Russia Declares War On Lancashire Mill Town
In an unprecedented move this evening, the Russian government declared war on the Lancashire mill town of Burnley following Chelsea's defeat in the Carling Cup at home to the East Lancashire minnows. Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is said to have...
Read full storyMickey Mousers Advised To Calm Down By Surgeon General
The Surgeon General of the United States Of America, a close friend the President elect, Barack Whotsisname, tonight advised Scousers to calm down. Sky sports were this evening inundated with calls from squeaky voiced Scousers distraught by their...
Read full storyChelsea Are Shit
Chelsea, the team assembled by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich at a cost of more than £450million, were humbled by Championship side Burnley in their Carling Cup-tie at Stamford Bridge last night, and their era as one of the top English teams is...
Read full storyI'm a Kind of Celebrity, Get me in There - NOW!
ITV bosses today reacted indignantly regarding suggestions that the the soon to be run series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is looking like a non-event before anybody even sees a jungle. The line up of the impending show has provoked hoots...
Read full storyRepublican Voters Denounce 'Black Friday' After Obama Win
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Friggemall Wire Services) -- Thousands of the nation's Republican voters have announced that they will not support "Black Friday" in a bold show of partisan consumerism following Barack Obama's landslide victory over John McCain.
Read full storyI'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here Set To Be Gayest Yet
ITV has announced its contestant list for the jungle endurance show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, and with both ex-tennis star Martina Navratilova, and George Takei of Star Trek, this year's competition is set to be the gayest so far. Takei...
Read full storyNo-one Murdered at Jersey Children's Home
Detectives investigating alleged cases of historical child abuse at a former children's home in Jersey have now publicly stated no children were murdered there, regardless of masses of burned, crushed bones and milk teeth being discovered buried and...
Read full storyTrojans & Beavers
UNIVERSITY PARK, California - The University of Somewhere in California Student Body Select Committee has voted to change the college mascot name from 'Trojans.' SCSBSC President Wesley Tuttle told a reporter for MTV, "We, the students of Southern...
Read full storyMichael Lohan Disowns Daughter Lindsay over "Colored" Gaff
Reacting to Lindsay Lohan's recent interview gaff about the election of Barack Obama to the highest office in the land, father Michael Lohan has officially severed all ties to his daughter. Between stints of jail time, Michael Lohan has been kno...
Read full storyMan with face like a Bollox complains about all the shit Miley Cyrus stories Jesus Budda has been churning out lately
Derek 'Del' Abercrombie - otherwise known as the spoof writer 'Monkey Woods' - has lodged an official complaint about one of the sites most popular and beloved 'characters'. Abercrombie's complaint centers on the issue of the amount of vile and de...
Read full storyMichelle Obama and John McCain had Sex in the 1980's
Barrack Obama's wife and Republican presidential corpse John McCain have admitted they both had sex during the heady days of the 1980's. Not with each other, of course, but with their respective partners. The evidence proving that sexual inter...
Read full storySarah Palin and Madonna had Sex in the 1980's
Vice presidential loser Sarah Palin says she and pop singer Madonna shared many intimate moments together during the crazy days of the early 1980's. "We had so much in common back then. We both had big, bleached bouffant hairstyles, both wore pink...
Read full storyBig North Pole Layoff
North Pole- Claus Corporation, aka Santa Claus LTD, has drastically reduced it's workforce right during the prime producing season. The bar rooms and taverns here are loaded with elves and reindeer as the region is reeling with the recent announceme...
Read full storyThree Bored To Death In Atapalgus, Georgia
Junie Deloris Morris of Atapalgus, Georgia, who has her family scrapbook prominently displayed on her coffee table at all times, gives the impression that her life is not only bearable, but has even been pleasant at times, sources not particularly cl...
Read full storyIrish Team to Respond to Haka with Riverdance Spectacular
The Irish Rugby team will don skirts and tights for a Riverdance spectacular following the All Blacks plans to do an animal sacrifice. Speaking from McGinty's Bar in downtown Dublin,Team spokesman Seamus O'Leary also comfirmed that none other than...
Read full storyWatch out for Thursday's apocalyptic Taurus Full Moon
The Cosmos - (Astrological Mess): As Venus, planet of love, wealth and extraordinary good fortune begins her annual ingress into the sign of Capricorn a balefull cosmic T-square is forming in the heavens ahead of Thursday's apocalyptic Taurus Full Mo...
Read full storyGovernment Help Office to Extend Holiday Hours
In a sign of the times the US Government help office has extended it's hours just in time for the holiday season. "With every corporation, from bankers to auto makers, banging at our doors for financial relief, we just had to do something," said Edna...
Read full storyHaut de la Garenne: no Nazis but Jersey top cop suspended
Jersey - (Sieg Heil! Mess): Jersey's ruling Politburo has issued a statement confirming that no Nazi connections have been found at the notorious WWII tunnel complex leading to the Haut de la Garenne alleged abuse care home. The news was qualified...
Read full storyQueen 'hugely pissed off' with Pretender's Prince's Truss
London - (Rioters): Looking as if someone was standing behind her with a live electric cattle prod linked to the autocue the Puppet Monarch heaped praise today on the feckless Pretender's risible Prince's Truss charity. "There is no greater pleas...
Read full storyIrish Muslims protest All Blacks pig Sacrifice
Irish Muslims are outraged at the New Zealand Rugby team's plans to sacrifice a pig during the famous 'Haka' Maori war dance. A spokesman for the Irish Muslim Association Mr Mohammed O'Reilly said 'Tis a crying shame t'be sure for the Prophet to b...
Read full storyTitanium UFO hangar discovered under ruins of 4,300 year-old pyramid
Saqqara, Egypt - (Grateful Dead Sea Scrolls Mess): The intact remains of a huge titanium-built UFO hangar beneath a newly discovered 4,300 year-old pyramid have been hailed as the archaeological find of the centry. "It's covered with the most rema...
Read full storySperm Bank Robbery Spoiled
A Morganfield man was arrested Monday in conjunction with a sperm bank robbery in London, Kentucky early this morning. By eyewitness accounts, Danny "Boy" O'Flener pulled a daring daylight holdup of the Family Jewels Sperm Bank located on downto...
Read full storyEuchre's Origin Tied to 19th Century Brothels
Known as an obscure card game borne in U.S. Midwestern mining towns, Euchre was originally developed in the parlors of local brothels while patrons waited their turn for service. Often involving both customers and working girls from the same bro...
Read full storyPutting A Price On Ones Head
Everyone has seen the elbow thrown by Chris Morgan, it was both deliberate and shocking, it seems violent thugs such as this are able to carry on regardless, the referee didn't do a thing. And no-one should make light of Hulme's terrible head inj...
Read full storyHomage to Yogi Berra
In a dimly-lit bar Along the alleyways of Bangkok Alone and forgotten I nursed a bottle Of JTS Brown As an Asian goddess With alabaster skin and Black-ink hair Took up residence On a stool At the other end I went over to her Lit her cigarette Ordered her another cognac And asked, "What is your name?" "Dae Jah Vuu" "Haven't we met someplace before?"...
Read full storyBlue MM's Better than Green for Sex Drive?
In an unscientific but documented study of colored MM candies on human sex drive, British Pharmacist Dr. Benjamin Licken discovered what was described as a definite connection between the ingestion of blue MM's and positive effects on the male libido...
Read full storyBig Three and UAW fiddling while Detroit Burns
Kalu, Hawaii The big three auto makers, GM, Chrysler, Ford and The United Auto Workers, (UAW), are fiddling in their collective lavishness while workers for the three and members of UAW are in dire straits. All three automakers lined up with 'me t...
Read full storyBeaver Creek To Possibly Undergo Some Changes
The mayor of Beaver Creek, South Carolina has announced that the entire town could be replaced in the near future by a super-dooper-Wally-Mart. "The city council and I have seen the plans and they look great", stated Mayor Halls. "Instead of ju...
Read full storyMormons Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door
Immersion, Utah - The LDS church has gotten itself into hot water with Jewish Holocaust survivors and advocates over its controversial practice of Mormon proxy baptisms for the dead. Mormon's believe that no one can enter heaven's gates without fi...
Read full storyInnocent Video Game In Violent Attack Horror
An innocent, defenseless video game has been viciously attacked by a gang of hideous and angry, albeit well dressed and sophisticated, middle class hate-mongering mothers in Slough, UK. The game, an incident free frolic through a platform world o...
Read full storyBoris Johnson to save taxpayers billions of pounds
While councils all over the UK cry into their canteen soups (low-salt, healthy option variety) over the billions of pounds they have lost by investing in banks in Iceland and the UK, or in trying to help the thousands of relatives of the Nigerian Oil...
Read full storyUnemployment at an all time high
Levels of unemployment in the UK have reached a record eleven year high. Coincidentally most of those still visiting their dole office from that period have experienced a similar eleven year high. It should come as no surprise to an average UK wo...
Read full storyReasons Why Men Are Rubbish!
Come on girls!? You all know the feeling, you're in an inexplicable bad mood and he doesn't know what's wrong!? What's up with that!? Someone cut in front of you in the queue in top shop, and when he comes home after a hard day at work he doesn't wanna know, he just wants to have a beer and watch repeats of Top Gear on Dave! What is he, a gay!? No of course he isn't because then he'd understand yo...
Read full storyRolf Harris in trouble again
Rolf Harris has got into trouble with the law after it was revealed that the two little boys he released in 1969 must have been recaptured, for in a shocking turn about, thirty years on, he is re-releasing the same two little boys, though both must n...
Read full storyUnemployment figures set to rise
Unemployment in the UK has risen to a ten year high after job centres were forced to cut ten thousand staff. The cuts came about as the the home secretary, Ms Smith, announced a more streamlined method for using job centres in an effort to get the...
Read full storyIt Looks Like A Brick, It Feels Like A Brick, But It's Not A Proper Brick
Multinational toy manufacturers Fookhall Inc today announced the introduction of their latest toy, and, wait for it, it's a brick, that looks like a brick, feels like a brick, but because of its unique construction can't do the damage that a conventi...
Read full storyPalin New Face of Cosmetics Company
Cosmetics company, L'Ordeal, announced Friday that Sarah Palin, failed vice presidential hopeful,is to head up their 2009 worldwide ad. campaign. Head of Corporate advertising, Ms Misty Self, could barely conceal her exuberance at the press confer...
Read full storyPortsmouth Hire Bald Guy
Portsmouth manager Tony Adams has reacted swiftly to fill the position of first-team coach at the club after Martin Keown rejected his offer last week, by hiring famous 1980's balding Dutch guy, Johhnnny Metgod. Metgod was said to be excited at th...
Read full storyBang! and the dirt is gone, along with the infidels!
An anonymous source, who cannot be named, has revealed to our anonymous contact, who cannot be named, at the Daily Fascist, that good ol' Bazza Scott, the loud, obnoxious spokesperson for potentially environment damaging cleaning agent 'Cilla Bang' i...
Read full storyBaddy or Goody
A recent survey has revealed that 85% of the general public have no sympathy whatsoever for Jade Goody in her harrowing cancer battle. One man, 44, from Lincs. said "Better people have fought cancer and died from it. I wouldn't be surprised if th...
Read full storyBarack to Black
Millions of voters in the US are outraged that their new president, Barrack Obama, is actually a little bit ethnic, a poll has revealed. Mr. Obama, who won the exclusive accolade of being first African-American president was, apparently wrongly v...
Read full storyObama you sly dog you
President elect Barack Obama has stunned billions of people around the world and, indeed, millions of Americans by selling the U.S.A to Iraq. In a move which can only be described with four letter words, Obama has handed over America to the Iraqi'...
Read full storyScientists claim "break-through of the century"
Amidst staggering scenes in London last night, several leading scientists claimed a break-through in science that they believe "will be sure to astound the shit out of people!" They claim that they are in possession of irrefutable evidence that po...
Read full storyDon't worry, it was only Norris
World agencies were yesterday scrambling to find out just what caused the massive tsunami that destroyed the United States. Theories were brought forth and quickly dismissed with alarming regularity, accusations of a global conspiracy were seized...
Read full storyPresident Obama's Inaguration Ball
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Plans for President Barack Obama's Inaguration Ball are being finalized by the Presidential Inaguration Ball Committee. Abdullah Braxton, chairman-in-charge of the Ball's entertainment committee said that he has already lined u...
Read full story'The Marilyn Monroe Movie' - Staring Sarah Palin
HOLLYWOOD, California - Now that she will have a little more time on her hands, Sarah Palin will be staring in the Paramount Pictures film entitled, 'The Marilyn Monroe Movie.' Palin said that she had first been approached by studio executives in...
Read full storyUS 60's Peaceniks Flocked Like Doves to Obama who Vows to Kill Osama and Bring Shock and Awe to Afghanistan!
The chameleon like Mr Barack Obama gathered a diverse majority to fuel his wild ride to become the first black man in the White House. Among the many shoulders that hoisted Mr Obama on high to the highest office in the nation, were the older peac...
Read full storyTaylor Swift excited to be having a Jonas baby
Joe Jonas and Taylor Swift are becoming experts at creating a scandal. In a private interview with me, which no-one else witnessed, (honest, it happened), Joe Jonas confirmed his parents' worst nightmare - he and ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift are expect...
Read full storyTimes Square New Year Ball Develops STD!
Last year the New Year's ball weighed less than a ton and measured less than six feet across. This year when the Holiday Reveler's Committee dug the ball out of moth balls they were shocked to find an enormous sphere. The ball had doubled in diameter...
Read full storyPietersen Modest in Defeat
England cricket captain Kevin Pietersen is playing down England's pathetic performance in the 50 over match against Mumbai. Set only 222 to beat, England slumped to one of its most humiliating defeats ever by being bowled out for 98! The team b...
Read full storyUtah Park to be Overcrowded with Donated Monuments; Little League Baseball Brings Lawsuit!
A Utah park that has been displaying a donated monument to the The Ten Commandments has been ordered by the Supreme Court that now they must accept displays dgiven by any and all groups to guarantee freedom of religious expression. The Seven Ap...
Read full storyRemarkable Invention Saves Australia from the Cane Toad
Queensland, Australia -- A bushie's amazingly simple and uncomplicated invention is being credited with rescuing Australia from the Cane Toad swarm. Cane Toads are a spreading plague across Northeast Australia, a front moving at 125 km per year in pl...
Read full storyRicky Ponting in hot water
Ricky Ponting, the captain of Australia, will be summoned to parliament today for an investigation requested by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. Ponting has been severely criticised by almost every man and his dog over the last two days regarding his no...
Read full storyBush Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
It has been announced that outgoing President George W Bush has been nominated for this years prestigious Nobel Peace prize. If successful his name will stand alongside other famous recipients such as Kofi Annan, Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa.
Read full storyWord 'Diaspora' No Longer Means Anything, Meaningless Study Finds
A mobile bunch, human beings have long moved around. Throughout most of time the term 'diaspora' referred to the dispersion of masses of people from their homelands into foreign lands. That era ended on Friday when the term went extinct. "Everyo...
Read full storyLegally Blind Iditarod Musher Makes Wrong Turn, Injures Todd Palin
Nome, Alaska - While training for next year's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, legally blind musher Rocky Zorass mistakenly took a wrong turn and drove his team of dogs into the snowmobile of former future vice-presidential spouse hopeful, Todd Palin.
Read full storyBack Garden Swimming Pools: How To Make One
The popular 'How To Make One' series continues now, with a look at something 9 out of every 10 Americans have, and 97 out of every 100 Australians have - a swimming pool in the back garden! Most people in Britain will be unfamiliar with the concept of having a pool in their garden; almost all will, however, have visited their local swimming baths for a swim, and to enjoy the experience of havin...
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