Royal Hospital Ground, Chelsea - (Ass Mess): Up to 300,000 suspected members of the Corrupt Bastards Club have been banned from this year's Chelsea Flower Show which traditionally marks the start of the London season when international CBC members flock to mingle incognito among the petunias, wisteria and rhododendrons.
The Royal Horticultural Society which stages the Show has installed electronic scanners and upgraded magnetic resonance imaging screens to weed out any Bastards who attempt to creep their way in as bona fide gardening enthusiasts.
"They're nothing but trouble," said Lady Pansy Dogwwood, the show's PR.
"Always trying to bribe the judges, steal the exhibits, tamper with the watering system and give entirely spurious horticultural advice to members of the public too stupid to know the difference between a career Bastard and a slurry pit.
"So this year we're cracking down on them, hard!"
Two thousand extra police officers will guard the five day event and an organic pigsty borrowed from the Royal Perks Agency for the week has been adapted to act as a holding facility in case police cells become overcrowded with the anticipated numbers.
The only remaining dilemma is whether the CBC top London man, US Ambassador Robert 'Katie' Holmes Tuttle, will once again slime his way in through the back gate reserved for old age pensioners, incontinent minor royals and patients from the Royal Hospital itself.
"Last year we caught him allright. Knew he was banned but turned up anyway. Dressed himself up to look like Camilla. Big hat, yellow teeth and a padded brassiere full of fluff.
"When threatened with a strip search him he went red as a beetroot and flounced out dragging the Mexican cultural attache with him.
"We might post the photos if he tries it again."