In a news conference in Guatemala, President George W. Bush finally admitted that Iraq is in a state of civil war. "See," he said, "a civil war is when one part of a country is fighting against another part of the country and some of the people die. We had one of those in the United States back when Abraham Lincoln was President, but he got shot in the head so no sitting president should go into that kind of a war zone, especially if he wants to go to a theatre."
"Now, we got us a civil war going on here and we are the good guys, even though the bad guys this time don't take slaves or grow cotton. They do wear gray clothes, but that's just because they're kind of old and they can't go to Sears and get Kenmore washing machines like everybody else."
"They've also got a few horses, like General Lee (the old guy, not the orange car in that really funny show) used the have Trigger, or whatever his name was. They mostly got horses because they are rebels and can't afford to buy tanks or half-tracks or hummers."
"The other side is also the rebels here, but they don't really have the rebel yell cuz they're shouting about Allah Baba, or whatever they call their God."
"I'm gonna make a fancy speech like that Emancipation Concentration and free all of the women, since they're the closest things to slaves since they can't vote or drive cars and have to wear those togas and cheeseclothe on their faces. The first time I saw them, I kept waiting for John Belushi to jump out with a beer and them to do that "Shout a little bit louder" dancing, but that was a movie."
"I may also have to travel somewhere to a battle field and make me a Gettysburg address or something, but it's gonna have to be really catchy cuz everyone remembers those lines about "four score" and "all men are created equal" and "the mudville nine" It'll make me even more famous."
"Anyway, they've got a civil war going and we're the good guys, even if our generals don't have funny nicknames anymore."
"Their civil war isn't as good as ours because we had nice rules and stuff and they use suicide bombers and kids and other cowardly stuff. They also don't have any cool songs like Dixie or Battle Hymn of the Republicans."
