporters that Fidel Castro paid a one billion dollar contribution to his campaign contingent on the new President getting the United States to abandon Guantanamo Bay within a year. Gitmo, as it is known to soldiers...
Read full storyRosie O'Donell Breaks Roseanne Barr's Record
Rosie O'Donnell has now entered the Guiness Book or World Records and other history books as she has broken a record held previously by Roseanne Barr. The former talk show host and now militant lesbian is now responsible for more derections than any...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Allergic to Pimple Cream
Singer and actress Miley Cyrus, who plays title character Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel, is the idol of little girls and the object of affection for teenage boys all around the world. Imagine, then, the total outpouring of angst and sympathy...
Read full storyClinton Cabinet Urges Obama to Give The San Andreas Fault a Little Help @ Disappear Pelosi!
Sacramento/CA/ German-American Science News - Barely in power one day, and the Clinton Cabinet surrounding President Barack O'Bama is urging an immediate surgical strike to cut off the powerful opposition led by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Sena...
Read full storyFlorida Fitness at Flamingo
A whole new breed of physical fitness has been discovered near the southern tip of Florida, and it comes with four legs, and six legs, and sometimes no legs at all. Each morning the exercise routine begins with extricating large and sometimes poisonous snakes from the public showers, an exercise that is equal to a three hour cross country jog. But that's just the beginning, and your Florida fit...
Read full storyBroken Russian Satellite Preps Radioactive Aliens
Once again, America has to stop Russia from aiding an invasion from outer space. After an old Soviet-built nuclear-powered satellite started spewing fragments of possible nuclear coolant, Russian scientists rushed to emphasize that the satellite is b...
Read full storyScientists in new colour discovery
Scientists at the prestigious University of York say that they have discovered a new colour. Although normally outside the human range, like infra-red, the new colour can be viewed with special glasses. Describing the find as "momentous", Vice-Ch...
Read full storyKey To World Peace Discovered - And Lost
In an unprecedented find this week, U.S. Army soldiers stationed in a remote region of Iraq stumbled across ancient cave dwellings. The caves are thought to have been inhabited by civilized humans as much as 25 thousand years ago. But what was truly...
Read full storyMan arrested for stealing thousands of letters
When police called at the home of former "Scrabble" factory worker Reg Fox on an un-related matter, they couldn't believe their eyes. Reg, who has worked at the plant in Llandovery for 35 years, had hoarded an estimated one million plastic tiles,...
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