Written by Mahavishnu BBZ

Thursday, 4 December 2008

image for (h)Arming The Planet
Flagging Pride

Though the television news programmes may feed us daily lies of poverty, violence, unemployment and social unrest, the truth is that our government still makes vast amounts of profits due to the unsettled state of the uneducated world outside these fabulous Isles!

Colman's Mustard Gas

Since an accidental spill at the mustard bottling factory in 1927, which killed 87 local yokel Fens employees but was hushed up and reported as a mass case of 'crazed flatlander suicides', the tangy table condiment has been used to obliterate small towns and villages throughout the Middle East and Asia, the beauty of this All-English weapon is that it leaves the structures intact for immediate occupation, and usually a small enough number of captives survive to command to move the stinking bodies of their friends and families from the streets of the newly occupied areas.

Double Your Money

Britain is the only nation in Britain to actually arm both sides in a war taking place thousands of miles away! Feel pride as you gorge on these statistics! Tutsi deaths 397,000 - Hutu casualties 796,000, British profits £3.9 billion. The fact that Rwanda actually borrowed the money from Russia to buy these arms only made that big cheque taste sweeter!

Of course, in collusion with our fat loud friends from across the pond, 'The Yanks', we have made even more money in years past from the Iran - Iraq conflicts, and arming the Afghans to keep the Russians at bay for so many years in the 70s. (This has become an even bigger financial windfall in recent years, thats the beauty of arming the planet!). Libya, Pakistan, Yemen, Bosnia and many more too numerous to name have been eagerly lining our pockets to buy our guns and ammo, but we'll leave with you with our favourite.

After the 1948 British mandate of Palestine, it was secretly agreed that the Americans would arm the fresh new Jewish nation of independent Israel, and we would be the suppliers to the surrounding lands of Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, Syria and of course the displaced Palestinians. For 60 years we have had a constant influx of funds so gargantuan it would make a Cola corporation blush.

So next time you see the aftermath of a civil war, violent uprising, the murder of foreign (usually dark-skinned) women and children, proudly put your hand to your heart and remind yourself, My Country Did That!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more