Newton Theory of Gravity Actually Conceived in Brothel

Funny story written by Amateur Scribe

Thursday, 15 March 2007

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"For Every Action there is an Equal and Opposite Reaction. Now, how much do I owe you?"

The recent unearthing of Sir Isaac Newton's private journal has cast doubt on the origins of his ground-breaking laws of universal gravitation. While popular myth describes the great innovator and father of modern science coming up with the theory whilst sitting under an apple tree in Cambridge - the reality may well be slightly seedier.

It now seems almost certain that this most important scientific discovery was born, not in the idyllic setting of an English orchard at sunset, but in the seamy squalor of a 17th Century knocking shop.

Boffins today published a key entry from the diary entitled "I Newton Esq. - The Playboy Mathematician":

17th May 1686

Gadzooks, young Annie Flanagan doth have a voracious appetite for the unmentionable. Thrice did I have to call out for mercy as she set about my most intimate person with a gusto no doubt usually reserved for sailors and the more sadistic members of the royal family.

Not an afternoon wholly rooted in folly and abandon, however. As I lay back, thoroughly slaked and dripping with perspiration, I noted a lantern wobbling precariously on the mantle, no doubt loosened from its berth by our tawdry endeavours. Moments later, it crashed to the ground causing an almighty kerfuffle during which I was forcibly ejected by Madam Bottyspank and threatened with a charge of criminal damage.

As I swiftly departed, I could not dispel the image of that lantern plunging earthward as if propelled by a mystical force. That's when it hit me:

Every single point mass attracts every other point mass by a force heading along the line combining the two. The force is proportional to the product of the two masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the point masses.

I think I'll call it "Gravity". Might have to come up with a better cover story as to how this great revelation manifested itself to me though...

Excited by this discovery, historians have delved a little deeper into the backstories of a few other scientific landmarks to see if any had suffered similar sanitisation down the years.

Most interestingly, they noted that Archimedes was not actually in the bath when he had his water-displacement "Eureka!" moment. Instead, he was probably fighting a particularly aggressive turd after a spicy curry the previous night when he experienced one of the first recorded instances of "splashback".

However, suggestions that Charles Darwin came up with his "Evolution of Species" theory while pursuing an amorous relationship with a cute little chimp called Sandra have been dismissed as "unlikely".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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