Old Drug-Sniffing Dogs Now Junkies
CORAL REEFER, CA - In a scathing report released today by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), the nation's law enforcement and drug control agencies were accused of leading drug-sniffing dogs into a life of booze, sex, and addiction.
Read full storyPiers Morgan: Would rather 'Prick his Boyle' than 'Boyle his Prick'
Piers Morgan has defended his comments on Wednesday at a charity lunch when he was rumored to have told a reporter that Susan Boyle 'lives in a metal cage' and 'looks like a Gorilla with Scurvy'. In typical fashion, Morgan has backed down over the...
Read full storyTexas Secedes from Union - Joins Mexico!
The state of Texas today seceded from the United States and joined with Mexico, a nation it had once fought for independence from at the Alamo. Governor Rick Perry, disgruntled with the economic politics of President Obama and dreaming of the wonderf...
Read full storyEconomy is fine, sky is green says Obama
Washington, D.C. - Top scientists and economists joined President Barack Obama today at the White House and announced two stunning revelations. Economic: Barack Obama's top economic advisors say that the economy is better than it was 10 years ago.
Read full storyBNP Ethnicity Standards Are Bullshit, Says Woods
Nick Griffin, the leader of the British National Party, a guest on the BBC Radio 5 Live show this morning, has come in for some strong criticism from one of the show's listeners over his ridiculous explanation of what it takes for someone to be consi...
Read full storyRoy Keane Targetting Promotion THIS SEASON!
New Ipswich Town manager, Roy Keane, got right down to business this afternoon when, during a Press conference to make his appointment official, the ex-Sunderland boss told reporters that he would be targetting immediate promotion from the Championsh...
Read full storyAliens made me what I am says Susan Boyle
London - (X-Files Mess): Cloned in a hideous alien experiment from a hybridised freak ovum supplied by Queen Elizabeth II..... and fertilised by a rogue spermatozoon ejaculated by one of the Bush family gangsters? That's the conclusion of the CIA'...
Read full storyJade - The Musical. Disaster Looming.
Reality TV took a new step forwards with the announcement that a TV show seeking the future star of a musical about the late Jade Goody will hit the screens later in the year. Graham Norton has already agreed to host the show and it is likely he w...
Read full storyObama - "UK Has It's Own Area 51 - The All New Virgin Galactic Spaceport!"
If you're looking for the latest in hush-hush experimental intergalactic space flights, look no further than the new "UK's Area 51". Last week, local radio station DW Communications from Oban reported that the Loughead Spacecraft Manufacturing Com...
Read full storyShame of Everton FA Cup ticket allocation
Everton fans have been devastated today as the FA announced the number of tickets that the club would receive for its fans ahead of the FA Cup final against Chelsea. The FA has had a history of allocating a high number to corporate partners howeve...
Read full storyEarth's "Earth Day" Message: "Get the hell off me!"
While President Obama used Earth Day to push a "Green Jobs" agenda, the Earth itself sent a mass e-mail urging humanity to develop the technology to move elsewhere. "You guys are worst than head-lice," the message said in part. "The dinosaurs kep...
Read full storyShaheen Jafargholi should be thrown off 'Britain's Got Talent' for being a professional
Shaheen Jafargholi 12 years 7 months, has been vilified by adults with nothing better to do with their lives, because he is actually a professional entertainer. It's now emerged Shaheen 67, has appeared on Casualty, Torchwood and that classic CB...
Read full storySusan Boyle: Has Billy Bob Thornton Actually Proposed Marriage?
Has she or has she not had her eyebrows done or not? That WAS the question...until a still bigger one suddenly exploded on the scene. What was the big Susan Boyle question of the day? In paparazzi pics from photo agency Pacific Coast News taken ea...
Read full storyLady Gaga to appear in award-winning U.K. series
U.S. Superstar Lady Gaga is set to appear on the award-winning drama "Waterloo Road" in an attempt to save face. The twenty three year old GRAMMY nominated singer, (real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) was reported to have been "in pools...
Read full storyBrad Pittza & Angela Raviolie accused of abandoning their Adopted kids!
Italy is flabbergasted and shocked by the news that a very strange couple entered a rundown pizza joint somewhere in bella Italia, ordered treble margaritas for the 3 nippers and then done a runner. The local Carabinieri after interviewing the sha...
Read full storyMasochists Swarm London to 'Meet The Met'
London, Today. - Police and tourist chiefs are reporting an influx of antagonistic masochistic visitors to London. Hatchet faced Kirsty Thunt(34+4), of the London Tourist board said she had witnessed a large increase in the numbers of 'giggly,...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent Cheating Scandal
Fans of the ITV show Britain's Got Talent have been rocked by an alleged cheating scandal. Viewers have been stunned by the performances of several newcomers over the last two weeks, but detractors have now alleged that a major 'hoodwinking' exerc...
Read full storyVince Cable Lays Cable
Liberal Democrat economic spokesman, Vince Cable, caused upset and embarrassment amongst other members of the House of Commons this afternoon when, after he had visited the gents toilets, it was discovered he had laid a huge 'cable' - and not bothere...
Read full storyDonald Trump Offers Susan Boyle A Makeover
NEW YORK CITY - The Money, Money, Money Man, aka Donald Trump has offered to pay for Susan Boyle to have a complete makeover. The Donald said that he will fly "The Scottish Songstress" to Manhattan and he will have his personal hairdresser Mr. FuF...
Read full storyLast UK Wheelbarrow Manufacturer Files for Bankruptcy!
The recession has claimed yet another British manufacturing victim today. The last remaining UK Wheelbarrow manufacturer; Smegma & Sons of Barrow-in-the-Shite up north have gone into receivership. A spokesperson for the receivers; Wrott &am...
Read full storySusan Boyle's Praises Come In From Paige To Outer Limits
Unlikely internet celebrity Susan Boyle has received a warm-heartedmessage of support from the star she would most like to emulate - Elaine Paige. "I was completely bowled over", states Paige. "I mean, LOOK at her!" Susan Boyle has become an ov...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse's Song 'I've Got Your Stimulus Package' Is # 1
LONDON - Amy Winehouse's latest single, "I've Got Your Stimulus Package" has just hit the number one position on both The American Top 40 Music Chart, and The British Top 40 Music Chart. The 25-year-old soulful, eclectic songstress has had more up...
Read full storyRednecks of America To Billy Bob Thornton - "Shut Up Already!"
Cletus Huckabee IV, President of the Redneck Association of America, has one thing to say to actor, screenwriter, performer Billy Bob Thornton. "SHUT THE F*&% UP". After enduring the scorn of millions of Youtubers for his scornful treatment of...
Read full storyWhite House Capitulates on Right Lane ban
Washington, D.C. Amid a storm of protest The Obama administration has quietly scrapped plans to enforce a Department of Transportation ruling banning right-hand lanes on the nations highways and byways. The doomed program, which would have reconf...
Read full story21 Polo Horses Die - Toker Blamed
WELLINGTON, Fla. [UPI] The death of 21 polo horses at a competition in Florida this past weekend has confounded a team of veterinarians but fingers are pointing to a rather unique suspect - Garth 'Happy' Bronstein, Polo Player. Garth, or as his co...
Read full storyBudget Feedback: Wayne Rooney angry at Tax Increase
The income tax increase for the highest earners does not mark the end of New Labour, Gordon Brown has insisted. A 50p rate for earnings over £150,000, being brought in from next April, was a key part of Wednesday's Budget. The Tories - who dubb...
Read full storyInternational Monetary Fund Puts Britain on eBay!
Following a disastrous budget yesterday which will lead to total bankruptcy and civil war, the IMF lost patience with its biggest debtor and placed the entire assets and population of GB PLC on eBay. The pathetic budget, delivered by the most inco...
Read full storyApril 24th to be Dragon's Day
The British Government has announced that in the interests of fairness and to comply with the essence of anti-discrimination legislation, April 24th will now be deemed to be Dragon's Day. They are concerned that pressure to celebrate Saint George'...
Read full storyRafael Benitez apologises to Sir Alex Ferguson and Sam Allardyce
Rafael Benitez confounded his critics by apologising to Alex Ferguson and Sam Allardyce at a hastily convened press conference earlier today. The normally calm and business like Benitez looked emotional as he said, "When I reviewed the footage fr...
Read full storyOutrage Over US Ban on Right Hand Lanes
Washingto D.C. - An angry backlash over new Department of Transportation rules eliminating right-hand lanes has White House officials scrambling to do damage control. The new rules which ban the lanes on all highways and byways in the United States h...
Read full storySpecial rich strain of avian flue identified
Scientists working on new strains of the avian flu have separated a strain that appears to be selective towards rich folk. It is called CUL8ER, and appears to incubate in the wallet. One of the genetic constituents is a silk worm, which is cert...
Read full storyWorld's Sexiest Woman Named by World's Sexist Men
Readers of FHM magazine have voted a British girl as the World's Sexiest Woman. Cheryl Cole tops the poll and is the first British winner for three years. Controversially, it is the fifteenth time in a row that a woman has taken the title, prompt...
Read full storyNew Zealand Public Service Association Secretary Probably Deranged
New Zealand: - Questions are being asked about the lucidity of Public Service Association national secretary Richard Wagstaff after he issued a statement that seemed completely off the wall. The statement was "Our concern is that job cuts in the p...
Read full storySusan Boyle Visits Hairdresser
Susan Boyle, the 47-year-old virgin singing sensation, has taken the advice of media style gurus who told her she was 'a bit nunty' and given her dour image a re-vamp. The unemployed and sexless church worker attended an appointment at one of Lond...
Read full storyAmerica's Got No Talent - Cowell's idea for a new TV show is labelled racist
A giant mansion on the Canaries with its own postcode - Simon Cowell has announced he will be launching a brand new TV show in Canada called America's Got No Talent which we will be followed up by the Scottish version England's Got No Talent, the Eng...
Read full storyZimbabwe Has Most Millionaires & Billionaires
World Press - Zimbabwe officially has more millionaires than any other country in the world. In fact, over 90% of the population is a millionaire. And 35 people out of the Forbes Top 100 Billionaires List are Zimbabweans. Zowie Zulu, a residen...
Read full storyPenelope Cruz breaks her silence over break-up with Tom Cruise
Malaga, Spain - It's been three years since actress/model Penelope Cruz and the world's leading scientist, Tom Cruise, went their separate ways. Now, Penelope has finally decided to break her silence about the painful break-up, in exchange for $1m...
Read full storyRonnie Biggs Waterboarding Denied
Great Train robber, Ronnie Biggs, is at the centre of a new controversy this morning, after prison staff at the establishment where he is completing his 30-year sentence, denied claims from local residents that he had been the recipient of Waterboard...
Read full storyWillie Nelson To Record A Duet With Shaheen Jafargholi
AUSTIN - Country music legend Willie Nelson has agreed to record a duet with the wonderboy from Wales, 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi. Nelson who is 75-years-old has recorded with nearly every well-known singer in existence from Dolly Parton and L...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Dumps Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai
HOLLYWOOD - Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai were both sent packing in a double elimination American Idol Show. The 24-year-old Rounds, who many media members say is aptly named is perhaps the American Idol contestant who changed in appearance more than...
Read full storySusan Boyle audition-video sans talkover
The producers of Britain's Got Talent have finally responded to a flood of viewer requests and an online petition asking them to release an uninterrupted mike and camera feed of Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserable. Petitione...
Read full storyBoyle: Don't miss the point of kissing!
Susan Boyle, after a week in which she received several offers of a first kiss and gave "no comment" about whether she had yet received one, has finally spoken. "Aren't people missing the point of kissing? If I wanted to be kissed so badly I could...
Read full storyMahmoud Ahmadinejad's Bar Mitzvah held in Israel
Jerusalem Israel: The world was greatly surprised to learn of a Bar Mitzvah ceremony held here for the former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu and the entire Israeli cabinet attended. Prior to...
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