Leona Baxter Annoyed At Her Cover Being Blown
3-year-old Leona Baxter, the MI6 agent who jumped down a storm drain in Durham, in an attempt to capture an enemy agent, is livid at media bosses who in reporting the story, mentioned her name, and have, allegedly, blown the little girl's cover. E...
Read full storyParticle Accelerator To Be Switched On By The Krankies
The long awaited particle accelerator thingy on the France Swiss border is to be activated by the Krankies it was announced today. A spokesman announced 'We had a number of options for people we wanted to switch on the Doomsday experiment. People...
Read full storyRev. Al Sharpton Reacts To Rumor Don Imus Bought a Hoe!
From the Garden of Imus's Conn. Home/NY Daily News! - The Reverend Al has gone ballistic AGAIN after reading in the NY Times Garden Section that talk show Jock Don Imus has violated the terms of his NAACP Probation by buying a Hoe to till his vegetab...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Will Sing 'God Damn America' On 'Oprah' Tomorrow
Chicago Il-- Michelle Obama, the beautiful, talented spouse of The One will appear on 'Oprah' tomorrow. It will be Michelle's professional singing debut. She is already adored by billions. She is gifted beyond all human understanding. Only The One i...
Read full storyHull City Manager Phil Brown To Be Punished By FA
Phil Brown, the Hull City boss, has become the first manager to be charged by the FA with misconduct, arising out of an event during the 5-0 home defeat by Wigan on August 30th, when Brown kicked a water bottle. Under the FA's new 'Respect' progra...
Read full storyAfter dumping Clintons, Obama Dems now beg Hillary to rescue them! Hillaristas say "It's like sending the iceberg to rescue the Titanic"
GROVELBURG, ILLINOIS: How the mighty have fallen! After dumping on Billary, polarizing the Dem electorate, bullying super delegates, pissing off women voters and claiming to be America's true savior, the great Obama machine has had to eat crow and...
Read full storyCroatia Game May Be Capello's Last
England manager Fabio Capello is under pressure today after his teams' inept performance in the 2-0 win over Andorra, and knows that a similar performance against Croatia on Wednesday may bring the curtain down on his reign in charge. England had...
Read full storyAl Gore gagged Pentagon research into UFO cause of global warming says Alien Hunter
Washington AC/DC - (ET Mess): Alien Hunter Derrel Sims has emerged as Pentagon hacker Gary McKinnon's accomplice after declassified FBI files revealed today that Al Gore gagged US military research connecting UFO activity to the rise in global warmin...
Read full storyObama plans Brand revenge
Presidential candidate Barack Obama was shocked to hear of Russell Brand's endorsement at the MTV VMA's ceremony. "I was chillin in my crib watching the show when this long haired British dude started chatting like a fool" said Barack. "With this...
Read full storyFlood causes widespread chaos
The devastation following recent flooding in England has left over 20 homes without cable or satellite television. "It's like living in some kind of shanty town" said Mrs Wha Chu-Lookinat from Northumberland. "I've had to rely on Freeview which...
Read full storyNew severe Hurricane warning for Florida
With Hurricane Ike hovering off the South East Coast of Florida, America has been told of an even more fierce hurricane following behind from Northern Ireland. This hurricane of Irish origin is currently blowing from Ireland across the Atlantic an...
Read full storyCops favor 9/10 for mass arrest of 9/11 bastards
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Numerology experts in the Met's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency are poised to swoop on assorted Puppet Monarchy bastards responsible for the World Trade Center attack of 9/11, according to Hellfire Club sources.
Read full storyLand fill sites to be a thing of the past
Professor Hugh Jarse revealed today that the Large Halon Collider (LHC) experiment due to take place will be the answer to the current problems associated with refuse disposal. "When the LHC is fired up it will create a black hole. This will give...
Read full storyBelichick Puts Bounty On Karma
Bill Belichick, the New England Patriots Head Coach, was more animated than usual at this morning's Press Conference. There was, of course, only one topic on the agenda - how serious was Tom Brady's injury. "Tom's fucked. I've analyzed it this w...
Read full storyHeather Mills in paralympic gold digger finals
Beijing - (Ass Mess): Top UK medal hopeful Heather Mills is in pole position for a record breaking win in the paralympic gold digger finals. Mills, 41, faced stiff competition in the Anna Nicole Smith Memorial heats dedicated in memory of top-heav...
Read full storyMcCain Iraq sweetener: troops to get free blow-up latex Sarah Palin doll for Xmas
Washington AC/DC - (Rubber Ass Mess): GOP presidential hopeful John McCain played an absolute blinder today by promising US troops stationed in Iraq a free lifesize blow-up latex Sarah Palin doll in their Xmas stockings. Two models are available,...
Read full storyAndrew Lloyd Webber Disses Charles Dickens
Musical composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has ended up in hot water again after remarks made in a recent BBC interview. Talking about his most recent BBC showcase in which cheap labour was scouted and cast for his presentation of the classic Lionel Ba...
Read full storyMichigan Win Now In Doubt
ANN ARBOR, Mich. (AP)-Rich Rodriguez walked off the field as a winner for the first time at Michigan. Not that he was in a particularly victorious mood. Brandon Minor's 15-yard touchdown run with 8:12 to go finally put away Miami of Ohio, helping...
Read full storyLetterman Too Late top five Obama jokes
Black Humor: Barack Hussein Obama - President of The United States of A. #5. The additional benefit will be death of Osama Bin Laden, from laughing his behind off. #4. Hillary Clinton asks Supreme Court: Can I marry Obama? Yes you can, but you must divorce Bill first. #3. Why Jew voted for Barack Hussein Obama? He has mistaken Obama Hussein Barack for Kadima Ehud Barack.
Read full storyPulling the Cloud over our eyes
Now, as half the world begins to watch the 13th Paralympic Games in Beijing, the other half remains on the sofa still digesting its glorious meal that was the 2008 Beijing Olympic games. What a meal it was too we were treated to a great starter, a fantastic main and a sumptuous desert, all served up in the fantastic birds nest stadium. We can now only wait with baited breathe before our next O...
Read full storyNipple Shots Of Sarah Palin Could Make You $100,000 Richer!
We have been witness to the incredible story of the first female Republican Party VP choice, Sarah Palin, (current Alaskan Governor), for less than 2 weeks now and both America and the World are still awestruck! She's 44 and she's hot! Not too young, not quite older, but just right, with that magnetic attraction men must hide in the presence of the wife or girlfriend or no sex tonight guys! Learn...
Read full storyObama Snobs It Up in New Campaign Strategy
A leaked video shows the new tack urged on presidential candidate Barack Obama in the face of you-know-who-power, racism, and all that. 'Let's face it, Barack,' says P.R. guru Mo Schmoe, mopping his brow, 'middle America you ain't. You're an urban...
Read full storyPalin barracuda proves no match
Of all places the Republican National Convention touted a new species of fish called the Palin Barracuda. The largely unknown species said to have three inch teeth, honeydew hair style, and lipstick. Said to put up a good fight, but a few good wacks...
Read full storyPolitical Campaign Songs - "Saracuda"
Political Campaign Songs - "Saracuda"1970s rock band Heart, led by sisters, Ann and Nancy Wilson have made it perfectly clear to the Republican Party that they do not want them using their 1977 hit song "Barracuda" as Gov. Palin's theme song. The sisters reportedly stated that if the Republican vice-presidential candidate, who prides herself as being a hockey mom, a moose hunter, an ice fisher...
Read full storyHi There Magazine Wins Sarah Palin Baby War!
After a week of tense and sometimes aggressive negotiations Hi There! Magazine has beaten out other high priced bidders and won the right to not publish pictures of Sarah Palins' baby. "It was the highest prices I've ever seen," said a magazine i...
Read full storyResearchers Amazed At Subconscious Brainwaves
Researchers from teams within the Neurology and Psychology departments at Liverpool's John Moose University have been conducting research on brainwaves while people were asleep and how this influenced their thoughts when they were awake. They were...
Read full storyCindy McCain reveals why she is a trollop and a cunt
Cindy McCain and I are relaxing in the sitting room of her delightful San Diego home when I ask her if the allegations she was called a trollop by John were true? "When John came back from Vietnam his wife was very different following the horrific car accident she suffered. But John suffered too; as he said at the time, 'there's no way I'm fucking that ugly cripple ,'" Cindy remembers. "So I...
Read full storyManchester United Fan Attacks Noel Gallagher Onstage In Toronto
Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has been assaulted by a Manchester United fan during a concert at the V Festival in Toronto. Gallagher was pushed from behind, and fell off the stage. He was said to have a bruised ego. Noel, and his brother, Liam, a...
Read full storyThree-Year-Old Girl To Be The Next James Bond
There was great excitement today as EON Productions, the owners of the James Bond franchise, announced that Bond is to become female, and that the next person to take the role of 007, will be a 3-year-old girl from Leeming, North Yorkshire. The gi...
Read full storySouth Park Star Mr. MKay arrested in Russia
Moscow, Russia (IPP) - South Park star, Mr. MKay, was arrested in Moscow last night by MKGB agents. The Russian authorities have not released any information on his arrest but did allow an official from the American embassy to check on his health.
Read full storyPavarotti Ate My Picnic
Modena - Over the weekend, while the world of music marked the first anniversary of the death of one its greatest performers, Luciano Pavarotti, one resident of Modena, Pavarotti's birthplace, showed no sign of reverence towards the deceased tenor.
Read full storyFlorida Gators Win Over UM Reversed by Officials
Miami, Florida (IPP) - Last Saturday's Florida Gator's win over the UM Hurricanes has been reversed by NCAA officials. NCAA president, Jimmy Johnson, told reporters that there were too many bad calls against Miami. Johnson also told reporters tha...
Read full storyLoch Ness Monster Mystery Update
The ancient mystery of Loch Ness and of its Monster, was the subject of a recent investigation by scientists, who say that there is nobody alive who has seen it, and the beast may, in fact, be dead. The Monster has been lurking in the depths of th...
Read full storyStockmarket Freezes And Crashes After New B&B News
There was more chaos in the Financial Sector this morning, when, amidst chaotic scenes after the startling news of the Bradley & Bingley takeover of Feddie Mac & Fannie Mae, the lights went out at the London Stock Exchange! The news of the...
Read full storyBarack Obama requests Surge to stop violence in Chicago
Reports came out that more people were murdered in Barack Obama's Chicago than U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq and Afghanistan this summer. There were a record 125 murders in Chicago. A CBS affiliated station reported that in fact the number of mu...
Read full storyUK Building Society In Freddie Mac & Fannie Mae Takeover Bid
Extraordinary events in the US Finance market this morning, as beleagured UK building society, the Bradley & Bingley, made a successful takeover bid of the troubled Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae mortgage giants. The US companies guarantee or own...
Read full storyBush's New Paunch to Address the Nation!
Exercise freak GW Bush has jogged, biked and horsebacked his way through his almost eight years of presidency. Fitter than most his age, W has prided himself on a tight gut. Not so much any more... as recent photos have revealed a true paunch protrud...
Read full storySkinhead Schmidt Brings Blitzkrieg to McCain War Room!
Commandant Schmidt, one of Dark Lord Rove's cloned offspring has taken over the McCain War Room and now there is no room for the Maverick, free wheeling straight talk that has made McCain interesting. The new campaign style has the Arizona Senato...
Read full storyDark Lord Rove Apologizes for Racist Attack on McCain's Asian Indian Daughter
Now that John McCain has hired campaign consultancy firm, Rove, Rape and Pillage Inc, the very outfit that roved, raped and pillaged his campaigns in 2000 and 2004, Chief Execution Officer Dark Lord Karl Rove has decided to apologize to his new clien...
Read full storyHistory Channel Bids on RNC vs Christian Broadcasting Channel!
A bidding war broke out over the Republican National Convention video footage between the live in the past History Channel and the look to the heavens Christian broadcasting Network. History Channel rep Neander Thralled said that the McCain Conve...
Read full storyNCAA Football Cupcakes Charge Hot Shot Johns Big Bucks for a Lap Dance
Top notch teams, like teenie boys like to find a few cupcakes to put some notches on their gun belts before they get serious. In the old days, you could always find some easy marks for a coke and a movie. But recently the price of collegiate cupcakes...
Read full storyIt has a ridgy texture
As far as orgasm is concerned, women fall under two camps: those who experience orgasm and those who do not. In the glossy magazines, we read that there are some women who never experience orgasms during intercourse. They badly need manual help or oral stimulation to reach their climax. To boost the moral of these females, experts say," welcome to the club", and emphasize that intercourse is s...
Read full storyDoomsday Cult Leaves Compound for Happy Hour
To boost morale after yet another unfulfilled apocalyptic prophecy, members of the Movement To Hallow Earth After Destruction (M-T-HEAD) emerged from their compound and walked down the road apiece to Rudy's Bar for Happy Hour -- $2 beers, $3 well d...
Read full storyBush on visiting Great Wall last month: "I should've said,'Mr Jintao, tear down this wall.'"
President George Bush was criticized by many for attending last months Olympics in Beijing, China. The country is widely known for it's horrendous human rights record and limitations on basic freedoms. Many called for the leader to boycott the games...
Read full storySarah Palin to Campaign by Snowmobile
Anchorage - Sarah Palin has convinced John McCain to campaign for the presidency by snowmobile. While winter may soon set in for the election run in Alaska and the northern states the election gambit may be more difficult to play out in the southern...
Read full storyHavoc as BBC Website freezes for 7 seconds
Life seemed so normal at 12.36pm and 20 seconds, but at 12.37pm and 21 seconds the world was turned upside down when the BBC Website froze. Chaos and rioting ensued in the streets of Britain, the biggest since a traffic light froze for 22 seconds at...
Read full storyMoose Experience Important To Voters
A recent Gallup poll indicates that many Americans are concerned about a presidential or vice presidential candidate's knowledge and experience with moose. A surprising 84% of respondents said that the extent of a candidate's moose hunting experience...
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