Washington D.C. Smoky Back Room
Somewhere in a Washington DC smoky backroom, where Judge Retort's secret iPod was recording... Congressman: "This cigar's pretty good. Havana??" Financier: "Of course. Where else? Now about that bailout..." Congressman: "It's a lot of money. My constituents are growing restless. And those radio talk show hosts are blowing the whistle pretty loud. 750 billion..." Financier: "H...
Read full storyBush Scoffs at Bailout
The President urged his treasury minions to stop calling it a bailout and urged them to call it a 'monetary injection.' "Hell, 'injection' is a great word! That's what we're callin' it over t' Iraq - 'democratic injection.' Whah, hell, my daddy...
Read full storyCeltic And Rangers Put Troubled Past Behind Them
Glasgow Celtic and Glasgow Rangers football clubs, known as The Old Firm, have announced today that they are to put their differences aside, in a bid to form a new long-reaching alliance for the better of Scottish football, and for Scotland in genera...
Read full story"Free Peter Mandel-a-son" song rockets to No 1 in charts
The song which was responsible for the return of Peter Mandelson - "Free Peter Mandela Son" by Jerry Dammers and his Coventry-based group the 'Special AKA' - has shot to number one on both sides of a local record store in Hull. Originally titled "...
Read full storyHell breaks loose in Iceland due to financial crisis
It would appear that things are not too rosy in Iceland at the moment, thanks to the deepening financial crisis. Responsible for more marital strain than any other place on earth - husbands used to dread coming home to find the kids alone shouting...
Read full storyWashington Press Reveal that Joe Biden has Man Boobs
A reporter that managed to sneak into the Senate Fitness Room has revealed that Senator Joe Biden, Democratic candidate for Vice President on the Barack Obama Ticket, has a large set of man boobs. "I'd say that they were at least a b-cup and put...
Read full storyManchester City And Manchester United To Be Included On Monopoly Board
Manchester City, the world's richest football club, and their city rivals, Manchester United, are to be included in the latest edition of the popular financial property game for players of all ages, Monopoly. It's the first time that clubs have be...
Read full storyHot Toys for Christmas
Representatives of the UK's major retail outlets gather this week for their annual toy fair at Birmingham's National Exhibition Centre. It's time to find out what will be the HOT 'must-have' toy to fill your sack this Christmas. The surprise succ...
Read full story"Too Funny" E-Mail Link Sends Man to Local Emergency Room
Jim Ronson didn't expect anything unusual to happen last Friday as he sipped his morning coffee and checked his daily e-mail. But the events that followed quickly served as a sobering reminder of the dangerous and potentially lethal effects of today'...
Read full storyBritney Spears Poses for Madame Tussot's Wax Museum
Britney Spears has finally agreed to sign a contract for the formal pose and measurement process to enter the famous wax museum exhibit. Madame Tussot museum curator, Hans Sticken discussed the process with "E" Entertainment News over the week...
Read full storyLegislative slips of the tongue from Cajun country
Tell me these aren't true... are they? "I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."-- Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans "I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge "I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state."--Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson "This amendment doe...
Read full story"Barack Obama is Really White," claims school friend.
Kirk Willard who claims to have been at junior school with the young Barack Obama revealed last night that when he was 7 yrs old Barack was white! The dramatic revelation comes at a time when the two candidates in the presidential race are neck a...
Read full storyDirty, sexy stiletto politics
"Obama has been palling around with terrorists who would target their own country," Sarah Palin has been repeating into the microphone for a few days now, strutting around in her black stiletto boots. What can Obama do? He can't ignore the atta...
Read full storyPizza Hut Changes Name to Pasta Trough
Pizza Hut is rebranding itself as Pasta Trough in a radical overhaul of its corporate image and menu offerings. Logos have been replaced at corporate headquarters in Dallas and new signs are being installed at the chain's outlets worldwide. Asked...
Read full storyLondon Stock Exchange padre's sodomy warning tattoos breach copyright laws court is told
London - (Sorry Ass Mess): The London Stock Exchange chaplain is in hot water this week after launching a copyright-breaching buttock tattooing service warning against the perils of sodomy. The Rev Peter Mullen had offered 'born-again heterosexual...
Read full storyCabinet reshuffle is a diversion and sham
At a private meeting in Westminster, Prime Minister Gordon Brown revealed that his recent cabinet reshuffle is only temporary until such time as he fills all the various posts on a more permanent basis later in the week. His spokesman said: "It...
Read full storyMicrosoft Announces "The Rock" to Counter Apple's "Brick" Technology
Jumping on the media bandwagon over recent announcements from Apple Corporation related to its secretive "Brick" project, Bill Gates announced plans to release Microsoft's "Rock" in Q1 of 2009. Not disclosing any details surrounding the "Rock" p...
Read full storyDiscovery: Neanderthals "invented" BJ's
Professor Wendell Waddrippins, in a second historical archeological discovery in as many weeks, announced yesterday that pictorgraphical evidence points to Neanderthal man inventing oral sex. Editor's note:pictorgraphical meaning the image painte...
Read full storyFatwas Dominate World Events: Everyone is Now at Risk Causing Massive Migration to Alaska!
Saudi Arabia/ Rag Head News - It's not just for Mullahs anymore! Extremists around the world find Fatwas effective in controlling Plain Speak and Rational Discourse in advancing their goals of World Domination. Examples of World Terrorism Proclama...
Read full storyPlan to export human legs being considered
In a complex statement today, the foreign office has announced plans to look into exporting human legs, initially by way of cadavers but eventually by force from living, breathing human beings. The emerging Asian markets are demanding increasing...
Read full storyClay Aiken's Announcement Shocks Barbara Streisand, Kathy Griffin
After the publishing of People Magazine's cover featuring Clay Aiken and his announcement that he's "Gay", several female fans and celebrities alike are reportedly in shock over the news. Fans gathered outside Aiken's Las Vegas hotel balcony fo...
Read full storyPamela Anderson Auctions Off One of Her Bras
The Review of This Past Sunday's Television News Shows: NBC's 'Meet The Press' - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi discussed in explicit detail how she makes her own bras and why. And in keeping with the show's 'Bra Theme,' Pamela Anderson made a rare appearance and told Tom (Brokaw) that she auctioned off one of her favorite bras on eBay. She said that when she receives the money, ($129,003)that she...
Read full storyRobbie William's new Album
Famed Singer Robbie Williams has released plans of what his new album will be. Speaking to us earlier, the famed Stoke on Trent born UFO spotter told us: 'Me and my friends from Phalanx 9, on the outer perimeter have decided that my new album wil...
Read full storyTerry Venables Interviewed For Spurs Job
Terry Venables, the ex-Tottenham, Barcelona, Leeds and England manager, has been involved in emergency talks at White Hart Lane this morning with the Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, with a view to taking charge of the beleaguered north London club. Cu...
Read full storySpurs Adopt Celine Dion Song To Commemorate Worst Start To A Season Since Titanic Sank In 1912
Tottenham Hotspur football club, who are experiencing their worst start to a football season since 1912, have decided to commemorate the occasion by adopting the morbid Celine Dion song My Heart Will Go On from the film Titanic (1997). Juande Ramo...
Read full story60's Terrorist Weatherman Ayers Endorses McCain-Palin!
Pit Bull Palin attacked Obama for his association with 60's radical Weatherman Bill Ayers despite the fact that Obama was an 8 year old living in another country during the revolutionary acts of the leftist cell. But the even bigger surprise came...
Read full storyASS Fr Fred 44Giveness: Aren't Gays Good Catholics?
Dear ASSFF$$G, I've been thinking (I know that is not encouraged for Catholic laity and has long been impossible for clergy) but I think gays are good catholics. They never have abortions which seems to be the only moral teaching that matters at election time. They don't use birth control. Since they are not allowed in the US military they can't kill. Doesn't this make them good cathol...
Read full storySoccer Mom Palin Meets With Soccer Dictator North Korean Leader at Soccer Game!
Sarah Palin demonstrated her international diplomatic credentials, her maverick daring do and her soccer parent dedication all at once this week! Kim Jong- Very Il, fresh from a massive stroke could not be stopped from attending his little fella...
Read full storyPalin Invites McCain to Her Bed...Tanning, that is!
Ambitious Alaskan Bronze Beauty runner up Sarah Palin had a used tanning bed installed in the Alaskan Governor's trailer just days after the inauguration. A variety of rationales were provided at the time, like "Alaska is friggin' frigid" to my Hotti...
Read full storyTrump to trump all by building condo on Mars
In breaking news today, billionaire Donald Trump has announced that he will construct three condominiums on the planet Mars by 2016. He has signed a joint venture with the Euro Space Agency for the transport of materials and construction workers...
Read full storySchwarzenegger Proposes $100 Trillion Bailout
With the $700 Billion federal bailout set, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for a follow up. The Schwarzenegger plan calls for $100 Trillion in new spending to prop up the economy. In the first phase, $1 Trillion is to be spent...
Read full storyWisconsin Marching Band Suspended Indefinitely
Madison, Wisconsin (Daily Badger Staff Reporter) - The University of Wisconsin marching band has been disbanded indefinitely due to "extracurricular conduct unbecoming a marching band". Prior to Saturday night's matchup versus Big Ten football r...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Darkens Skin in Anticipation of Obama Win
Los Angeles, Ca (IPP) - Michael Jackson has had his skin darkened again after years of bleaching which has made him a whiter shade of pale over time. Michael told reporters that he is just simply betting that Obama will win the next election an...
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