Mormons Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Funny story written by David David

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

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Jews say Mormons can baptise their dead Holocaust relatives 'when pigs fly'

Immersion, Utah - The LDS church has gotten itself into hot water with Jewish Holocaust survivors and advocates over its controversial practice of Mormon proxy baptisms for the dead.

Mormon's believe that no one can enter heaven's gates without first being baptised. And furthermore, a person doesn't have to be alive to be baptised if another living person sponsors them and stands in as a proxy in the ceremony. Hence, the Mormon's fanatical interest in genealogy.

However, it seems not everyone is keen to have Mormons knocking on the graves of their dead relatives and ancestors. Jewish Holocaust survivors and their relatives are challenging the LDS church to cease and desist baptising the souls of their departed and to un-baptise those who have already been so accosted.

Elder Elderberry Whine, high priest of posthumous baptisms, explained the LDS missionary position.

"Look, just because they're dead and buried doesn't mean that corpses shouldn't be given a choice on the matter," asserted a smiling Elder Whine, clipping on a black tie over his crisp white shirt. "They can still be Jewish. It's not like they'll grow foreskins through proxy baptism."

"And we're pro-choice on the matter as well," explained Elder Whine, still smiling a boyish grin. "When our proxy meets them in the spirit world, they can decline our offer of eternal life in heaven and go straight to hell if they wish."

Elder Elderberry Whine continued to justify the LDS controversial position on proxy baptisms of the dead without their permission.

"It's in the Bible, Paul 1st Corinthians, plain as the nose on your face," a slightly acidic Elder Whine asserted as he readjusted his smile.

"Many early Christians used to practice it to get their ancestors who lived before Christ and John the Baptist into heaven through the back door."

Elder Whine then slipped into the conversation, "Do you happen to know the name of your great, great grandmother? She seems to be missing on our genealogical data base for some reason."

The Jewish community isn't taking it from the Mormons lying down. Rabbi Mazel Fachadick, spokesman for SBAMM (Stop Baptising our Ancestors, you Mormon Meshugenehs) denounced the practice.

According to Rabbi Fachadick, SBAMM is frustrated with their ecumenical efforts towards the Mormons so far and is becoming more militant in their approach.

"If they don't cease and desist from this ungodly practice immediately, our guerrilla militia will start ambushing them and smashing their bicycles. That will wipe that silly grin off their holier-than-thou faces."

"If that doesn't work, we'll hack into their genealogical databases and change all the human names to deceased pigs. See how they'll like their heaven then when they baptise billions of filthy swine," threatened Rabbi Fachadick.

Attempting to add a modicum of reason into the debate over Mormon proxy baptisms for the dead, the Humanistic Research Group has conducted a landmark study on the practice.

Professor Pure Reason explained their findings. "Using modern DNA techniques for identification and séances, we interviewed a random number of dead people over the past 5 million years, including Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals, irrespective of religious beliefs."

Professor Reason continued, shrinking away from a black cat in his path. "We asked the dead souls if they wanted to be baptised or not by Mormons. Most of the dead, 99.99% who lived before 1840, had no opinion on the matter. The other 0.01% was evenly split between pro, con, and no opinion."

"So you see, applying logic and scientific reason to this religious dilemma provides the way forward," espoused Professor Reason, carefully avoiding walking under a ladder in his path.

Despite the logical conclusions of the Humanistic Research Group's study, Mormons and Jews continue to battle over the controversial proxy baptism of the dead.

Elder Elderberry Whine predicted the LDS practice would continue "until hell freezes over", as he repaired the mangled frame and bent wheel of his bicycle.

"Jewish Holocaust victims should have the same rights to get into heaven as everyone else," declared Elder Whine. "Now the homosexual and gypsy Holocaust victims are an entirely different matter."

"We're hardly going to ask good Mormons to be proxy homosexuals are we?" added Elder Whine, sniffing the bicycle seat of his missionary partner before they peddled off together in search of souls.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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