Kate Moss slams 'fake' orgy claims
London - (Ass Mess): Supermodel Kate Moss has slammed Sunday Tosser reports that she is so old, haggard and generally past it she had to hire professional lookalikes to stage a fake orgy at her 34th birthday party last week while she was se...
Read full storyBritney Spears a 'Huge Cow', Says Sis
World class decathlete Mike Britney caused a stir this week while practicing his javelin throw. According to his training partner and sister, Linda, Britney stumbled as he released the javelin, which sailed off course and into a nearby farmer's...
Read full story69 MoD laptops found at the bottom of the Diana Fountain
Hype Park - (Reuterus & Bad Ass Mess): The Ministry of Defence has admitted that 69 laptops containing details of all the soldiers that Princess Diana had ever shagged have somehow ended up at the bottom of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Foun...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus's Identity Crisis
It seems that teeny-bopper Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus is having an identity crisis. The fifteen-year old was reportedly seen walking the streets in her Hannah Montana wig, even though she had no interviews or appearances scheduled.
Read full storyBill Oddie and Paparazzi to Blame for Aircrash at Heathrow
Civil Aviation Aircraft Crash Investigators have been closely examining the wreckage of the Boeing 777 airliner which crashed last week narrowly missing 6 lanes of traffic and yet with no fatalities. British airways were quick to preserve the integri...
Read full storyKucinich Demands Fellow Candidates Agree to Hand Jobs in Every State
Today Dennis Kucinich demanded that every state hand count their ballots because as he indicated "Things are sure to get messy and hand jobs to count ballots should straighten some things out. And I want my fellow candidates to ask for hand job...
Read full story24/7 armed guard to patrol Anna Nicole Smith's grave ahead of first anniversary
Nassau, Bahamas - (Reuterus & Ass): Less than three weeks from the first anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's untimely death at the Seminole Hard Northern Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, the Governor of the Bahamas has ordered a 24/7 arm...
Read full storyHuge California Fire Erupts after Kids have Fart Lighting Contest
Three San Diego youths were arrested in connection with a fire that apparently ignited while they were lighting farts in an apparent contest.
Read full story"No-one knows anything about you." Public assured after latest data lapse
The British public, now confirmed by official figures to be the most public in the world, have been assured that their personal data is completely safe. From now on, even the people who are supposed to read it won't be able to.
Read full storyPuppet Monarch 'had Old Queen Mum's coke debts sealed in secret will'
Buckingham Palace - (Litigious Mess): The Puppet Queen Mum's last will and testicle was secretly sealed on Buckingham Palace orders in 2002 to protect her legacy from crack-dealing creditors according to reports.
Read full storyBritney heartbroken as Diana's Butler beds Winehouse
Paul Burrell, former fawner in chief to Princess Diana and publicity junkie has continued to cause chaos in the life of vulnerable young women. Burrell announced that he has split with Britney after only two day's of drug fuelled sex and has fall...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse behind £50 million Top Crack Mansion purchase
London - (Sad Ass Mess): Early press stories that London's daftest house purchase of 2008 - the £50 million Top Crack Mansion in Hampstead Garden Suburb's Bishops Avenue - was made by a seedy, secretive Kazakhstani brothelkeeper called Ms Who...
Read full storyRyanair not interested in low fares
A team of GCSE Business Studies students from Basildon Comprehensive School have today revealed how they were sensationally snubbed by the company. The group of 14 & 15 year olds last week contacted Ryanair with plans to slash their...
Read full storyPutin stages fishy naval warfare exercises at Praia Da Luz
Praia Da Iluzion - (A Fine Mess): President Putin has ordered Russia's massive nuclear naval fleet to start emergency exercises off the Portuguese coast right on Praia Da Iluzion's doorstep.
Read full storyBanned Beverage Returns to American Bars
Absinthe was taken off of the liquor store shelves and out of the bars and saloons of the United States over 100 years ago. Doctors, at the time, said that the drink caused blindness, seizures, and insanity.
Read full storyBritney Spears to Study Theoretical Quantum Mechanics at MIT
According to Britney Spears' agent in Hollywood, the starlet has decided to give up acting and performing for other academic pursuits.
Read full storyDrug addict singer filmed taking drugs
The entertainment world was rocked to its foundations today as a drug addict was filmed taking drugs. The shock footage of Amy Winehouse, someone who (according to her song 'Rehab') is addicted to drugs, showed her snorting cocaine and smoki...
Read full storyScandal Over X-Rated Postman Pat
The latest series of Postman Pat has caused massive controversy over its adult content. Mothers and fathers have expressed their 'concern' at the level of explicit sex scenes, hardcore swearing and excessive drug taking.
Read full storyAlan Hansen 'Unbearable' At Home
Match of the Day pundit and Captain Scarlet lookalike Alan Hansen has become 'unbearable' to live with, claims his wife Linda.
Read full storyBush Calls Blacks Lazy, Stupid
Local Resident Jerry Bush accused his neighors, Tom and Cathy Black, of being lazy for failing to take down their Christmas lights in a timely manner.
Read full storyStocks Climb a Negative 250 Points
Wall Street - Reacting to the latest plan proposed by George W Bush, the stock market climbed in a downward direction around 250 points today.
Read full storyKeegan Signs Shearer To Spearhead Attack
Kevin Keegan, the second-choice Newcastle United manager, dipped into the transfer market for the first time today, to swoop for the ex-Newcastle and England elbow expert and centre forward Alan Shearer
Read full storyEngelbert Humperdinck to change name
Engelbert Humperdinck, the heavily moustached singer, has announced he is to change his name by deed poll to avoid a string of recent insults.
Read full storyZac Efron's Makeup Mishap
It seems common knowledge (to any prepubescent girl) that teen heartthrob Zac Efron is extremely self conscious about his image. But the High School Musical star had to recently had to deny gay rumours after he was seen with a distinct powder on his...
Read full storyRussian-held Matisse in centre of row after Swansea mum claims tot could do better
A landmark exhibition of Russian-held art containing The Dance by Mattise, arguably the greatest painting ever, was at the centre of a growing international row today when a Swansea mum Charlene Church (47) claimed her two ye...
Read full storyUniversities ordered to stop extreme-sports students
Reacting to alarming evidence that Britain's universities are becoming a recruiting ground for dangerous and life-threatening activity, the government has issued new instructions to academics to monitor and report student engagement in extremist...
Read full storyPranksters rob holy shrine of miraculous fluids
Turin, Italy - (Satanic Mess): Italian newspapers have reported that a gang of occupational pranksters has targeted a church at the heart of one of the Vatican's greatest ever miracle scams and "stolen a vile (sic) of holy fluids as well as...
Read full storyPretender's hologram conference stunt emitted 20 tons of excess methane
Clarence House - (OMFG Mess): The Pretender to the Puppet Throne's latest self-promotional PR stunt generated over 20 tons of carbon and other waste commonly found in flatulent emissions according to latest figures.
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