Turin, Italy - (Satanic Mess): Italian newspapers have reported that a gang of occupational pranksters has targeted a church at the heart of one of the Vatican's greatest ever miracle scams and "stolen a vile (sic) of holy fluids as well as a missile (sic)."
The gang apparently raided the Turin Shroud's Chiesa della Gran Madre di Dio and took what the Pope says is "miraculous bodily fluids" that once belonged to the Messiah.
"As for the missile, it was part of our internal security system and could have been fired at opportunistic intruders at any time - especially if they'd tripped the burglar alarm," a spokesman said today.
Our Rome correspondent notes that Italian authorities have always claimed that the Turin church "is one of the most important sites in the cosmic battle between white and black magic" - a statement that confirms generally-accepted opinion that the Vatican's religious rites are nothing more than smoke 'n' mirrors hocus pocus.
The Pope is under sedation.
