Karen Matthews Post-Trial Interview
Karen Matthews, the 'mother' of Little Shannon Matthews, has spoken to reporters after being found guilty of kidnap, false imprisonment and perverting the course of justice. She will be sentenced soon. Shannon, who was kidnapped by Michael 'Dimwit...
Read full storyKnut the Polar Bear Evicted From Berlin Zoo
Knut the Polar Bear, who made headlines two years ago after being rejected by his mother, bottle fed by some zoo workers, and almost euthanized by others, now faces eviction from the Berlin Zoo. According to Zoo officials, there is no room for him a...
Read full storyBritney Spears Discovered To Be Strange Anagram
Britney Spears, the faded princess of pop, is back in the limelight tonight, after it was discovered the singer's name is, in fact, a strange anagram of Presbyterians. If you think that's strange though, consider: Presbyterianism - an anagram of I...
Read full storyGordon Brown secret lessons at the Eliza Doolittle School of Charm Revealed!
Whitehall - After initially denying the rumors that the Prime Minister had been attending the Eliza Doolittle School of Charm it has come to light that the PM has been regularly attending an individual class at the institution with the charms school'...
Read full storyObama Appoints John McCain U.S. Ambassador to Vietnam
President Elect Barack Obama stretched his hand across the aisle today in a gesture of friendship and healing and appointed former rival Senator John McCain (Republican from Arizona) as his new Ambassador to Vietnam. Pending probably Senate approval...
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell To Star In Remake Of 'The Prisoner'
Hollywood CA-- Rosie O'Donnell is planning to star in a remake of one of television's most surreal shows-- The Prisoner. Rosie will be Number 6, the woman without a name. Various enemies of Rosie will appear each week as 'the new Number 2'. The upda...
Read full storyHandicapped Man Sues For Wrongful D.U.I. Arrest
A handicapped man has sued the Rogers, Arkansas police department for wrongful arrest on charges of D.U.I. (driving under the influence). Matt Stoves of Rogers says that the charges are bogus and that the "embarrassment is gonna cost these boys some...
Read full storyEmergency Room Nurse Reveals Plaxico Burress Shot Off His Penis
A Nurse at the emergency room that treated New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress has revealed anonymously that he shot off his penis in the night club accident Thanksgiving weekend. Burress has been placed on injured reserve by the team pend...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Vanessa hudgens and Jamie Lynn Spears in pregnancy scare
Miley Cyrus got the fright of her life when she got her home pregnancy test mixed up with friend Jamie Lynn Spears last month. The confusion arose whilst the two decided to try out some complimentary pregnancy kits Miley had received as part of a...
Read full storyCane You Hear Me Running?
A California man used a candy cane lawn ornament last week to fend off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home. Police spokesman Sgt. Bill Heong said the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to...
Read full storyAIG Seen Leaving Supermarket with "Pockets Stuffed with Licorice"
President Bush was reportedly furious at investment giant AIG when he got a report that it was seen leaving a local supermarket with a pocket full of candy and a brand new video game. "We don't provide bailout money for companies to waste it.
Read full storyMadonna - "I'm Not A Bitch!"
Fading pop/porn star Mad Donna has refuted claims that she is a vein, arrogant, pompous, untalented, unscrupulous, unhappy bitch. Following her quickie divorce of Guy Ritchie she has lashed out at the media who are trying to portray her as being a...
Read full storyA magazine ate my brain
A Magazine Ate My Brain by Rob Barratt Jordan's had a boob job Charlotte's had a baby I ate my own umbilical cord With carrots, peas and gravy Jordan's had a boob job I wish I had her talents Her breasts are always under threat From chemical imbalance Jordan's had a boob job With silicone implanted I slept with Elvis Presley's mum When she got stuck at Stansted Jordan's had a...
Read full storyChip Shop Proprietor Divorced For Stinking Of Chip Fat
Chip shop proprietor Antonelli Di Deepfry was divorced today by his ex-wife on the grounds that he continually stinks of chip fat. Mrs Sandra Di Deepfry, of Dewsbury, West Yorkshire said: 'I'm not being vindictive here. My ex was an arsehole. H...
Read full storyComet 96P/Machholz 1 'on a collision course with Buckingham Palace'
London - (Grateful Dead Sea Scolls Mess): The Biblical comet first seen at the Nativity in Bethlehem is making its Grateful Dead Sea Scrolls-predicted comeback this weekend over Buckingahm Palace. According to latest Scrolls transcripts we can exp...
Read full storyEmma Watson thrilled with Daniel Radcliffe's stiffy
An ecstatic Emma Watson held a press conference today to tell the world of her excitement at seeing and holding fellow Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe's stiffy. The jubilant starlet was in high spirits as she explained the occurrence, which hap...
Read full storyGordon Brown Dwarfs Really Perform Like Stars
London - (Drowning Street Mess): Political midgets in UK Prime Monster Gorgon Brown's government - like Alistair Darling and Jackie 'Kennedy' Smith - have been detected emitting toxic molecules of carbon monoxide according to the Smithsonian's Submil...
Read full storyThe Scruff Guide To Varnia - Part One
The central European city of Varnia, formerly known as Schitzenpitzenholle is a weekend break destination set to rival the likes of Paris, Barcelona, Prague and Rome. Renamed in honour of the late 'On The Buses' star Reg Varney, the classic British sitcom aroused such a devoted following here that it almost approached fever pitch. Just about everything in Varnia has been modelled on an 'On T...
Read full storyCurrent Puppet Monarch's only legal marriage was to Howard Hughes
London - (Sordid Ass Mess): The tribute artiste known as Helen Lowenstein who took on the ID and persona of fourteen year old Princess Elizabeth after the 1940 London Luftwaffe bombing raid tragic deaths of King George VI, his wife and elder daughter...
Read full storyAngry Mido urges action on Abuse
Middlesborough Football Club striker Mido has urged the Football Association to take action after he was called a rabbit and targetted with animal droppings in his club's thrilling 0-0 draw with Newcastle United last Saturday. The RSPCA have recie...
Read full storyTeen queens, Brenda Song and Selena Gomez have a surprise for eveyone!
Teen queens, Brenda Song and Selena Gomez are reportedly petitioning to appear on the cover of a magazine, but they want to do it fully nude. Song, 20 and Gomez, 16 are both planning to appear on the cover of the magazine (like Miley did not so l...
Read full story(h)Arming The Planet
Though the television news programmes may feed us daily lies of poverty, violence, unemployment and social unrest, the truth is that our government still makes vast amounts of profits due to the unsettled state of the uneducated world outside these fabulous Isles! Colman's Mustard Gas Since an accidental spill at the mustard bottling factory in 1927, which killed 87 local yokel Fens employee...
Read full storyLive Baby Found in Manger
Bethleheim, Germany - A parish priest was shocked to find a live baby boy in the manger of his church's Christmas nativity scene today. Father Visual Halle-Lucinations made the shocking discovery in the early hours of the morning as he entered St...
Read full storyLord 'Trash-for-Honors' Levy's ex-lawyer acting for Home Orifice leaks stooge
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Labour's sordid Trash-for-Honors fiasco has reared its ugly head again with the news that Lord Levy's former solicitor is acting for the hapless Home Orifice stooge accused of leaking 'stuff' to Tory immigration mi...
Read full storyBoy George Trial, NOT GUILTY; Says Lawyer: "He's Too Fat to Function!"
The cheeky lawyer intent on getting Boy George sent down, told a stunned jury "Mr Boy George is so morbidly obese, anyone can take a pop at him and win. Even a newly-born kitten with polio and one kidney, could 'see off' Culture Club-Sandwich's form...
Read full storyTurkish Businessman Launches Eau De Kebab Cologne
Turkish businessman and kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo today launched his Eau De Kebab line of cologne in a West End department store. 'This line is a hands down winner,' said Ali Bullo. 'It's a proper cologne with the subtle aroma of doner kebab...
Read full storyDaft Bastard Admitted To Hospital Again Following Failed Suicide Attempt Number Two
Daft bastard Mr Paul Wankbreak of Burnley, Lancs was admitted to hospital again last night following a second failed suicide attempt. 'It seems that Mr Wankbreak had logged onto various internet websites seeking an alternative to hanging himself w...
Read full storyCondoleeza Rice Plays Wild Boogie-Woogie For The Queen
US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today showed her black musical roots, as she played wild rock'n'roll music on the piano at Buckingham Palace. She met the Queen in the early afternoon, and was being shown round the Palace when she suddenly ca...
Read full storyTeens Hot To Trot For Xmas Bonking Bonanza
Research by some researchers today concluded that teens were planning a veritable bonkfest over the Xmas holiday period. It seems that most teens these days arrange their sexual exploits around significant dates, such as Xmas, Easter, Halloween, t...
Read full storyEerie Silence at Zimbabwe Diamond Mine
An eerie yet pregnant silence permeates the scrub region locating the remote Chiadzwa diamond fields, apart from occasional bouts of gunfire, an odd anti-personnel mine explosion and the ensuing screams. Mr. Muti Fruiti was one of the first 'get r...
Read full storyIBM Announces New Text and Image Processing Technology
Developed after months of customer design workshops, internal engineering and laboratory testing, IBM will be releasing the next generation of technology for word processing, graphics development, and text transmission. Based on the combination...
Read full storyBarry Manilow meltdown means O2 arena concerts cancelled after first night
Borey Manilow's series of concerts at London's White Elephant Arena have been cancelled after only one night, because on his opening night, the star started to melt under the lights. The promoter of the show, Con Bookingfee, explained that as Barr...
Read full storyDarth Vader blamed for fall of Woolworth's
It is understood that workers in Woolworths hold Sith Over-lord Darth Vader responsible for the current parlous state of the chain's finances. Vader, who starred in an advert with the shop's mascots Woolie the Sheep and Worth the Dog selling a che...
Read full storyNew wave of 'Je-hobo' witnesses terrorise Port Flangey
With the continuing decline of religous interest and the increasing hostility towards 'Our friends of the Lord' in Britain, a new wave of radical Jehovah witnesses are getting their own back on the small town of Port Flangey, South Wales. Reports...
Read full storyFreddie Starr Ate My Ham Sandwich
Police were called to the home of former 'comedian' Freddie Starr last night, after a diner at a Manchester delicatessen alleged that Mr Starr sat down uninvited at his table and stole his meal. Reg Bogg, 38, had gone to The Grease Ball Cafe in Le...
Read full storyWorld Record Peeing Record Broken
Uri Nator of the Gambia has just broken the world record for peeing, slashing the previous record held by Jimmy Riddle of Wolverhampton. Riddle's record was an astounding one minute seventeen seconds, but Nator waded in with five minutes twelve se...
Read full storyThe £100,000 jigsaw
Reeky O'Dour, a binman in Bolton, near Manchester, has scooped the jackpot as he found £100,000 in bin bags. After a six month investigation, in which the police asked several individuals in Aberdeen if they knew anything about it, no owner of the mo...
Read full storyObama suggests a whip round to rescue economy
President-elect Barack Obama has announced a new economic policy designed to alleviate the effects of recessionary forces in the American economy. In a 50 worded press release, the incoming President has suggested that Americans donate 60cents an...
Read full storyMinnesota Senate Tie Vote With Al Franken Actually Big Saturday Night Live Skit
Everyone had a big laugh in Minnesota, USA this week as it turned out that their month-long Senate standoff vote between famed comedian Al Franken and Senator Norm Coleman is actually a big Saturday Night Live television skit. SNL chief Lorne Mic...
Read full storyUS Postal Service Has Novel Way To Save Workers From Layoffs
The US Post Office, in a novel move to prevent the layoff of 40,000 employees from across the country, has come up with a plan to only pretend to pay their employees who only pretend to work. This move could save a lot of fat butts from having to go...
Read full storyMido Pelted with Midol Pill Bottles While FA Officials Look on
Middlesborough's Mido is sick and tired of the taunts and humiliations visited upon him by the rude footballers of Newcastle: "This time they went too far. They know about Muslim discretion about feminine hygiene practices and to have menstrual...
Read full storyTwilight Author is Abstinence Only Mormon Conservative Vamp
Twilight series author and budding billionairess, Stephanie Meyers said that she was proud of her sexsual morality tale in which no one gets to get it on whether its sex or blood that turns them on: " My religion has always taught me that the b...
Read full storyNew Secret Nixon Tapes Reveal that Dick Cheney Was Dick Nixon and Vice-Versa
The two biggest Dicks in US modern history always seemed to have alot in common : Paranoia, potty mouth, vindictive and immoral have been words chosen often to described both. A new set of Nixon White House tapes and revolutionary voice identific...
Read full storyQueen and Prince Adopt Condoleezza Rice
US Secretary of State for only days now had always dreamt of playing the Palace. A brilliant pianist Secretary Rice got her wish when she played for the Prince and the Queen in Buckingham Palace. The aging Royal couple were exceedingly charmed by Ms...
Read full storyPolitical Wedding Bells are Ringing
Washington DC: Rumors are swirling in this city about an upcoming politically correct wedding. Confidential sources are indicating that two prominent liberal Congressional leaders from California and Nevada respectively, plan to marry. Prior to t...
Read full storyDole or No Dole
The U.S. auto makers return to Congress with a plan. Senate Interrogator: Hey guys, welcome back to the Senate's version of Gitmo. So how were your flights, wink, wink? GM Honcho: Thank you senator. This time I figured it might be better to show some humility so I borrowed my son's Harley and drive down. Ford Honcho: I hitchhiked and got a ride most of the way in a pickup truck with...
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