Back Garden Swimming Pools: How To Make One

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 12 November 2008


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image for Back Garden Swimming Pools: How To Make One
Sling a dolphin in for good luck

The popular 'How To Make One' series continues now, with a look at something 9 out of every 10 Americans have, and 97 out of every 100 Australians have - a swimming pool in the back garden!

Most people in Britain will be unfamiliar with the concept of having a pool in their garden; almost all will, however, have visited their local swimming baths for a swim, and to enjoy the experience of having fun splashing about in other people's piss.

It's not surprising, then, that many of us will, at some time in our long and miserable lives, consider copying our freaky American cousins and Aussie friends, and have an outside pool installed in our back gardens.

Of course, having a pool installed can be quite pricey; fees of £5000 are not uncommon, and few amongst us can afford to splash out (if you'll pardon the pun!) such a large amount of money in these Credit Crunch days.

That's why more and more people are making the commitment to put in a swimming pool themselves, rather than enlist the help of a true professional, who will, most likely, rip them off.

The first thing to consider when planning a pool, is 'have I got a garden?' This might seem an obvious one, but there are plenty of would-be builders who have started such a project, only to discover that they don't actually have a garden to put a pool in, and have been left with egg on ther faces.

Once you've got your garden, decide how big you want the pool, depending on how many people will be using it, whether or not you will be grazing animals in it, and how many bodies will you potentially end up burying in it.

Then, get a spade. You can get these from a local garden shop or, if you live near a town, try Wilkinson; they'll have one. When you've got your spade, dig a big hole. Try to keep the sides sheer, so that the pool has a realistic look, rather than that of a 'hole in the ground' which is suffering from subsidence. Your pool may, in time, actually suffer from subsidence, but you don't want to give it an unprofessional look right from the start.

As excavation progresses, you will, no doubt, be faced with the conundrum of where to put the earth that you have removed from the hole. This is easily resolved. Little by little, place spadefuls of earth in your next-door-neighbour's dustbin, or, if you think they are too stupid to notice - like mine were! - just throw it over the fence into their garden.

Another way of getting rid of the unwanted mud, is to carefully place some in each pocket, and to walk around the town centre, dropping it out of your pockets down your trouser leg, like the tunnel-diggers did in The Great Escape.

What a great film that was, wasn't it?

Anyway, once all the muck has been got rid of, you're ready to start filling it with water. Of course, if you live in the North, anywhere near Manchester or around the Lakes or Dales, your pool will have been filling up very nicely with rainwater as you were digging, but for residents of other areas, read on.

The best way to fill a pool, is to get local children to bring bucketloads of water from their homes, and to empty the water into your pool. This may seem daunting to them, but use your experience and charm, and tell them that they will be welcome to swim in the pool when it is ready. You can always tell them to "piss off" later.

Once the water is in, you can start to swim, but you may want to fit some steps for easy access to and from the pool. For this, have a look around your neighbours' gardens after dark, to see if they have any ladders laying about. They probably only use them infrequently for clearing out their gutters, so they probably won't realise they're missing. Push the feet of the ladders deep down into the soft mud at the bottom of your pool, and presto! You now have steps.

Your pool is ready to use! It's been a cheap and easy way to get the most from your back garden, and you can look forward to hours of fun splashing about with the kids. If you are the type of person who has an eye for a business venture, you could also allow other people to come and use your pool, for a small charge of course, but remember to leave a couple of old tyres somewhere nearby, in case one of your non-swimming customers falls in.

You wouldn't want a dead Chav on your conscience, would you?

Would you?

Or would you?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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