Von Assfelt sues Faux over Anna Nicole fraud slur
Florida - (Ass Press): Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederick Von Assfelt is suing Faux News and talk show host Bill O'Reilly after being deserted by his hate mail regulars and getting besiedge at the local grocery store by 'people givi...
Read full storyKhalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses - A Great Day For Torture
In what has been hailed as 'a great day for torture' Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to... well... pretty much everything.
Read full storyOral Roberts University to Be Renamed After Tournament Loss
After an embarrassing NCAA Tournament loss Oral Robert's University President, Oral Roberts III announced an university wide name change:...
Read full storyPapa Zinger To Follow Prez Ringer To Complete Latin Dinger!
The Neo-Con's that run the world sent W, now being called Prez Ringer because of 2 stolen elections, to study abroad. Bush, in total shock that people actually live south of Texas, found that unlike in his own country, the Latinos tolerated him.
Read full storyCruise and Holmes asked: Is Your Baby Gay?
Hollywood - (Ass Press): A California Southern Baptist pastor has caused a furore by suggesting that not only is poor sperm quality the root of homosexuality but that Suri, the infant daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, may be gay herself.
Read full storyCasper Claiming Discrimination for being Labeled "Ghost" by Hollywood
Hollywood, CA- In a move that could have rippling effects in the entertainment world, Casper, previously referred to as the "Friendly Ghost," has teamed up with the advocacy group Semantics Matters to help clean up his image. Casper is cla...
Read full storyJacko Still fuming about not getting role in Little Children
Michael Jackson, speaking to reporters at a carnival in Paris, is still upset about being passed over for the role of Ronald James McGorvey in the 2006 film adaptation of the book Little Children.
Read full storyHeather Mills McCartney Says They're All Out To Get Her
Geordie strumpet and porno star, Heather Mills McCartney, has said in a BBC interview that there are mighty forces ranged against her and that everybody's out to get her.
Read full storyFamily: Delp's Death Was Appropriate
ISTANBUL -- The slight mourning family of Brad Delp, the lead singer for famed American rock band Boston, said 'his death was amazing, a testament to honest enterprise and so much more than a feeling can express on it's own,' and...
Read full storyFree Coffee At Starbucks Today - Do You Know Why?
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON-(COUGHFEENOOZ) Today Starbucks Coffee Company is giving away at no cost to you a FREE tall cup of coffee. This offer is being given by franchises across the U.S. and Canada. That's right FREE. You pay nothing, zip, nada, zero, are you getting the picture. It's like stealing. You walk into a Starbucks tomorrow be...
Read full storyNaked Heather Wants A Quiet Life
Misshapen model Heather Mills McCartney has tried to appear naked on British television to announce to the world that she is not a publicity seeker.
Read full story22 year old sues mother for abuse
Woodstock NY - In the courts last week we saw a twenty-two year old woman suing her mother for home schooling of her daughters. Lucy Palmms claims that her mother's refusal to allow her and her two sisters to attend public school, insisting that they be home schooled, has resulted in great detriment to their intellectual development, hence it was tantamount to child abuse.
Read full story"And a One" Found Alive and
MARCEL ANDAONE inventor of the drum machine was found alive and well today on an Atoll near Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific...
Read full storyKhalid Sheikh Mohammed names Heather Mills accomplice
Guantanamo Bay - (Ass Press): Pakistani terror mercenary Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has named Heather Mills as his accomplice in the planning of strategic terror hits on the UK.
Read full storyBush Announces Medal of Freedom Recipients
WASHINGTON D.C. - Today the White House released President Bush's selections for the 2007 Medal of Freedom. The Medal of Freedom is one of the two highest honors the government can bestow on a civilian. The other is the Congressional Gold Medal,...
Read full storyHouse Of Windsor Mix-Up On New £20 Note
PM Fony Blair has called an emergency meeting of the Cabinet for later today to discuss what to do about the disastrous launch of the new £20 note.
Read full storyHurricane Prediction Center forecasts the Second Coming
The increasing frequency and violence of tropical storms has nothing to do with global warming according to Warren Chisum, the Republican chairman of the Texas state legislature's House Appropriations Committee. He believes it's a sign from G...
Read full storyNewton Theory of Gravity Actually Conceived in Brothel
The recent unearthing of Sir Isaac Newton's private journal has cast doubt on the origins of his ground-breaking laws of universal gravitation. While popular myth describes the great innovator and father of modern science coming up with the theor...
Read full storyKylie Minogue reveals why sordid time with Donovan will remain between the sheets.
Jason Donovan, of Kylie and Jason fame, has denied rumours that he is being paid millions to write about his relationship with Kylie Minogue.
Read full storyHitler More Concerned About Global Warming than Allies, says Gore in a Speech at Harvard
Cambridge, Massachusetts - In a speech before the staff of the Harvard Lampoon, Mr. Al Gore claimed that Mr. Hitler was more concerned about global warming than Mr. Roosevelt, Mr. Churchill, or Mr. Stalin.
Read full storyPete Rose Admits to Betting on his Team
BRISTOL, CONN. -- On ESPN's Dan Patrick Show, Pete Rose finally admitted that not only did he bet on baseball, he bet on games involving his team, a claim which he had adamantly denied ever since the charge was first made. Rose, 66, is baseball...
Read full storyHard core porn show viewers shocked by Tom Brokaw interruption
Mesa, Arizona - (Ass Press): Phoenix area viewers of a typical Monday night hard core porn show were said to be shocked, dazed and disgusted when transmission of their featured TV program was suddenly rudely interrupted by former NBC News anchor Tom...
Read full storyKey 911 Suspect Admits Being a Patsy Before Slipping on a Banana Skin And Dying
The alleged mastermind of 911, Lee Harvey Oswald, has admitted his role in it, and 30 other plots including the assassination of President Kennedy in a hearing at Guantanamo Bay, the Pentagon says. Mr. Oswald told the hearing which n...
Read full storyAl-Qaida No.3 admits 'I killed Kennedy.......and Bambi....and Jimmy Hoffa'
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed cemented his position as Al-Qaida's most ambitious operational planner after confessing to a litany of unsolved crimes and admitting to planning and supporting thousands more.
Read full storyThis Man is Responsible For Global Warming
The Spoof has spent two whole years tracking down the commission-only salesman who worked tirelessly during the summer of 2003 to put wasteful patio heaters into the gardens of Britain's pubs, bars and restaurant...
Read full storyAngelina Jole adopts son without Brad
Angelina has picked up her Vietnamese son, who is still very shy, and is said to be on her way to the finalise the paperwork to bring him home.
Read full storyThey serve at the pleasure of this president.
Washington DC - US Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales was questioned by the US Senate for violating US Law. Gonzales told the Senators that mistakes were made and he takes full responsibility and that he would investigate himself and get back to t...
Read full storySuch a thorough confession
Guantánamo Bay, Cuba - Today Khalid Sheikh Mohammed finally gave in, after months of mind-wrenching torture, he signed the blank confession that American forces filled out later. It was a difficult thing to do especially being his captures broke bot...
Read full storyPoll of UK Men Finds Protruding Collarbone to Be The Sexiest of Naughty Bits!
The Guardian Angel News Service and Surveyors Esq have released a poll of 10,000 British men (some say that is the total true male population) concerning the female body parts that get their willie wonking.
Read full storyKarl Rove Cast Down upon the Lake Of Fire!
Karl Rove, "Bush's brain" and "America's Asshole", has finally met the consequences of his innumerable mean deeds that have contributed to the destruction of the United States. Rove has been cast out of his oval office he...
Read full storyHillary Confesses:"I did Exhale"
Democratic Candidate for the Presidential nomination has taken a new tack on her husband's marijuana alibi.
Read full storyViacom Sues Red Hot Chili Peppers
Los Angeles CA. Viacom filed suit against WEA and the Chili Peppers today in a Hollywood Superior Court, The suit alleges WEA and The Chili Peppers are in direct violation of certain, "copyrighted," materials.
Read full storyKhalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses to Sinking The Maine!
After years of imprisonment and torture at the hands of the CIA Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to an incredible list of crimes, least of which is the sinking of the Maine in Havana harbor in 1898.
Read full storyBush Finally Admits Iraq In Civil War
In a news conference in Guatemala, President George W. Bush finally admitted that Iraq is in a state of civil war. "See," he said, "a civil war is when one part of a country is fighting against another part of the country and some of...
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