Bush Restarts Cold War With European Missile Shield
PRAGUE (FMLiveWire) -- President Bush told Russian President Vladmir Putin on Tuesday that Russia "has everything to fear" from a US missile defense system in Europe since, "I am restarting the Cold War to save the dying US economy.&qu...
Read full storyCash-for-honors: cops to arrest ex-BP's Lord Browne
London - (Ass Mess): Disgraced former CEO of BP Lord Browne is to be questioned by the cash-for-honors police according to reports which state that the Crown Prosecution Service wants him 'nailed as soon as possible'.
Read full storyThe End of Minimum Wage
Monday was a day of mass chaos throughout the US amidst a massive fast-food worker walk-out organized by a YouTube contributor.
Read full storyLandslide destroys Russian geezer's valet
Kamchatka Peninsula, Russian Federation - (Ass Mess): A huge landslide has been reported as having destroyed a top-notch Russian geezer's valet.
Read full storyPrescott suffering from paranoia
Whitehall - (Ass Mess): UK Deputy Prime Monster John Prescott is suffering from paranoia and will remain hospitalised for the forseeable future according to a statement from his orifice. The 69-year-old has been moved to a high-dependency delusi...
Read full storyLondon 2012 Oylmpic swastika 'responsible for seizures'
London - (Ass Mess): Hundreds of people have telephoned NHS Direct saying they had fits and seizures after seeing the new-style Olympic swastika for the London 2012 Games.
Read full storyWilliam and Harry deeply distressed over photos
Channel 4 have confirmed that they will be showing photographs of Princess Diana's death, but that is of little interest to her sons, Their Royal Highnesses William and Harry.
Read full storyThe changing face of snooker
Many comments were made this year and in recent years about the World Snooker Championship being dull. We've had some great games, but still the punters complain.
Read full storyBookface man sues Facebook for copyright infringement
A man from East Sussex, UK, is suing social networking internet giant Facebook for copyright infringement after claiming that the company had stolen the web-based 'social unity' concept from his own life. Tim Weiny, 62, has been wearing a bo...
Read full storyEcstasy, Hugs and the War on Drugs
The US Supreme Court surprised the Bush Administration by declaring every day National Free Hug Day. The long awaited decision comes in the heels a controversial joint study by the CDC and
Read full storyScooter Libby pleads to join Paris in Lynwood
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Perjuring, lying Bush Administration toerag Scooter Libby has asked US District Judge Reggie B Walton if he can serve his 30 months jail sentence 'in the same cell as Paris Hilton'.
Read full storyQueen of Farts
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's entourage has some people with very unusual jobs. None more so that the Queen's official pardoner. His (or her) role on formal state occasions is to stand up and admit blame for any audible flatu...
Read full storySen Clinton: God knows how I got through marital strife
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): In a rare public debate abput her husband Bill's fidelity Hillary Clinton has said Monday that she "probably would have got through her marital troubles without bringing God into it."...
Read full storyTinned fish giants produces Tuna-friendly dolphin
Tinned fish giants have today announced their intention to start producing a range of tinned dolphin products which will all carry the label 'tuna friendly'.
Read full storyTennis: Henin sails past Serena
BBC Sport, France, Tuesday 6th June - In a repeat of the classic of 2003, Justine Henin was due to meet Serena Williams on the clay at Roland Garros, in a highly anticipated Ladies Quarter Final.
Read full storyParis Hilton's Jail Survival Guide or The Celbutantes Guide To Having A Good Time While Doing Time
(New York-NY) I'm not going to fabricate a phony news story about Linwood Prisoner 9818783, Paris Hilton, or as I'd like to call her…mine, at least for an internet sex-capade. Trust me, at my age it would be a very short sex-capade, followed by a funereal, which I'd like Paris to attend, dressed of course as Jackie Kennedy at JFK's funereal. Hey, a guy can dream can't he?...
Read full storyDiana to be exhumed in Kate Middleton ££££s compensation lawsuit
London - (Ass mess): The late Diana, Princess of Wales is to be exhumed and her DNA tested against the Pretender to the Throne's two alleged sons William and Harry.
Read full storyAmerica Facing Shortage of Drunken Ho Starlets
America's Minister for Debauchery and Lewdness, Ronald P. Wilcox, announced today that the country is facing a shortage of drunken ho starlets.
Read full storyBrown Pledges Millions for Muslim Clown School
BRADFORD, UK - 05/06/07. In another gesture of celebrating diversity, Prime Minister in Waiting, Gordon Brown today pledged £5 million to create the UK's first Muslim Clown School.
Read full story1000 Year Old Monk Found Alive and Well
A family holiday in the west of Ireland turned into a story of amazement as two children found a 1000 year old Benedictine monk alive and well and pottering around a ruined abbey.
Read full story"Britain Day & More Bank Holidays Needed" Says Ruth Kelly
Useless government minister Ruth Kelly has called for some more Bank Holidays to be added to the list of other public holidays already washed out by Britain's inclement weather. She has proposed that one of them...
Read full storyWoman Thrown Out of Jail Trying to Sneak Paris Hilton Pictures
Lynwood Calif. A female paparazzi was thrown out of the, Century Regional Detention Facility, now known as, "THE PARIS HILTON", today when it was discovered she was an imposter posing as a prisoner that was suppose to serve 30 days.
Read full storyBlair joins old pals Bush and Putin for G8 Booze up.
LONDON (AssPressed) - Tony Blair heads to Germany this week for his last G8 summit as prime minister, hoping to secure greater commitment from big bad Vlad, the Russian Premier.
Read full story$500,000.00 Bounty for First Paris Hilton Jail Pictures
The National Enquirer, Globe and various other tabloid newspapers have put out a bounty for the first Paris Hilton jail pictures. The paparazzi are drooling all over themselves trying to figure out a way to dig their claws into the "money shot&q...
Read full storyEuro raw toast mountain, following raw toast recall.
Europe AssPress -: Calls for something to be done about the increasing amounts of raw toast have reached the highest levels of the European Parliament following revelations that many of the major chain store supermarkets have...
Read full storyCubans complain of noise from Guantanamo Bay
Residents at a Cuban housing estate near the U.S. Guantanamo Bay have signed a petition complaining of noise from the US detention centre.
Read full storyWolfowitz proclaims Deathstar will go operational in one week
World Bank Headquarters (Washington Post) - In a surprise move timed to coincide with a rare overseas trip by President Bush, outgoing World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz announced that his Deathstar will be fully functional in exactly one week. Wol...
Read full storyPronger beheads Duck and Senator; suspended additional game-and-a-half for misconduct
OTTAWA (Citizen Staff Writer) - In a scene straight out of an Al-Qaeda recruiting video, previously suspended Chris Pronger came off the bench to separate two players' heads from their bodies in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals.
Read full storyGOP Recruits 123 New Actor-Politicians
Hollywood, California - Responding to lucrative recruitment offers by Republican operatives, recent graduates of America's top acting schools, as well as veteran celebrity actors and actresses, have been signing up, in droves, as...
Read full storyRon Paul Wins Democratic Debate
Ron Paul pulled off a surprise victory in the debate between Democratic presidential candidates on June 3rd in New Hampshire.
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