Written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 6 October 2008

image for Clay Aiken's Announcement Shocks Barbara Streisand, Kathy Griffin
The Crowd of Aiken Fans Gather Outside His Hotel Balcony

After the publishing of People Magazine's cover featuring Clay Aiken and his announcement that he's "Gay", several female fans and celebrities alike are reportedly in shock over the news.

Fans gathered outside Aiken's Las Vegas hotel balcony following the announcement, to show their support for the former American Idol contestant and regular Vegas performer. 50% of the crowd was female, still in denial over the male crooner and perceived sex symbol being off the heterosexual market, while the other 50% were male and waved handkerchiefs.

Aiken made a brief appearance on his balcony wearing a Seinfeld-esque "puffy shirt" complete with pleated and lace trimmed cuffs. The crowd responded in unison with cheers of "We love you clay". One woman who had traveled from Peoria, Illinois said, "I was so excited at one performance in Chicago, that I threw my panties on stage. Who knew he might be wearing them after the show."

While dedicated female fans, also called "Claymates", were dealing with the tragic news in their own way, Hollywood fans responded in kind. Barbara Streisand was interviewed at the exit of her recording studio and offered , "Yes, I was shocked as well. Let's face it, the man wreaked of masculinity. When I'm recording and have to evoke the intensity of a man's love, I think of Clay. Now I'll have to think of someone else like Lance Bass."

Comedian Kathy Griffin, who had grown accustomed to poking fun at Aiken's sexual orientation during her stand up routines commented, "Well I knew he was effeminate, but never thought he really preferred sausage to the salad bar. Even though he owned a Shitszu with painted nails, didn't mean he was gay, did it? I'd still do him even if that meant I had to wear the strap on."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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